Dear John:

Before I read your last post to me, the one just before it, you wrote: “It’s almost like I pick women who I know I won’t like.”- makes me think you picking your mother to be in your life, as she is, even though you don’t like her. In reality, you do pick her every day that you live on her property.

As to your note to me: I read it with your mother on my mind (following my comment above). Let’s see.. why don’t I suggest a few things- may be correct, incorrect, or partially correct, you can ponder it, if you’d like (let me know):

1. “I seriously think I’m addicted to love or the beginning stages of it. I love courting, talking to women, and romancing them. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.”- maybe this is motivated by you living away from your mother at this point. Could be that freedom-from-misery… freeing energy to explore dating.

2. “What happens with me is that I always think, ‘I totally like this woman’ before we even meet. I build her up and then feel let down when we meet and I don’t feel anything- maybe it is hope at first, and then there is a let down of that hope. When I write hope, I mean the same-old-same-old hope, that your mother will be loving, gentle and kind, talking to you with a quiet comforting voice. Then there is the let down- she is either anxious (not comforting) or yelling (definitely not comforting). You may be re-living the same old dynamic for about forty years, now projected into dating.

anita

Dear John:

First, a qualifier: I know how strong fear is. I think of it as the most powerful emotion there is. Fear is so powerful it makes us close our eyes to things that scare us. Even though we know on a deep level what we need to do, we don’t. And no amount of rational you and I can possibly make what is scary- less scary than it is.

You wrote: ” I know, move out, but what can I do in the meantime?”- it wasn’t I who whispered in your ears, when you wrote that line: “Move out!”- it was your own voice you heard. But it is too scary to do, so you (understandably, like so many of us) choose to live “in the meantime.”

“In the meantime” is that Purgatory state of living. Defined by Wikipedia, purgatory “is an intermediate state after physical death in which some of those ultimately destined for heaven must first ‘undergo purification, so as to achieve the holiness necessary to enter the joy of heaven’.”

So, living on your mother’s property is that purgatory, for you. You hope to heal, living on her property, with daily contact with her, to … purify (in definition) before you go to heaven, that is, be healed.

I am thinking of your mother’s guesthouse as your purgatory. I lived in purgatory for as long as I had any contact with my mother- it kept me there.

What an act of courage it would be to move out of purgatory. Thing is, you move out- but there is no heaven awaiting you. Stay- and the same old- same old hell doesn’t feel THAT bad. It is not so bad.. is it?

anita

Dear John:

You are welcome. You wrote: “I am not looking for a hand out (which is what I’ve been receiving at my mothers)”-

You think that it is a hand out (definition: something given free to a needy person) that you are receiving at your mother’s? You think she is giving you these accommodations for free?

Remember I wrote to you that when we are scared, we close our eyes to the reality that scares us?

Try to see it in your statement I quoted here, and let me know if you want me to elaborate on your understanding or otherwise, offer mine.

You thanked me at the end of your post, above. Giving you my input on this may feel so uncomfortable that you will not be grateful anymore. So let me know. I am okay with keeping my (yet to be articulated) input to myself.

anita

Dear John:

Yes, I do have thoughts, I often do…. here they are:

You are not a criminal or a sinner for not being employed or for your business idea and practice not being a solid money making venture. This meeting with this woman is not a Confessional. You need not confess and be forgiven before you can have a good time. Not more than she has to confess to you about her …. less than good-enough parenting of her children, all the ways she wasted money and resources in her life and so on.

State your employment and money situation as it is; don’t try to make it look better (or worse) than it is. If she was fortunate enough to be born into money- it will be okay for her to spend a bit of it on a date with you- no law against it, neither is it unethical.

All you need to do is state your situation in a self respectful way. If she responds negatively (and she may, as social conventions are powerful)- well, what can you do? But do your part to not promote such response on her part by volunteering your own self judgment and promotion of such social conventions.

Interesting, if a person makes money by defrauding others, or misusing public funds, that is … socially acceptable? Unemployment is a “sin” but misusing public funds is acceptable?

See the bigger picture- go on a date, not a confessional (you can play confessional with her, as a game, but both have to confess… that could be fun).

anita

Dear John:

You are welcome. Since it bothers you, do tell her: this is bothering me. I need to tell you this: I am unemployed/ my business is far from being a money making business… however you want to put it, as long as it is true and respectful to yourself. Say it objectively, without your interpretation. You can ask her how she feels about it, and listens to her answer.

Do keep it objective and simple- just the facts.

anita

Dear John:

I think it was fine that you told her you are on a strict budget. Again, you don’t owe her more details, at this point. If you were at a point of living together, then yea, that would be the time to run some numbers. But on a second date- what you said was appropriate.

I thought about social conventions in regard to your thread, yesterday, after writing to you last- I thought: it is a social convention (still and unfortunately so) that a man pays for the woman (even when she has more money!). But it is also a social convention that women take care of their conventional job of being mothers. That is, being good mothers.

Now, don’t women fail at this! For crying out loud, so many fail. And yet, in the confessional of dating- her mothering is not an issue, but who is paying the dating bill is a big one… ha!

Regarding you moving out- I am familiar with the rents (and real estate) in SoCal. Yes, I understand. Back to mothers, I also understand the soul-sucking, lifetime dysfunction inflicted often enough by mothers upon their minor children and promoted into adulthood. There is a saying: I would rather die on my feet than live on my knees. What it means to me, in your circumstances, is that maybe living with your mother is living on your knees and moving out- somewhere- may be dying on your feet- but maybe better, it may be (how exciting would that be?)- Living on your feet!

anita

Dear John:

If you move out, you wrote, “it will be so expensive.” Makes me think of a slave, saying something like: If I move out of my owner’s house, I will have to pay my own rent! I can’t afford it!

I have spent a few nights in two different shelters in SoCal, many years ago: one was wonderful (a shelter for abused women, South Bay, included staying there through day and night, eating together, counseling) but the other (a general shelter, in a church, nights only)- was terrible and I don’t see how it could help me- the latter was for the sole purpose of being indoors at nights.

I don’t like the idea of you being homeless, in the streets, in nightly shelters only, your health deteriorating, damaged, exposed to violence in the streets. So, I am not recommending: get out now! No matter where to!

In life there are choices and consequences. There are consequences to having your mother in your life. And there will be consequences to living away. You choose, you are the one to choose, because it is YOU who will live with the consequences. Don’t beat yourself up for not working; don’t be angry with yourself- please- try to see it as strictly Choices -> Consequences, that is all.

anita