Or maybe im in denial. So after my engagement ended back in Jan, a couple months back i met this cool guy in new York and we talked. He then visited Miami for a festival and we hanged out. There was def some attraction going on, we talked every single day as friends, just getting to know each other. I ended my engagement (not bc of him it just wasn’t working out for awhile already) and he had just ended his intense-long term relationship a couple months back, so we felt we were both on the same page about moving on and coming to terms to why our relationships ended. He bought me a flight to NY and we spent a weekend together, it was fun easy and chill. Sex was great, we got along very well. I left back to MIA and we texted every single day. The next month, he flew down to see me again. In April, i got a job offer in NY and moved here, we spent 2 weeks practically together as if we were dating. We must have said i love you several times to each other. I left 3 months on a vacation I had planned all the while we kept talking until i told him i had met someone in Thai and slept with him and what not, and that i was torn because i didnt wanted too, but felt i HAD to because i needed this to be single and stuff because i felt i was jumping into something with him that i just shouldnt be doing. He got jealous and said he didn’t wanted to taint my experience with his jealousy and so he did a 360 and disconnected himself from me so i could enjoy my vacation. The last 2 months i was away, we barely spoke; conversations were short. When i was back in NY we saw each other and slept together. I felt we would pick off where we left off. We kept hanging out, introduced me to most of his friends, and what not. Spending a lot of time together now that i actually lived here. But, now things got messy. It was a grey area where we never really set boundaries. At one point, i said i wanted to stop seeing him because i was liking him too much and couldn’t have a relationship, he looked sad and almost begged me not to do that. So i didn’t. We kept hanging. A week later i stupidly mentioned i had met someone i wanted to see again, and then he did another 360 and the next time i saw him, he said he had been wanting to sleep with other people. He asked me how i felt about it and i said i was fine. We had a threesome together and that was the last time we shared a moment of intimacy together. i guess i was being too intense and over text he mentioned nothing had changed, and he still wasnt ready to commit. I said i didn’t wanted a relationship but i did not wanted him to see other people either. I got upset about him asking me for space, we had a huge fight where I texted him paragraphs of what i felt and he did not answer (he was out). For hours i knew nothing. He finally apologized and said he was sorry for his behavior but that he didn’t know what to say, that he was only being honest, that he was thankful to have met me and i have helped him in his life to move on and become who he is. But that he doesn’t want a relationship and he just needed space and distance and i wasn’t giving him that.  He felt i was falling in love with him and he knew this couldn’t be. I had been feeling things were coming to an end for a while because the texting had stopped, it wasn’t like before where weve talked all day. I wasn’t receiving much of his attention and i was craving it. I didn’t wanted a relationship either, but i didn’t wanted to stop seeing him.

This week he came over to borrow me some tools after not speaking for over 1-2 weeks, and we talked nothing happened. Over the weekend, i was at a party with my neighbors who happen to be his friends, i texted him to come over and he did. I didn’t think anything would happen but we ended up sleeping together. But as we were on my sofa he started to kiss me and i didnt really say no. After sex, he cuddled me like he usually does and said i love you,  i never wanted to stop seeing you. We spent the next day together sleeping in my bed and watching tv, then we went out, where then he was dancing and kissing and hugging me but also meeting girls, and he ended up doing the same with some girl he met at the party friends of a friend. At one point we sat down together and he said “i want that asian chick” and i said “go for it, you always had a thing for asians” and he laughed. At one point, he was literally doing this back and forth between me and her or dancing too close with her next to me and i couldnt help but feel uncomfortable and didn’t know what to do. He noticed and asked me if i was fine, i said i was ok . The third time he asked i sat down and told him i wasn’t ok about what he was doing, that i didn’t wanted to see that, that it was breaking my heart. He apologized and said he was on drugs and that this is why he cant commit, because hes a horny bastard. My night was ruined and so was his. He stopped whatever he was doing with this other girl completely and a couple hours later he came to me and asked if i wanted to leave, we left together. In the cab, he hugged me and said he was sorry, and that he cared for me. We hugged, talked, and in bed slept together again. We were in bed cuddling and i wanted to have sex which we did but only for a couple minutes, then he decided to stop for whatever reason and we just decided to sleep. While talking in bed i said if you really liked me we’d be together, and he said i know. He asked would things be diff for me if i wanted, and i said, i would be ready to commit to you yes, that i wasn’t afraid to fall in love anymore. Life was too short.

The next morning i heard him picking up and cleaning and i woke up and he said hey good morning i just dont wanna miss the day again so im just cleaning, he left the bedroom and i got dressed and left his house, he said text me if you need anything but i never heard from him so texted him asking what i meant to him, was i just the rebound to get over his ex or was i the girl he fucks when he was no one better around. he said, your my friend, im sorry. I replied i couldn’t see him anymore and that nothing of this was expected. After a couple hours he replied back and said he dint expect  any of this either and that at some point he wanted something serious but that for a reason or maybe a couple he got disillusioned, not ready, or willing to keep trying. But that we weren’t supposed to in the first place. It wasn’t what neither of us needed or wanted.

I think im bothered because i really like this guy. I feel an emotional connection to him and after a while, it wasn’t just sex, it was more. But we never sat and set boundaries, it was always a gray area. Im heartbroken and confused. when hes with me i can feel he cares for me, but then he is cold and distant. I cant read him. I’ve gone over this multiple times n my head and cant help but feel, it is my fault. I sent the wrong signals, i wasn’t clear, i said things i shouldn’t (i met someone whos meaningless) and gave me and showed him parts of me that maybe too fast too soon (threesomes, etc).

I wanted to see someones perspective on this and if i should even answer that last message. I feel im in denial and just not really accepting rejection and the fact that, he doesn’t want me enough to stop seeing other people. Should i ask for an open relationship? Should i completely block him and forget about him? I feel torn between my feelings once again, between what I should be doing, and what i feel.