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I am not okay.

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  • #386883
    Elizabeth
    Participant

    I do not wish to be your friend

    I used to be once upon a time and you broke me for it

    I do not want pieces of you

    I want all of you, but since I know you don’t love me I want you no more

     

    I have seen what you do to people you like,

    I have seen what you do to people you do not love

    I do not want to be either

     

    I longed for your affection once upon a time

    In my misguided way I imagined if I couldn’t have your whole

    I could settle for being a friend

     

    I was wrong because for you I wasn’t even a friend

    I was someone that you could find relief and comfort

    Always taking but never giving

     

    For almost two years I made myself available to you

    Because having bits of you was better than nothing at all

    Looking back, I realize how sad and pathetic I look

     

    I regret meeting you that day on my way home

    I regret opening up to you even more

    At the time I was dying to be heard and you happened to show up

     

    For a short time, it felt like I was finally getting the relief that my soul craved

    You talked and spent time with me

    But I was so naïve too

     

    I was so taken by you I completely forgot to guard my heart

    I truly never planned to give you my heart

    While I was busy being excited by you, you stole my heart

     

    By the time I realized it was all gone

    And you now had the strings to pull at as you willed

    At that moment I realized I was in big trouble

     

    I agonized on what to do next

    I was in love with you but had not planned on it

    My heart ached so much that night I lost my sleep

     

    The days that followed were miserable

    The pain I felt constantly was excruciating

    It seemed like it only got better when I saw you

     

    Deep inside I knew that what we had could not last

    I knew at some point it had to end

    But I tried not to focus so much on that fact

     

    So I kept on drifting without restraint aimlessly

    I fell deeper and deeper

    Until I was completely immersed in you

     

    I made excuses for my lack of caution

    I would tell myself that I was happy that I can still love

    I honestly thought I would be able to walk off when time came

     

    And so I carried on having bits and pieces of you

    While hoping that you would at least give me the affection I craved so much

    I thought a bit is better than none right?

     

    I was wrong, terribly wrong

    Because what I did with that rationalization was set myself up for failure

    And fail I did

     

    Now that I am all broken and sore

    I can see clearly what I did wrong

    I see that the first time I walked off I should have never turned back

     

    And so two years down the line I am writing this

    It’s been eight months since we broke up

    And I have experienced immense agony for a long time

     

    I have gone through all the stages of heart break

    I cried a lot mostly

    I blamed myself

     

    Other days I felt lifeless

    While other days I was super angry

    But mostly I hated you so much for being selfish

     

    I kept asking questions

    And in my mind I thought I needed answers from you to get closure

    I was wrong

     

    The one time I tried to get closure

    It unearthed all the negativity I tried so hard to bury

    I was in trouble and I realized I didn’t know how to get myself out of it

     

    I found myself spiraling out of control

    I thought if I got answers for the questions that weighed me down

    I would feel better

     

    But after talking to you and getting the answers I thought I deserved

    I realized that you were a loathsome person

    And I hated you so much in that moment

     

    I walked off feeling so hateful towards you

    I didn’t walk off with the closure and peace that I hoped for

    Gosh I hated you so much

     

    The next few days I felt so lifeless and angry

    I was angry that seeing you made me sick

    I always felt like I would throw up

     

    It’s been a rollercoaster

    I have been sad, angry, numb, desperate, insecure

    Basically experienced all the emotions on the pain spectrum

     

    I am still trying to recover from it all

    I am taking it one day at a time

    And I am hopeful that I will be fine one day

    #386884
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elizabeth:

    I know from our short communication previously that you are a very private person and that sharing your burdens is not easy for you because you “sort of learnt early in  life that people tend to use your weakness and especially your pain against you” (Sept 15, 2021). And therefore, I appreciate that you felt safe enough here to post a new thread and share your burdens some more. In my response to you, I need to be careful to not do what was done to you: to not use what you share against you in any way, shape or form.

    I have seen what you do to people you like- I have seen what you do to people you do not love- I do not want to be either“-

    -this is quite profound, to me: when a person mistreats the people he likes and the people he does not like.. this means that he mistreats or will mistreat everyone that he interacts with long-enough, that it’s just a matter of time (?)

    for you I wasn’t even a friend- I was someone that you could find relief and comfort“- reads like he used you as some thing rather than someone, not treating you like a human who deserves genuine respect and appreciation.

    At the time I was dying to be heard and you happened to show up- For a short time, it felt like I was finally getting the relief that my soul craved.. the affection I craved so much“- the cravings of the soul are very powerful, including the craving to be heard, and the craving to be liked and considered special to someone.

    I fell deeper and deeper- Until I was completely immersed in you“- fell deeper and deeper into long ago hopes and dreams, reads like, to me, hopes and dreams of being heard and liked and attended to and loved.

    It’s been eight months since we broke up.. Gosh I hated you so much- The next few days I felt so lifeless and angry.. It’s been a rollercoaster.. I am taking it one day at a time- And I am hopeful that I will be fine one day“- I am hopeful too that you will be fine one day, sooner than later. Maybe today.. for a short while, if not for the whole day.

    anita

    #386885
    Elizabeth
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I have been feeling better lately.  There are few days that i have cried. but they have been fewer than before. This week i have though about Christopher a lot, but i have not been as sad a before. I feel like i am being tested too as i keep bumping into him almost everyday. I prayed that i don’t meet or see him, but its like the reverse of what i prayed for.  Also this week i have missed him a lot.  And have toyed with the idea of reaching out.  But i know for a fact i have nothing to gain from him.  its sad that this person didn’t even realize how genuinely i felt about him. he has no idea that i was one of those people in his life that will always want the best for him. I am beginning o get my old self back slowly. i will need to do more introspecting and sincere self talk to iron out my confusion.

    I am definitely ok. but its ok. I am beginning to accept that pain is a journey i have to go through and am genuinely looking for the lesson in all this.

     

    Regards,

    Elizabeth

     

    #386887
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elizabeth:

    It’s good to read that you are feeling better and beginning to get your old self back!

    I am..  genuinely looking for the lesson in all this“-

    – maybe, just maybe there is something to learn from this sentence: “its sad that this person didn’t even realize how genuinely i felt about him. he has no idea that i was one of those people in his life that will always want the best for him“: it reads like a big part of your pain has been that he failed to recognize and value your love for him.. that your love for him was lost on him.

    Am I understanding correctly?

    I am asking because a big part of my pain in another relationship context, the one with my mother, was that she treated my pure, intense and unconditional love for her as if it was nothing, or something disposable, of no value. It used to be impossible for me to understand how something that felt so big and strong and full of life (my love for her).. could go unnoticed or unappreciated by her.

    anita

     

    #386971
    darkmatter_
    Participant

    I hope you are doing better today.

    #387018
    Elizabeth
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    That’s exactly what i feel like. i feel like if there was a way i could swallow him whole so that he can see just how deeply i felt. But i am not trying to make him see anymore.  I am more disappointed in myself more than anything. I am disappointed that i showed affection to someone that doesn’t know how to receive love. I should have known better and walked off before it got to this.  It is his loss.

    I just want to be ok. I want to be indifferent. but i also want to remember this whole ordeal so that the next time i meet another person like him, i will be able to read them before i allow them into my life. I think this keeps happening because i have not been learning my lesson. this time around i am taking my time and making sure that i completely learn my lesson.  I feel like that’s the only time i will be able to move past this point.

    regards,

    Elizabeth

     

     

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by Elizabeth.
    #387019
    Elizabeth
    Participant

    meant to say Elizabeth. lol

    #387049
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elizabeth:

    I just want to be ok. I want to be indifferent. but i also want to remember this whole ordeal.. I think this keeps happening because I have not been learning my lesson. This time around i am taking my time and making sure that I completely learn my lesson.  I feel like that’s the only time I will be able to move past this point“-

    – I think that it will help you to produce an essay with the title “My Lesson” (or a different title chosen by you!). Like an academic essay, from a first draft to a final draft. If you think it’s a good idea and would like to post your essay here, please do. I will be glad to read it, and if you want my feedback, let me know.

    anita

    #387087
    Elizabeth
    Participant

    Hi,

    I am looking to write more and more.  I am hoping that my stories help more young women make better choices.

     

    Regards,

    Elizabeth

    #387125
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elizabeth:

    I hope that you will write more and more and by doing so, help yourself and other young women make better choices!

    anita

    #387325
    anita
    Participant

    * a double post, please ignore this post

     

    • This reply was modified 2 days, 4 hours ago by anita.
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