Home→Forums→Relationships→I Am So Emotional In One Area
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May 27, 2017 at 5:39 pm #150916
MalleyParticipantI can keep calm in most every circumstance except this one e: Whenever my boyfriend says he is coming to town and is bringing his daughter I get emotional and cry because she doesn’t know about me yet and I cannot see him as much.
This sounds like I am a teenager… so juvenile… I know. ButBut we are not. We are both in our late 50s.
I am embarrassed that I am not getting a handle on this but here is what is going on.
He lives in another state and we only see one another every few months. He has been separated from his wife for about 1 year and he is from my city and we went to school together. He comes to see his mom but of course we see each other when he comes to town.
I see his mom but he hasn’t told his daughter yet about me since he is still married. He has no intention of going back, he just hasn’t filed. He says mostly because he knows it is going to be a very toxic experience and the other reason, the time involved. He is a very busy business owner and has very little free time.
When he told me is might bring his daughter when he come next month, I started crying. It just happens. I don’t see it coming. I think it is because when she comes I can’t even go to his moms with him and he has to be with his daughter some which cuts down on our time.
Please don’t just say I am being selfish. It’s not that I resent time with his daughter, it is just that I haven’t met her and I feel left out.
Also, I know he really cares for me. There is no doubt about that. So he is not stringing me along.
I just want to know how to handle my emotions and some way to see this in a different light.
If anyone has any ideas on how to replace bad thoughts with good ones, please share!
I don’t want to cause trouble and hurt him by getting upset about his daughter. I want them to have a good relationship. I just want to be a part of the package.
Thanks!
May 27, 2017 at 9:30 pm #150928
AnonymousGuestDear Malley:
You wrote: “If anyone has any ideas on how to replace bad thoughts with good ones, please share!”-
well, I don’t think there is such a thing as bad thoughts or bad feelings. Whatever you think and whatever you feel it is okay to think and feel. Thoughts and feelings are automatic mental events, we don’t choose them, therefore they are neither good nor bad. It is our behavior that is subject to our choosing.
Replacing distressing thoughts with realistic thoughts, I am all for that. And so, can you state a few thoughts you had when you heard he is bringing his daughter, thoughts you had just before you cried?
Once you state those, let’s examine them for distortions vs. truth, if you’d like.
anita
May 28, 2017 at 2:08 am #150942MalleyParticipantHi, Anita and thanks so much for your kind words. Good thoughts about realistic and distorted. Here is how I felt when he told me she is coming: He is already distracted by trying to run his business remotely when he is here. When she comes, he is further distracted. So I immediately felt like I wouldn’t get as much time or connection with him. When he comes I usually pick him up from the airport which gives us extra time together but when his daughter comes we lost that too. So I felt like I am not going to have as much of his time and attention.
It is my birthday (and his mom’s… 3 days apart when he will be here and I felt like maybe we wouldn’t get to do anything for my birthday. I told him that and he said we definitely would. He even told me not to “project” and I told him that I wasn’t “projecting” but was basing my feelings on past experiences or “history”.
I think the bottom line is that he needs to get the divorce so he can bring me out in the open to his daughter. I just don’t like feeling left out.
Let’s start with this, Anita, if you would like.
Thank you.
May 28, 2017 at 8:52 am #150964AnonymousGuestDear Malley:
The thoughts you detailed in your last post are all realistic, so there is nothing to change about them. What I am understanding from your last post is the “one Area” (in the title of your thread) when you get so emotional, it is not strictly the daughter arriving with your boyfriend, it is also the fact that he just filed for divorce a whole year after his separation, that he is very busy with his business, that he lives so far away, that you see him rarely, and that you need much more than what you are experiencing with him.
The daughter arriving is taking away from the very little that you have with him.
Question is the divorce- if he keeps taking it very slowly, as I understand he is- how long will it last, what are his plans in this regard?
anita
May 28, 2017 at 2:14 pm #150980
maggie macParticipantAnita,
About the filing for divorce, he is going slowly. He says he needs to file or get it started quite a few times but he never does. You are correct about the statements about how I just don’t have enough time with him. He is coming back here more than he used to, but I need more continuity and for us to be more a daily part of one another’s life. I believe he wants that too.
He is very good to me and I can tell he cares deeply for me. I just don’t like the long distance relationship much longer. I know we wouldn’t break apart for anything, though. I think that is why I get so frustrated. I know I have to just try to be happy the way it is. Most of the time I am, but every now and then I get upset. I guess there aren’t any real answers but it has helped to talk about it.
May 28, 2017 at 8:08 pm #151002AnonymousGuestDear Malley:
You care for each other very much, and he is taking it slow, filing for divorce. It is not surprising to me when people postpone unpleasant tasks. Hopefully circumstances will change soon enough so that you can spend more time with him. If it helped you to “talk about it” here, please continue, and post anytime you need to express your thoughts and feelings.
anita
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