September 19, 2016 at 12:08 pm #115620
The last few months I’ve had a hard time and I’m mentally very unstable and sad. I’d like to share my story with you to let go a bit more and maybe to get advice how to be happy again.
So my childhood was amazing, but I’ve suffered from a light OCD (which I only know now bc it’s now fully developed), fear of losing someone or getting hurt or lost myself. I was afraid that everything would poison me. Like if I looked at a bottle of medicine, I was so afraid that I accidentally touched it and that I’m poisoned because of it. Also I always had the thought that there was someone in my room and that I was never fully alone in it. This was all only for a period of time and I guess I just grew out of some of it but the OCD and the fear of my own room is still there. I’ve often wondered why I had these issues because it just seems so insane, because my whole childhood was fine and I don’t know why I had these sever fears.
In middle school I got bullied because i acted crazy to make people like me, which was stupid but it’s still not okay that they bullied me for it. This was a hard time for me and I really hated myself. I changed school but then there were some issues and fights with friends so that I was alone again. People have often showed me that I’m annoying and that I should not talk, so now I have social anxiety and I don’t know how to act around people sometimes.
I’ve had a psychologist who helped me with that and it got a lot better and I have ‘friends’ again, but I don’t really consider them as my friends because I know that they don’t fully know me, they just know a very little part of me, which is so small that they barely know anything. And I never show how I feel about things or at least rarely.
Over all of these years I have experienced so much pain that I fell into a deep depression and I still have it. It gets better from time to time but the pain always comes back when I feel sad again and I get so sad that I would cry for hours and I would not manage to come down or be happy again. I often ask myself what I did to deserve a life where nothing seems to work. Every goal I set I seem to be unable to reach. And it’s very frustrating. Everything i ever wanted in life failed. I don’t have true friends and I never had true friends, I don’t seem to reach my goals in life. Everyone gets on so well but since I got bullied my life just stopped moving and I’m stuck in these feelings of failure. It makes me so incredibly sad that I will get so mad that I will hurt myself or my family and I will cry a lot and I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Is it just fate? Is there a rule that I can’t do anything and will be sad forever?
And also all the war and negativity and hurting of animals and how the human beings treat the earth make me so sad as well and so angry.
I just feel like the pain can’t go away.September 19, 2016 at 1:27 pm #115625AnonymousGuest
I don’t believe in fate, therefore my answer to “Is it just fate?” is No.
Regarding “is there a rule that I can’t do anything and will be sad forever?”
Yes, there is a rule that when you were hurt and scared repeatedly as a child, that- unless you heal- you will continue to be hurt and scared as an adult. This is so because as a child your brain is in the process of forming, and once formed (as an adult), the hurt and fear is part of your brain. The healing process is about the gradual undoing of connections between brain cells and the making of new connections (This scientific term for the latter process is Neuroplasticity).
You wrote a couple of times that your childhood was amazing. I am supposing you meant that you had a very good childhood. I don’t know what you mean by it.
If you’d like to explain to me what you mean by an amazing childhood and if you are willing to consider the possibility that your childhood was not as good as you think it was, please let me know.
anitaSeptember 20, 2016 at 7:38 am #115691Peter ReeceParticipant
Firstly, my sincere sympathies to you in your situation.
Secondly, now you’re written your whole story down, how do you feel about it?
Thirdly, like Anita, I don’t believe in fate either. I believe we are the product of many, many things, among them our choices. There is no doubt you’ve been dealt a poor hand in life with your OCD and your depression. The question is, what now? Can you make positive choices to steer your life in the right direction?
I’d just like to reflect back to you some of the words you have used: nothing seems to work. Every goal I set I seem to be unable to reach. And it’s very frustrating. Everything i ever wanted in life failed.
Well done for trying to make things work and for setting yourself goals and you would really help yourself even more if you could think of something that does work, a goal you have reached and something you wanted in life which did succeed. On these wins, however small, you can build a way forward.
I hope this helps
PeteSeptember 20, 2016 at 10:11 am #115712
That you for your answer,
by an “amazing childhood” I mean that my family cared a lot about me and i had a lot of friends and just grew up under good circumstances. I was a child that could talk early and I was very curious and knew a lot of things and I just was a very happy child before these fears accused and after I was happier again too. But never as happy as I have been before.September 20, 2016 at 10:13 am #115713
Thank you, this answer is really helpful indeed. I try to be more positive, but on days like the day when I posted it, I just have a negative mind. But I’m working on it.
I feel better now, after telling my story. Whenever I talk about it it gets a little bit easier to let go of it.September 20, 2016 at 10:17 am #115714
and a question: how do you think I can heal this and do you think it is possible to fully heal it?September 20, 2016 at 11:48 am #115724AnonymousGuest
Is the question for me? To fully heal may be impossible: to be “as good as new”. The injuries were done, you have the wounds as a consequence. You can heal a whole lot, over time, in psychotherapy with a competent, empathetic, hard working therapist.
You describe yourself as a happy young child, curious, outgoing, talked early… true for me too, so I heard. I was very active, running around, talking early, curious, investigating…
And then I was none of these things. At five or six things changed. I did a lot of healing but I don’t think I will ever go back to that curious, full of life, excited and excitable young child that I was. There is some magic in childhood, when it is a good childhood. A feeling of safety that once shattered, you can’t believe in again.
So as you do take the work of healing, the expectations of being made “as good as new” and experience life like a three year old are not realistic.
anitaSeptember 20, 2016 at 1:09 pm #115727TraceyParticipant
I can relate with your story and i thought the world was against me and all sorts of other (mind chatter nonsense)as i now call it. Trouble is i started realising that “every” human on this planet has their very own story, even if they are wealthy, attractive, famous or whatever they will still have a problem that eats at their heart and soul.
Thats when i realised that i was the only person that could actually help ME, i tried for several years to sort through my emotional garbage, backtracking on past events….it got me nowhere, except more miserable.
I am now reading all i can on Mindfulness, it’s very very hard work and i don’t always do very well at it but i would recommend it as it’s a real eye opener into how our naughty little mind can totally control our living lives and how we can gain some control of it back.
I feel calmer and less stressed to others behaviour and more patient to situations out of my control and as for Mother Earth, she’s been around alot longer than us and is more powerful than we give her credit for, she will sort us out one way or another.