Hi. I want to love my husband, be in love with him. There are so many things right about him. He could probably have anyone he wants. I don’t think less of myself because of that but think he deserves more because I know he is getting the crappy version of myself and I can’t seem to turn it off. We married young, 19 & 23. I was in love. Wish I would have saw the world first. Now we say we’ll see it together. However when I envisioned it back then, it was alone, as an independent, strong, and thriving girl becoming a woman (cliché but so life giving as a thought), not having to answer or consider anyone else. I did the opposite.
THE PAST:
The kids have become our focus (3yr old and 9yr old); we barely have time to keep up with the day’s demands. If I had to pick a life event that impacted us negatively, I would say his job. Six years or so ago, he was a supervisor, moving up pretty fast but then he and a female were inappropriate at work. He was fired and it turned into a legal thing we had to fight. He was on unemployment for awhile. I stood by. We had our daughter. Around the same time, I had gotten great job and found Zumba as a passion, lost weight looked great and unfortunately responded to the first co-worker that hit on me. I know. Where was my self-esteem? Anyway, this was not his first offense, just his first one at work. I think honestly I hang on to wishing I was smart enough to dump him the first time he messed up, before we married but here we are now, 12yrs and two kids in. We’ve gone to boot camp and learn we have to forgive over and over, even for an old offense that we remember. We decided to heal and go forward. The real reason I bring up his job is because since he was fired he had to look for another right? Well he got a job at a dealership.
FAST FORWARD TO NOW:
It requires a lot more hours. At first I was bothered that our Saturday’s together were gone. During the weekdays, he’d be coming home late and at unpredictable hours. I was also super stressed that future paychecks were unpredictable (commission). I told him how much I hated it. This went on for a while. He still works there. He wants to stay and I can see how. Reasons not listed. However, a lot of nights I don’t know when he is coming home. Sometimes, he tends to revert back to late hours for the deal, for the bread. We talked about this a while back and he has worked on even handing a deal to someone else just so he can be home. I take the kids to their games on Saturdays and he tries his best to make it, which he does most of the time. I get it. He wants to feel like he is doing his part and providing. I miss our Saturdays a lot. After the change in his job, I remember taking my kids to eat on a Saturday and seeing a couple with each other sitting and talking, seemingly without care. I teared up on the spot. Seeing that broke my heart. Because he screwed up and we all had to suffer. I treasured our Saturdays so much. I talked to him about that to. Now he at least tried to make it to our kid’s games. We also make the best out of our Sundays. I am telling you he is great despite the past. Anyway, all his working has become something else I have just come to be ok with. I told him and myself I would just numb myself to it. He brought home good money and we continue to work with it. Now I am to the point where I somewhat prefer it, accepted it. I don’t feel it bothers me now. Or do I?
Something I am not sure worth mentioning is his side of the fam and kind of a big secret. His fam? They are good people. We’ve visited his family in Honduras and I can go for a quick minute but I am usually ready to go right back home. And something he and no one else knows that…I would never consider an extended stay or move to Honduras if circumstances required it. Not for him. I feel so bad for that and I feel like it is a huge secret. It makes me feel like I don’t love him as much as love should love. Also I could never have sex again and I would be fine with that. Sometimes I tell myself it is like working out….you’re glad you did it once you did it. We’re usually closer after.
ALL-IN-ALL:
Honestly, we have a really great family and an unconditional support system from our extended family. From the outside, things are awesome. Our Sundays together (kids, hubby & I) are pretty great! So as mom and dad, we are doing great but as husband and wife…not so much. As an individual with my own identity, what is that supposed to look like and would I recognize it if I saw it. I am realizing I am more introverted, he is extroverted. There is a considerable gap in our sex drive. IS THERE ONE PILL THAT CAN FIX THIS ALL? I am kidding.

And if you made it this far, thanks for caring because I am looking for advice.

PS I committed to us and have stuck it out repeatedly. I have felt proud and happy with the decision at times. I want my husband by my side, old and wrinkly, in a wheel chair next to me. I want my kids to be proud of us and to be an example but I have several conflicting emotions as you can see. I am not attracted to him and I don’t have much of a sex drive. Rarely do I miss him. I don’t know what is right or wrong. I don’t like that this so much of a struggle. I don’t want to break my childrens hearts.
QUESTIONS-SO MANY QUESTIONS
What would I regret on my deathbed? I feel like I was too young to make the decisions I made but I can’t rewind things. I am where I am now. And I have never been a heartbreaker and I don’t have a desire to start! I think I’d be breaking my own. Is it just that I never spent enough time with myself or I need some girlfriends? Is this not who I am supposed to grow old with? Do I just need to be medicated? Dear Lord. I need to be struck upside the head with the answers because I feel like I don’t have the balls to make any of my own.