I (F20) broke up with my ex (M21) 4 months ago and I am only regretting it now. My ex and I dated for a year. I tried to break up with him multiple times during our relationship and I noticed reoccuring reasons during those breakup attempts – me not being attracted to him. You may ask, why even say yes to being his GF if you weren’t even attracted to him in the first place? My answer is, it was my first time being pursued by someone (thus him being my 1st BF) and I wanted to see where it would go. Sadly, I never felt butterflies with him and even at work he wasn’t the one I noticed or fancied (this was before he asked me out).

I have no complaints with my ex, he treated me like a princess, anything I wanted he gave it to me, he was patient, kind to his parents and sisters, and most of all respectful. I saw a future with him.

3 months into the relationship it was all hearts and rainbows, I was physically inclined bc everything was new to me (kissing, making out…). But as time went on physical intimacy with him became a chore to me. I even remember this one time (to celebrate our anniversary) we booked an airbnb and I dreaded the fact that we would be alone together in a room bc we may do nasty things. Don’t get me wrong, my ex was very respectful of my bounderies, whenever I said that I wasn’t in the mood for making out (which happened often after the 3 m.o. mark) he would b understanding ab it. We never had sex, I only gave him oral, but I never let him reciprocate it to me. I also never showed my private parts to him.

Excluding physical intimacy, I enjoyed my ex’s presence. I enjoyed playing video games, watching movies, and going on dates with him. I loved him as a person. But I also felt that I was very toxic to him like always giving him the silent treatment whenever I get mad at him for literally no reason (this was also one of the reasons I attempted to breakup with him before).

Whenever I get mad or attempted to leave him. My ex would try really hard to fix things and reassure me, I would then give him I lengthy apology (via text) right after. Apologising in person was really hard for me growing up, that’s why I could only apologise via text. I never instigated those breakup attempts to hurt him and it was never my intention to hurt him emotionally.

Now, the actual breakup. I broke up with him because on top of me not being sexually attracted to him I started longing to explore my bisexuality to see what I really like in a partner. My ex kept begging for me to stay. Even allowing me to date other girls while being with him. I felt so devastated hearing that from him bc that just showed how much he loved me. Ultimately, I told him I wouldn’t allow him to treat himself so low like that and he should know his worth. I didn’t want to settle with him because that would be unfair to him and selfish of me. I told him that I would be hindering his chance on finding the right person for him. I also was honest and told him I never felt attracted to him thus couldn’t love him as much as he loved me. My honesty probably just made it worse for him emotionally.. :(((

He was devastated after the breakup. The first few weeks, he kept texting me saying he couldn’t handle it. I tried to console him but its hard bc I was the root of his pain. To him, it seemed tht I was moving on too quickly but I just wasn’t able to process the breakup bc 1.) I was in the middle of nursing school 2.) I had a crush on a girl in class

A couple months after the breakup and its now summer. I am alone in my thoughts and able to process the breakup. At first, I felt strong guilt for the pain I caused him, and then I started remembering the good things he used to do for me thus regret started to engulf me. Seeing him at work also doesnt help. A week ago, acting on my emotions, I called him to ask if there is a chance to rekindle things with him. He said no chance. He told me I made him feel insecure throughout our relationship, and after the breakup he couldnt get out of bed for a month and couldnt focus in secondary school to the point of having to drop out. Hearing that broke my heart, I ruined a person’s life and I had the audacity to re-enter.

He said he is dating someone now and he seemed genuinely happy. I may regret my decision now bc I just lost a great guy, but I believe it happened for a reason: I wouldn’t be as self-aware of my red flags and my ex would’ve lived in mental turmoil and insecurity if I settled.

Writing this gave me a sense of clarity as to why the breakup had to happen, I saved my ex from myself. I have a lot of things to fix within myself before I can enter another relationship. I do not want to hurt a person who is willing to give me the world again…

p.s. I just quit the job we both work at, now there is absolutely zero contact b/w us. This is the start of a new me 🙂