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I can't find help, so I need to die

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  • #86937
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    There’s no point in my trying. There’s no point in giving life another chance. Here’s my situation.

    My mom, although still I love her, started abusing me at the age of five. I was her punching bag, taking every name said from her mouth with brutal force. I was the bitch, asshole, mother fucker, idiot, stupid, retard, dumbass, and other words that I can’t seem to remember. This happened nearly every day. If I dropped something, “What the fuck is wrong with you bitch!”. If I came home with a failed test “You see, all you want to do is play video games and get fat. Your fucking ass needs to get beat by those kids. Watch me put you in special Ed, and see how those kids will beat you.”. It seems ironic looking back on her mentioning of special Ed, since she herself was a teacher. Any who, my mother didn’t hold back on verbally abusing me in public. If I made one tiny mistake, she would yell and scream while we were walking. My head fell down, as tears rolled down my cheeks and my struggle for breath kept getting worse. She would tell me to stop crying, and curse at me more. People stared, and I couldn’t do anything. Standing up to her would lead her rage to skyrocket, and beat me into a pulp. What confused me, though, was that she would tell my she loves me. She told me that since she cleans the house, irons my clothes,and give me the materials for school, saying that I should feel fortunate compared to other children. She told me that if I told anyone about how she treated me, she would beat me badly. And so I kept my mouth shut, and suffered in silence. My father tried to help me, but he is emotionally weak, receiving daily verbal abuse from my mom. I love my father, and we are still close to this day. He tries, and although he could do better, I know he’s a good father and man. My mom shut me off from independence, offering to do everything for me. To this day, I feel afraid going shopping and to the grocery store, since my I never had much experience going to these places. She also fed me a lot of junk food. Whenever a doctor would tell her to feed me better food, she’d say yes and would complain to me about how I don’t want to change. I was only little. She’d call me a fat ass pig, and would blame me for my weight gain. She also did the same with video games. She’d tell me to study, and would give me long hours for playing video games. If I failed a test, I would here “All you want to do is play games and fail your tests, you dumbass bitch.”. I struggled with school. I’m more studious now and receive high 90’s, but this wasn’t the case when I was younger. My parents also argued constantly. I was in the middle of everything. My mom threatened divorce, and I was scared because I didn’t want my dad to leave. I wanted him to stay because he could protect me. My dad cheated, which led to physical fights that I was always present for. They are still together, but its more of a friendship, a vey dysfunctional one. As I got older, she started to use a belt buckle. I’m aware that this is considered discipline in some countries, but I see it abuse. Physical abuse. She beat me whenever I failed an exam. I never committed a crime, and was and still is a good child. But she beat me, hard. I screamed. I wanted the burning pain in my back to stop, but she kept on going, telling me to say why I failed. If I didn’t say anything, the beating got worse. Eventually, she stopped using the belt. But the damage was done. I started to become depressed and suicidal. I wanted to jump out my window and go to heaven. Bullying at school became for frequent. I was always bullied, but my suicidal thoughts and depression made it worse.One incident that spoke me the most occurred this summer, 4 days after my high school graduation. I forgot what I did, but it was small. My mom got upset, and stated it beat me with her hands. I tried it get the phone to call 911, but she scratched it out my hand and took all the other phones so I couldn’t call for help. She blocked the door so couldn’t leave. She then finished me off by beating me with a toy bat. Afterwards, she left to take my little brother to school. I wanted to commit suicide right there. Afterwards, she told my neighbor about the incident and laughed. “Girl, she tried to call the cops and I said ‘what the hell is she trying to do?’ So I beat her ass. She deserved it. My ass ain’t going to jail. Hahahahaha!”. I was right there, and I felt like shit. I’m 17 now and is still living with her. I can’t run to my other family members, since they are just as dysfunctional. My grand father, although nice to me and my little brother, was always abusive to my grandmother. They had a recent fight where he punched her eye. My aunt and cousins abused one another growing up. My cousin often spit on me and hurt my feelings. He twisted my aunts arm, and she would beat him. To this day, they still argue. My uncle also gets into argument from time to time. They all laugh about their problems and joke, saying how it’s the way things are. They hide behind denial, which only makes the problem bigger. They are nice to my brother and I, but can be abusive to each other. My little brother is experiencing my moms same treatment. We are, and have always been close. We never hurt each other, and despite our arguing some times, we get along well. He wishes that I want commuting to college. He tells me to stay home to protect him from my mom.More things happened, but it would be far to much to write. My mom believes that what she did wasn’t abuse, and blames me and stress. My mom went through a lot, but don’t we all have problems? My mom even laughs about her behavior and the abuse, saying how I just have to deal with gear anger. I know my mom, enough to know that she will never change her ways. She’ll smile and think that I’m sensitive for dwelling on the past. But I know what I went through, and it hurts. My mom doesn’t have a job now, and is dealing with an ongoing court case. I’ll sympathize for her, but that’s as far as I’ll go. I’d also like to add that I’m a black girl, and my mom is from the Caribbean.

    The therapist that my college offers is horrible. One therapist laughed when I told her about my situation. I know that I receive websites for therapists, but I can’t even leave my house without my mom questioning me. I come home to my mom threatening to kill my dad, and my little brother getting bullied from my mom, telling him that he’ll die because he’ll get diabetes and high blood pressure. She fed him this way, and he can’t stand up for myself. I can’t leave my or my parents will get suspicious. It’s like I’ll have to suffer for years, and it’s hard. Suicide often seems right. I think about it everyday, and I might just do it. Everyone will be happy to not hear my cries. My mom won’t have me to yell at me.I’ll do the world justice. Fuck my dreams. What’s the point in achieving them if I can’t get help? I can’t leave my house with out telling my parents where I’m going. If I tell her it’s therapy, she’ll beat me black and blue. If I’m gone, no one will have to hear my cries for help. Everyone will breath knowing that one depressed person is not putting their depression in others. Because, just like my mom said “the world is better off of I go”. There will be another better artist and writer. If you want to see a shitty unfinished stories of mine, here:

    “Mom? Are you there?”
    “Yes my sweets, Im here. You just have to open your eyes.”
    “But…what if Haley comes and pours ice cold water on me?”
    “And what if you don’t open your eyes at all? You’ll have to wait until tonight again to see me my love.”
    “…”
    “Open your eyes sweetie. Let’s have a wonderful moment together before your day officially starts.”
    “Ok mommy”
    And with that, Annabelle slowly opened her eyes. “Good Morning my love. Are you ready for another adventure?” said Abilene’s mother. “Yes mommy. Let’s have some fun!” said Abilene.
    Abilene reached her hand towards her mother. Abilene mom grabbed Abilene’s hand and lifted her of light green grass that she was laying on. Abilene stared directly into her mother’s attractive face, smiling wide with security and happiness. Her moms face represented that of the perfect circle, not too fat, but not to skinny either. Her face was decorated with various elements of beauty: 2 bright acorn brown eyes, accompanied with white irises near the top left corner, one small and well centered nose, a petite but wide mouth that always displayed positivity, two small ears that were placed appropriately at each side of her head just below her temples, and her long and curly chocolate brown hair that reached her hips. It was as if her mom represented perfect external facial qualities that you’d expect out of a typical mother. “Mommy…your so beautiful!”
    “Oh sweetie.” Abilene’s mom kneels down and places her hand softly, with grace, onto her daughters cheek. “You know that beauty just isn’t exterior. You also need to acknowledge what’s inside.”
    “Of course! Your kind, nice, and really respectful!”
    “Is that all? Can’t you name any other inner qualities?”
    Abilene frowns. “Mom, must you always ask me questions? I want to spend sometime with you before morning.”
    “I know honey, but I want you to know the importance of appreciating ones inner qualities other than their outer ones.”
    “Ok. Now can we have some fun?
    Abilene’s mom chuckles. “Alright sweetie.” She takes her hand from Abilene’s cheek and places it onto her head, rubbing it softly. “Let’s have fun”
    Abilene face brightens with happiness and excitement. So many things were racing through her head at once. Were they going to ride on a fluffy pink cloud towards the horizon, amongst the white doves and the other pink clouds? Maybe they would take piece of a dandelion seed from the humongous dandelion flowers and fly into the sky?

    My situation is not going to get better and I’m bound to commit suicide at some point. If I died people will stop worrying. If you have any other suggestions on how I can get people to stop worrying, because I’ve already pissed people off by venting, that will be appreciated.
    Also, if Anita sees this, please don’t bother answering. I don’t want to burden anyone.

    #86938
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jessica:

    I was wondering about you, precious Jessica, hero Jessica. I didn’t read the whole post above, just the beginning but will read it all later this evening. I can see you are having a tough time and I am not surprised. How can you not have a tough time with such ongoing abuse, with such a long history of ongoing abuse? It is impossible. Of course the pain gets too overwhelming from time to time and the … natural solution seems to be suicide. You are hurting; you are also a fighter. After you feel badly, there will come a point again, in the near future when you will feel better, just like it happened before.

    It gets overwhelming. Take time alone, somewhere to recover. Remember you have the option of running away to a shelter at any time. You will get food and shelter there and over time, you can make a good life for yourself. If it gets so overwhelming, you CAN run away. It will be the right thing for you, save yourself, run!

    Or take a few breaths and think about times in the past when you felt overwhelmed and how you felt hope afterwards and know, it will happen again.

    anita

    #86943
    Laycee
    Participant

    Jessica,

    Sweety, all the troubles that you are going through because of your family will not go away simply because you are not around. At the very least, it really sounds like your brother needs you. What will happen to him without you?
    Find a better therapist. I think you might have good luck ( because I can see that you already have) trying to get advice from this website. I have tried counseling through my college as well and it never works out. I have put a lot of time into self help and helping others, only to find that tinybuddha.com has the most purely helpful and unbiased advice I can find.

    Jessica, there isn’t anything you can do to change others. You have held out for 17 years now;that is a lot time! You can keep it up until you’re old enough to be on your own. I know you’re not a kid anymore, and you’re in a tough spot between the freedoms of adulthood and the controlling/abusive nature of your family. But remember, change too takes time. You can go about handling this by helping yourself personally, or by going to the authorities, thought I know the idea of going to officials is scary and you’re feeling alone.

    What I think would benefit you is working on controlling yourself. You are NOT doing anything wrong so please do not take what I said like that. Instead I think you could benefit from working on your self esteem, enjoying things in life because there is never a reason not to, and accepting every person, thing, idea, thought, feeling, and situation for what it is. ONLY what it is. Do no give into negative thinking because it makes everything so much worse, dear.

    I would suggest you going to the authorities because you don’t want your younger brother to be in the situation you are in right now, right? The change/drama/emotions if you do go to the authorities will be crazy, but you know that it will be worth it. The only way you will be able to truly get past this current part of your life, deal with everything in your past, and have a happy future is if you get out of this negative cycle entirely. You have a bad family, but don’t let them be the cause of your suffering. For every negative, fight it with a positive. If you have to constantly tell yourself positive things to balance out their negative, do it.

    The last thing I wasn’t to say is journal. You enjoy writing to an extent, obviously. That is something for you to cling to, if nothing else. Journal all the negative, keep going until you feel you have written what you needed to, since having a conversation with these people around you probably is not an option or worth it. Reread it, and ask yourself “Do I really feel this way? Truly? Or is a lot of it stress from the situations, the people?”

    Please read some of the posts on this site about positive thinking, stress relief, and loving yourself. If YOU crate a positive space inside you, because YOU is all you will always have, then that positivity will also be something you will always have. You are doing good, Jessica. After everything you have and are going through, here you are; going to college, actively seeking help for yourself. College will help you get out of this place you are in, but you need to put as much into it as you want to get out of it. Work your a** off for that bright future you want, even if you don’t know exactly where you want to be yet, or if your values change over time. Either way, it will take time to get to where you want to go, but not as much time as you have already put willingly and unwillingly into your family situation.

    Suicide will get you quite literally no-where. You deserve the right and the chance to make your life AMAZING. You will make it through this, but commit yourself to improving your life. You will get out of it, positivity and opportunity, only if you allow it to happen and bring some positivity into your life yourself. Once you begin doing this, good things will happen to you.

    -Laycee

    #86944
    jock
    Participant

    I have put a lot of time into self help and helping others, only to find that tinybuddha.com has the most purely helpful and unbiased advice I can find.

    Anita and others who regularly respond. A credit to you!

    #86963
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jessica:

    If you attend therapy, it is not going to fix your mother’s behavior.

    Take a bag big enough for a few of your clothes and personal items, papers you need, any money you have. Place that bed behind your bed. Tell your brother why you are leaving, that you hope to be able to help him one day, but that for now you have to help yourself. And leave. When you exit that apartment with your bag, know in your heart and mind that you are never going back there, that you are closing this chapter of your life. Never go back, not to that apartment, not to anywhere your mother is. Tonight or tomorrow morning.

    Leave. In the next 12 hours, leave. Go to a police station, ask for a ride to a shelter for you. A shelter for abused teenagers. Say and do whatever it takes to not go back, to never again see your mother.

    anita

    #86964
    anita
    Participant

    Jessica:

    Do not exit life, exit that apartment. Do not end your life, end your contact with your mother- never to see or hear her again.

    Do not leave this world, leave your mother and your father who did not protect you from her.

    Leave.

    anita

    #86978
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    It’s not easy to just leave.

    #86980
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jessica:

    I know it is not easy to leave. Are you saying though it is easier or… less difficult to stay in a situation that makes you see death as the way out (“so I need to die” are your words)?

    anita

    #86981
    anita
    Participant

    Is it easier for you to stay, Jessica? That is my question.
    anita

    #86982
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Atleast I have a place with food, clothing, resources, and money. I understand where your coming from, but it’s just hard. Hopefully I won’t have to jump off my school building. I’d only do that if there literally so no other options.

    #86983
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jessica:

    Like I just wrote to you in a private email: I asked you to visualize packing your bag and leaving, close your eyes and see it happening in your mind’s eye so it becomes more of a real option in the future. So then when you think of jumping off a school building you will see packing your bag and leaving as a real option.

    Please close your eyes, and calmly SEE it, see every step of it. Prepare for it as an option for later, so you remember it as an option.

    anita

    #87015
    BenzRabbit
    Participant

    Jess,

    Please DO NOT even think of jumping off any building !

    You are a kind and gentle soul that has gone through too much crap at a very young age !!

    If you are not ready to leave now then your next option becomes to wait until you turn 18.

    Just know you deserve love and affection and to be treated as a human being.

    Here is the link to the National Child Abuse organization that can assist you:
    https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/

    If you are in the US or Canada you can call them 24 hours a day and just talk to them anonymously – their toll free number is 1-800-422-4453.

    I pray your angels guide you forward !

    GOD Bless !!

    #87067
    Jennifer
    Participant

    Dear Jessica,

    It’s Jennifer here. I did not share earlier with you, but I myself also went through a stage where I had wanted to commit suicide 3 years ago. I’m grateful I did not, otherwise I wouldn’t be here responding to you. There are options out there. If you leave, what will happen to your brother and dad? They will be only left with guilt, pain, sorrow, immense burden for the rest of their lives.

    And btw, I like your writing…I can envision you becoming a writer one day and helping others out of the darkness too.

    There is nothing wrong with venting…we all do that. You have the right to do that.

    If you don’t feel comfortable seeking a therapist, how about going to a nearby church? I myself am not Christian, but you can always find a pastor or someone you can trust to talk about your situation. Maybe if you tell your mom you are going to church, that maybe easier to tell her than to say you are seeking help.

    I found this multicultural non-denominational church in Brooklyn maybe you can pay a visit:
    Brooklyn Tabernacle http://www.brooklyntabernacle.org/the-church
    You can even just submit a prayer request online. Or see if there’s a church near your college or home. Maybe you can pop by during lunch or right after school.

    If you need to talk to someone right now, this again is available 24-hours:
    (212) 673-3000
    http://samaritansnyc.org/24-hour-crisis-hotline/

    We are here for you Jessica.

    Big Hugs,
    Jennifer

    #87070
    Jennifer
    Participant

    And by the way, I’m leaving my job in accounting to go study to become a youth worker…to help people like you, Jessica. So don’t feel at all you are a burden. In fact, we are learning so much from you and feeling your pain together with you. Take good care ok?

    #87116
    Jennifer
    Participant

    Jessica and Anita,

    I was thinking maybe the 3 of us can connect via email to chat about parental issues….

    I offer my email here menchiesjen@gmail.com.

    Hope you can give me a shout within the next day or two!

    Thanks!
    Jennifer

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