Home→Forums→Relationships→I am unsure how to respond
- This topic has 3 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 7 months ago by
Quinn Martin.
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April 27, 2017 at 10:56 am #146989
LivParticipantHi!
I am just needing some direction on how to handle the situation I am in. I feel like my brain is in overdrive and I cannot seem to stop and listen. I am hoping by some of the responses I receive, I can try to focus.
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So, first off I am a single mother to two little boys… My boyfriend (not my kids father) is an entrepreneur and owns a successful & locally owned small business. I am sure you can imagine how busy our lives are. This will play into the story as you read.
My boyfriend and I have been together (on and off) for almost 2 years. We did take a break this last November.. by break meaning, we broke up. He started seeing someone else and I just tried to focus on me. Well back in February 2017, he contacted me, wanting to reconsider things between us. I told him that I would be willing but we would need to take things slow and steady. For the last two months, things have been lovely between us. We have had some moments but gotten past them, until this past Monday. Mondays are his days off – but some Monday evenings, he will come over and have dinner with us. Well, this past Monday he made the comment to where he had to leave early due to getting work finished. I got frustrated because he had all day to complete his job.. but I felt selfish for thinking that way… Like I was being very unreasonable with my emotions. I took it out on him, saying maybe its best you don’t come over.. well, sure enough, he agreed and now I am in a more uneasy state of mind and feel even worse for opening that can of worms. I got frustrated for the fact he wants to be apart of my mine and my kids lives but work always seems to come first.. which I understand because his job is his life… This just led to unnecessary drama the rest of the evening between us. So the remainder of this week, it has been tense between us and both of us has anxiety.. I am considered an unreasonable, negative person and he is in a bad state to where he wants no contact from me. He is really upset so upset he keeps bringing up past things that make him mad and angry… I love this man very much. I see myself marrying him and raising the boys together.. but sometimes I feel like its impossible.. Its impossible because he can’t get past of the anger he holds against me. What do I do? Do I give him his space? I just feel stuck.
April 27, 2017 at 11:22 am #147001
AnonymousGuestDear Liv:
It was wrong of you to take your anger out on him (“I took it out on him, saying maybe its best you don’t come over..”)-
It was okay for you to feel angry. It is always okay for you to feel whatever it is that you feel because our feelings are automatic mental events that just happen; we don’t choose our feelings. On the other hand, behaviors “just happen” only when we don’t pay attention and do not practice reasonable self control and our option to choose.
When you felt angry, you could have taken a moment to calm yourself, to think what to say or do- if anything. Then you could have asked him gently (not in an accusatory way), why did he not do the work earlier in the day. Maybe his explanation would have satisfied you and would have calmed your anger.
Seems like you didn’t ask and reacted aggressively toward him.
You wrote: “He is really upset so upset he keeps bringing up past things that make him mad and angry”- no wonder he brings up past things, after all, the last thing happened only three days ago. Because such behavior on your part happened repeatedly in the past, happened three days ago, it is likely to happen again and again. He doesn’t want to live like this, is my understanding.
Let me know what you think before I proceed.
anita
April 27, 2017 at 11:26 am #147003AnonymousGuest* didn’t submit correctly…
April 27, 2017 at 4:10 pm #147051
Quinn MartinParticipantHuh, for once I don’t know what to tell you. Though I can tell you that on-and-off relationships in general, already have a bad ingredient >.>
It’s not wrong to take it out on him, but it is wrong that you didn’t look for an alternative of saying it. If you take it out on him all the time though that’s a big “NO” on your part however >.> losing your temper once is fine, but all the time nuh-uh. Though I also completely agree with Anita that taking your anger out on anyone at all in itself is already a wrong thing. Thing is, I’m a hothead irl so my opinion would differ slightly.
Seems Anita already deducted the on and off’s might be due to you scaring him away because of all the outbursts, following that train of thought if he saw someone else yet is still coming back to you it must mean he really sees a future in you two together too 🙂 and for that I’m happy for you <3
However..
You really got to work on keeping that anger down when you burst out with a comment that could hurt him, like Anita said .. well Anita said everything have to do then ;PIt would do you good to remember that anger ALWAYS has consequences, especially repeated anger.
And last but not least your daily rule of thumb: “A relationship is only as good as you make it.”
Hope this helps you
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