Dear Maria:

There is no requirement that you forgive Rachel. Why bother?

I will explain: she betrayed you and did not correct the betrayal. Buddhism, for me, is about seeing reality for what it is, “being awake”-

So there it is, reality. You wrote that the sting of betrayal hurts less now than when it was fresh. This is a good indication, and hopefully, it will hurt less in the future. You met new people, you wrote, had therapy and are learning to be truly happier.

So .. why bother with the quest of forgiving Rachel, for what purpose?

anita

Dear Maria:

I don’t bother to fit into a Buddhist identity or any other prescribed identity. I agree with certain principles and live by them regardless of where they originated or where they currently fit (religion, philosophy, etc.)

Again, the principle I follow, of which I read under Buddhism, is seeing reality for what it is. And seeing it with a “beginner’s mind”- not under the interferences of social conventions and rules, be it Buddhist rules, Christian rules or any other.

I decide, keeping in mind consequences, of course.

anita

Dear Maria:

I wonder too. This is why I would like it if you posted here any time, about your path.

anita

You are welcome, Maria.
anita

Dear Maria,

I don’t know if I am the right person to comment here but rather than considering the rigid ideas in religion, consider the spiritual aspects. I do not believe in various culturally ingrained aspects of the religion I was born into but I am fascinated with the deep ideas in the scriptures. there are some teachers whose thinking I found less about religious rituals, stubborn ideas and more about cultivating a clear mind to find ones own ideas about what is the right way.

Their focus was to develop ones principles outside of social conditioning and more in tune with ones inner nature. This is a rather long process and can take years but the changes come from within. Of course this led to some basic questions being asked like “how to concentrate” “how to cultivate a focused mind” “how to deal with negativity of the world outside” “how to be less anxious” – all are inter-related. The biggest lesson for me was if you can’t become your own friend first, then no amount of reading holy books, doing meditation will fix the basic thing that is chaotic – which is the inner world.

The outer one requires inter-dependance with others and certain skills. These are the ones where you need to consciously exercise your own will too. Be aware of what is right in front of you. Consider carefully why you can’t forgive the friend and the consequences of this from all points of view – for your mind and the people around you. When you are overwhelmned, calm your mind and ask yourself “what is really right for me?”

Regards,
Nina

How do I know I would even be happy with forgiving?

It’s remarkable to me that even though forgiveness is a part of all wisdom traditions it remains so little understood.

Part of the tension I noticed in your post seems to have been created with a struggle you have with the idea of forgiveness. Which is interesting because you state “Though I cannot forgive her for what she has done, I can be grateful”
“I can be grateful” shows that you are on the path of letting go and in my opinion forgiveness and letting go, go hand in hand.

It might help you to re-look at your expectations of forgiveness and what it means as it would be a shame for you to hold on to the experience of betrayal due to a misunderstanding of the word forgiveness.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting and time does not heal
Forgiveness does not mean what happened to you was ok.
Forgiveness does not mean the person that hurt us is no longer accountable or responsible. If there is not accountability to who we are and what we do, there is no meaning, purpose or love.
Forgiveness can heal a relationship but does not mean that that a personal relationship must be re-established.

Relationship occurs on many levels, even when there is no personal contact and sometimes ending a personal relationship is what is required to heal the relationship.

What most people actually struggle when a relationship ends due to betrayal is the relationship they have with the memory of the experience. Forgiveness is an important tool to help us with healing the relationship we have with ourselves and our memory of the experience.

For me forgiveness is letting go. We let go of victim and villain stories and wanting to get even. We let go of punishing ourselves.
We love those that fail us as we love ourselves when we fail. This is not letting them or ourselves off the hook but the grace to learn and grow from the experience.

It is a reality that we ‘awaken’ and experience life more clearly after a confrontation with the tension that comes from our experiences. Again that does not justify the experience. Justifications are the bars that keep us locked in the cells of our own creation.

Forgiveness allows us to look through the justifications so that the bars no longer lock us in but opes us to the possibility of wisdom and growth.

We pray for the grace to learn better so we might do better and loving others as ourselves we pray that those who hurt us might also learn better so they might do better. As you say you can be grateful even when you are hurt. You free your memory from anger, hate, fear… and see the experience as it is, responding to life instead of reacting to it as you move forward.

As I am new to Buddhism, I’m still figuring out how I perceive it. I am stuck between following a strict set of rules and following it the best I can without hurting my mental health.

When approaching the wisdom traditions there is always tension between rules and spiritual growth. All religions struggles with teaching spiritual growth while as an organization requiring boundaries to define itself that holds people in/together. I believe this tension exists to push us forward.

Unfortunately that often means that on the journey to become we will experience betrayal and death. Becoming requires a lot of dying. If you think about it every moment we experience is a birth, betrayal, death and only then resurrection. We die and are reborn with every breath we take. Forgiveness says yes to this reality.

For spiritual growth I like the idea of being “transparent to transcendence”. I see that as allowing the words to be symbols so that instead of being bound by them (rules) you look through them to what is being pointed to and learn something

“What is it we are questing for? It is the fulfillment of that which is potential in each of us. Questing for it is not an ego trip; it is an adventure to bring into fulfillment your gift to the world, which is yourself. There is nothing you can do that’s more important than being fulfilled. You become a sign, you become a signal, transparent to transcendence; in this way you will find, live, become a realization of your own personal myth.”

“Make your god transparent to the transcendent, and it doesn’t matter what his name is.”
Joseph Campbell