Hi all,

I’m new to this but i’ll give it a crack explaining my situation.

My ex and I had dated for nearly two years and before that I was in and out of dating like there was no tomorrow. I don’t recall ever just ‘staying single’. I developed a lot of anxiety as my feelings for my ex increased and the potential to get hurt increased. Fast forward 6 months we moved in together, quite soon but given some circumstances that came up it was the logical thing to do and I have no regrets about it. My anxiety only got worse to the point where my heart rate would significantly increase as it got closer to him coming home from work. I got thrown if he didn’t say I love you back or he did something out of character and automatically assumed it was something I had done to bring about this change. My anxiety lead to some depression episodes and further complications with comfortability in the relationship and my living situation. We did so many things together and there were times where I was genuinely happy and loved him unconditionally. There were also times where I just wasn’t getting what I put in and I had strong suspicions that he was seeing someone else for a few months.

About 1.5 years in we booked tickets to travel europe. I began developing these doubts in my head and my feeling of love began to diminish. I became very negative and focussed on his flaws. I tried with all my might to counteract these thoughts and not let them get to me but they chipped away over about a period of 5 months. Europe was a train wreck, we just didn’t travel well together and there were lots of fights about communication. I didn’t feel like I was getting what I needed and he the same. We both compromised for each other but it didn’t seem to help. I began constantly feeling like this isn’t the relationship for me. There was an underlying fear of him leaving me or cheating on me due to my anxiety. I dreamt of being single and got panicky when he asked about my plans for the future. I decided to end it and as soon as I did, I felt this flood of relief. Coupled with that relief was doubt of my decision to break up. This lead to a downwards spiral and we ended up trying again. Same thing happened with our conflict and communication and 6 days ago I broke up with him once more. My gut has been telling me to do so for about 6 months before that point and the feeling was indescribable when I did it. I told him I wasn’t in love anymore and despite our best efforts we just weren’t working together. I told him I needed to work on myself and get to the root causes of these insecurities and relationship anxiety. I’m currently spiralling downwards into a similar depressive state and my questions are:

1. Did I do the right thing?

2. Is this fear of being too close to someone something I can tackle whilst in a relationship?

3. Is spending the next however long being single and trying to be more comfortable with my sense of self and regain my identity the right path to go down?

4. Is it possible to lose your sense of identity whilst you’re in a relationship? If so, how do you gain it back?

Sam