Hey Chris–

Your story really resonates with me because I felt like although I was loved as a child, I did not receive the important lessons about loving and accepting yourself. It’s hindsight that makes you realize how detrimental that can be to your self-confidence, which determines how your perceive the world.

This false personality that you portrayed when you were younger was the barrier that allowed you to hide your true desires–and it hindered your ability to felt truly loved. If you had put yourself out there–yes, that’s called being vulnerable– then you would have reaped the rewards. The rewards may not have been acceptance by others. But you would have had confidence knowing that you are who you are…If they don’t like you (and let’s be real it was grade-school, everyone has something to say about everyone) then that’s just their opinion.

It’s not that simple though. To assume it to be that way would be undermining your very feelings right now. And your feelings are justified.

You said that vulnerability is weakness. That’s what so many people grow up to believe. If you expose your true self and you have imperfections (the universal caveats that everyone hides), then you are seen as weak, less than, and not enough. Unfortunately, that idea leads men and women unstable and insecure. In fact, many people turn those insecurities into hate. Hate towards others that are weak, and hate towards themselves for ever feeling that way. You haven’t turned to hate, though. You aren’t at that point. Instead, you have decided to recognize this trait in you (the fear of vulnerability) is something that you can overcome. How do you get past it? By being vulnerable. Daring Greatly by Brene Brown is a fantastic book about this. You can also watch some Ted Talks by her to get the ideas flowing. Vulnerability is tough, Chris. It’s okay to be where you are.

You’ve battled an eating disorder. You’re a survivor. You mentally and physically worked through something that is easy to give into. Have confidence in knowing that you are on your way to a healthier you. And that’s enough.

Okay — So how do you find out who you really are?

Michael Singer (author of the Untethered Soul–please read this enlightening book) wrote:

“There is nothing more important to true growth than realizing that you are not the voice of the mind – you are the one who hears it.”

How many voices have you heard in your mind telling you that you are inadequate, not enough, misunderstood, unproductive, struggling, rejected,and unloved. Then you have the other voices that says that it’s okay, that you’re working towards something, that you need to stop worrying about others perceptions of you. There are a million different voices in your mind, and you interpret those voices are who you are.

Those voices aren’t you because of the simple fact that you hear them. You can tell yourself anything right now. It’s not the voices that matters.

He continues.

“People go through many changes in the name of “trying to find myself.” They want to discover which of these voices, which one of those aspects of their personality, is who they really are. The answer is simple: none of them.”

There is no need to resist that voices that are negative or demeaning. If you try to push it away, you are just giving it more energy –and inviting it to stay. So, then the way to live your life is by developing a perspective. That is, to be aware. Yoga and meditation take you there.

Singer writes that “the day you decide to be more interested in being aware of your thoughts than you are in the thoughts themselves – that is the day you will find your way out.”

I think you’re on your way. We all are.

Hey Chris,

Now is your time to go explore! Try out different hobbies, events, meet new people. When you start doing, you kind of start feeling what resonates/feels right for you. That’s what self-discovery is all about. Trust in yourself, you’ll find your way. 🙂

Lucia

Christopher,

As I read and digested your words, at first it seemed the heartfelt and skillful words of the others was enough. However, after reading a little more of your art, a few things came to heart that may help.

It seems part of the identity crisis you’re experiencing is this notion of “false self”. There isn’t such a thing. Sure, there are veils and personality traits that come forward when you meet up with experiences where you are uncomfortable, but that isn’t “not you” that is still really you, just uncomfortable and trying to adapt. When we don’t like ourselves sometimes we try to deny our actions, attributing it to some phantom being or “false” being.

The major setback of this is it sets us looking for a “real self” that also exists only as a phantom. Neither exist. Buddha (or perhaps a Buddhist teacher since, I don’t remember) said that we exist as our actions. “Christopher” as a momentum of actions sort of exists, but is also constantly changing. “Real self Christopher” only exists as a notion of the difference between who you have been and who you wish you have been.

Letting the pieces crumble is really beneficial for a few reasons. First, as you accept how all of us are born fundamentally ignorant of how to work with our mind and body, “mistakes”… or times when we act unskillfully because of delusion or painful emotion simply evaporate. Oooops, so what, we all do/have done the exact same thing as you, learning and struggling, waking to how to work and what to do next. Second, instead of seeking the idealized you, you can look at what was really there. “OK, so I was afraid that what I wanted to say would be rejected, so I was deceptive.” From that vantage, we can pull apart the cycles we have been stuck in by acting differently.

One of the Buddhist teachers said that we have tons of “selfs” inside our mind. Most of them lead to ensnarement in patterns of suffering. When we follow the eight fold path, it is like using the voice of self that clings to a raft which crosses the river, or clings to the door of the cage. After awhile, the door opens and we can step through, where we live and breathe from a heartfelt spontaneous vibration… or “living our dharma”. Then this notion of “who am I” just doesn’t arise in the mind… and neither does regret or confusion or whatever the patterns of behavior that lead to the veils and masks you donned, which left you feeling false and uncomfortable. He described that as “leaving no footprints in the mind.”

Namaste, brother!

With warmth,
Matt

Chris,

Thank you for sharing. I’m 24 and recently finished my master’s degree in a different country. My experiences there, with the ‘real’ world forced me into withdrawing within myself. I found myself so hurt by the lack of sensitivity in people that I cannot bring myself to connect with people anymore. What this lead to, was introspection into who I really am. I also noticed how my behaviour changed with other people and I acquired this different personality around them.

When I initially started reflecting on my behaviour, I noticed that every time I was not being myself, I would feel drained, empty, demotivated. As Sapnap and you said, the bit about drinking: I don’t enjoy alcohol too but whenever a friend rings up, I find myself planning nights out. Once I’ve kept the phone, I realize that I don’t really want to do this. It makes you feel like crap knowing that you are being someone who makes others happy and that with every action you are, in a way, denying your true self.

This is a process I’ve undertaken over the last few months and what helped me was creating a space where I could be genuine and true with myself. It involved spending quite some time isolated and in peace with myself. I’m trying to bring this person into all my conversations with others: it is not easy. I’m still making mistakes, but with every step I am being more and more genuine and vulnerable with others.

I finally realized that it is not my job to make others happy. Sure, I should be good but I don’t have to please everyone. I’ve loosened my hold on my relationships and now I let things take their course. This has changed my relationship with almost everyone around me; fewer people are around but I am happier and more peaceful. Now, when I have important work-related meetings, I find that I am not afraid as such. I don’t feel the pressure to please them or make them happy or to put on a false face. As I am comfortable and genuine and present, they start to feel the same.

Sorry I don’t have any media recommendations, just sharing my own ongoing experience 🙂 It takes great courage to be true to oneself. I’m still working on it too… Good luck!

Best,
N

PS: Matt, thank you for sharing some profound wisdom. What you said is true, that the self is constantly evolving. In this context, it has helped me look at my struggle in new light. I guess, with the ‘false’ and ‘real’ self debate, it is really just essential to be honest with yourself in the present moment and nothing more. I don’t think we’re seeking an Ideal self as much as honesty with our self, whoever we are in the present moment.