Dear Rachelforlove:

I would like to help you with your question but need to know more about your relationship with your boyfriend: how long has it been? When did it start going badly? Why? In what ways has it been bad? And are the two of you still “always yelling”?

anita

Dear Rachelforlove:

My answer/ opinion: do not tell him. If your relationship with your boyfriend is good enough, the fighting is about dishes not washed and your sexual interaction with the other woman was a one time event, and you have no intention to cheat on your boyfriend again, with a woman or a man, then I wouldn’t tell him.

Because once you tell him, you can’t untell him. He will forever remember it and then there will be … all that work on his part to deal with this information, to process it… and why not avoid the whole thing, have mercy on him?

I wouldn’t tell him for his sake. Please do keep an ongoing honest communication with him otherwise, beyond this one event.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Rachelforlove:

I understand that you are feeling very badly for that one time event you had with the other person. I understand that. You might think that if you tell your boyfriend, you will feel better, relieved of the guilty conscience, this burden. Unfortunately, it may feel better for you for a short time, but the price for that short time relief will be lots of misery to come and you may have to break up the relationship, or he will because it would be too painful.

You have future challenges to deal with in this relationship as there are in every relationship. You will have your … plate full with problems to deal with, from more unwashed dishes to future problems yet to come about. It is not necessary to add this one!

You made a mistake and you sincerely regret it. This pain you are feeling, this burden is the natural consequence of doing something wrong. You are already suffering. To choose to inflict suffering on your boyfriend so to feel better yourself, for a short time, is very selfish and adds injury to injury.

If you can’t handle the guilt, then break up the relationship. This may be the price to pay, but I wouldn’t inflict this on him. Of course I don’t know him… do you think he deserves to be hurt this way? To be punished?

anita

Dear rachelforlove:

You were curious and now you know. If your relationship with your boyfriend is a good enough relationship for both of you then I hope it gets stronger and stronger through honest communication forward, about everything. I hope that you can and that you leave this one incident in the past without telling him. If you need someone’s forgiveness, well … do forgive yourself. You were curious, you made the wrong choice for the relationship by trying to satisfy your curiosity while in the relationship and you feel badly about it. The message behind feeling badly about it, is that it was the wrong choice for you to do what you did while in a relationship.

Next time you are curious about something, if it has an effect on the relationship, don’t act on it alone. Instead: talk to your boyfriend about it. It is okay to be curious about anything at all. it is okay for you to feel whatever you feel about anything and it is okay for him to feel anything he feels. Regarding acting on feelings, talk to each other first. So whatever action is agreed on, it will not be a betrayal of the other.

If you learned this, if you agree that this is something important that you learned, then … you learned and there is no need or reason to feel badly anymore.

Accept what happened and how you feel about it and try to move on, wiser now for what you learned!

Do post anytime, about this matter and anything else.

anita

You are welcome, Racehlforlove, anytime!
anita