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February 3, 2014 at 3:21 am #50190LenneParticipant
Firstly, thanks to Lori for starting this forum (sub-forum?) – I have been lurking on this site for some months now and have been too shy to post…until now. Heh heh.
Anyway, I think “my truth” is that I simply don’t know what I want. I’m 22 years old, graduated uni last year and have been working part-time at a local business. As is to be expected for a young person who is about to enter the real world – well, I suppose I’m already there – people around me keep asking the inevitable questions: What career do you want? Why don’t you go back and study some more? What do you want to do with your life?
Every single day, I think about what I like and what I want out of life and every single day I come up with little. I enjoy drawing; I work hard to improve myself. I was thinking today of doing a part-time course at a local CIT, Cert IV in Visual Art, and even went out to the info session on impulse as soon as I read about it – but here I am several hours later still feeling indifferent, frustrated and stuck. The classes start next week, I could sign up – but I feel nothing but stress and anxiety and above all a lack of surety about whether I even truly want to do it or not. Plus I have to fill in for a co-worker from next week for 10 days – it’s a small business so all hands on deck – and suddenly running off to do this when my boss really needs someone (and there’s no one else who can do it) is irresponsible and careless. But even if I didn’t have this to consider, I wonder if I would still be making excuses not to sign up for the course.
I’m good at writing and even have a Bachelor of Arts with an English major (Distinction average to boot) and have considered getting a job involving some kind of writing, but I just have no enthusiasm to search. I made a few half-hearted attempts, looking through employment sites, but I just didn’t care. People keep asking me when I’m getting “a real job” and the only honest answer I can give (not that I ever say it out loud) is that I just don’t care, or perhaps don’t care enough.
It’s a bad attitude, but reading Lori’s post has made me want to be truthful with myself, even if people reading this laugh at me or are scornful. Maybe now that I’ve accepted this I can start to find a solution? I’m tired of feeling like this; I don’t want to waste my youth feeling miserable and indifferent.
February 3, 2014 at 9:33 am #50207AikiBenParticipantHi Lenne,
I can empathise with all that you have said and believe I can offer some helpful advice. I just created a blog the other week and my opening post (one paragraph long) addresses your problem about whether to do the course or not http://benwardzinski.blogspot.co.uk/2014/01/trial-and-error-to-find-your-purpose.html. What has happened is you started ANALYSING. Generally this messes everything up because it creates so much turmoil in your head you lack the clarity to see the best decision to make. So, learn to stop analysing. Your mind is capable of rationalising almost anything (even making immoral decisions in life sometimes), I’m sure you could argue logically either way whether to do your course or not, that’s why it’s no way to make a decision. Sure logical thinking has it’s place, but I find most of the time it creates a block.
When you just decide like you said “on impulse”, from what I’ve read and believe it is very important to follow this. You’ve simply blocked yourself by bringing in your thinking mind. This is one of the main purposes of meditation, to drop the thinking mind, which leads to a calm mind, and from a calm mind comes clarity – to see the right thing to do. As soon as you start analysing, and it’s so easy to do because it seems like what you need to do to come to a decision, but in fact the more analysing you do the further you move away from being in a good state to make the best decision. It’s one of those strange paradoxes. Those impulse decisions come from your subconcious mind (which is far more powerful than your conscious thinking mind). It has access to way more information than your thinking mind (and it’s quiet voice is very easily drwoned out by the noise created by the thinking mind), some would say it has access to higher wisdom also. The thing is, it is beyond your comprehension to work out all the causes and effects taking the course might have on your life, that if anything is justification enought not to base such decions on the thinking mind. For example, I read recently a commemmoration speech given by the late Steve Jobbs of Apple. In it he said how before he had found what he was looking and after just quitting his degree that he just decided to take classes that he felt interested in/drawn to, and one of these was calligraphy. He said, I paraphrase, “What practical use could calligraphy possibly be to me” (again logical mind), but he did it anyway. Later on his study of calligraphy had a major influence on his development of the typeface used in Apple computers. I’m not saying that this course could have such an impact on your own life but I hope you see the point I’m trying to make of the importance of following your gut.
I practice the martial art of Aikido (which means ‘the way to harmony with the universe’). The correct way to do technique reflects surprisingly accurately the way to live life. When you said, “Every single day, I think about what I like and what I want out of life and every single day I come up with little”, I used to do (and sometimes still do) just this. You’re really striving hard for the answers, and I’m betting it causes you a fair amount of frustration and suffering right, and gets you nowhere? It’s like you’re trying to force life, you want the answers, you want to know what to do now! Aikido teaches you to STOP STRIVING. Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean you should make no effort in life, the difference is subtle. Sometimes in Aikido someone comes to attack me and I throw them and it feels like I didn’t do anything, It’s almost effortless. I’ve been told at these times that this was because I did the technique correct (i.e. having the correct principles in mind and body). This is a direct reflection of how to live life. When you try too hard to throw someone it just doesn’t work, it creates resistance. If you try and try to work out what you should do it’s the same thing, it’s having a ‘fighting mind’, it’s trying to push life, it creates resistance. to quote Wayne Dyer, “you can’t solve a problem with the same mind that created it”. This is what I’ve been taught in Aikido. Most people, when they meet problems they crash imto them and burn a lot of energy trying to force it there way. In Aikido, when you meet a problem, you relax, the tougher the problem the more relaxed you become (again paradox). When you are relaxed you mind is calm which allows you to FEEL your way to the solution. It’s the way of non-resistance and it’s a whole lot easier than how most people deal with problems. The Way is soft and gentle and relaxed, you go with the flow. It’s not suffering and burning your energy up.
I can really empathise with you not really caring about getting a ‘real job’. I used to feel just that way. I had no idea what I wanted to do and would just be faking it if I tried to be enthusiasistic applying for most jobs. You sound like you’re kind of in ‘no man’s land’ at the moment’. With Aikido still in mind, I’d say embrace it, relax into it and accept it firstly. Second, make yourself positive, focus on the positives that your current situation and job gives. I think you are actually in a very good position. The fact that you do have a job gives you certain freedoms: money to start exploring what you feel like exploring. By the sounds of it your job isn’t too committing so you have the flexibility to move to something more fulfilling (if necessary) when the time comes. I think it is very important first though to drop any negativity about you current job by focusing on the positive in order to be able to stay positive so that you move forward positively. Otherwise you’ll lkely try to change your circumstances and just end up in a similar or worse situation. This will take time so will require much patience. There will also be times when you slip up so perseverance is also essential to dust yourself off and get back on track.
Good luck! Whatever you do keep going!
Ben.
February 3, 2014 at 9:55 am #50208MattParticipantBen,
I really enjoy your description of aikido, and agree that it holds true for other aspects of life. I wonder, though, if the effort to “stop striving” is much like shouting at an opponent “stop attacking” instead of bending our flow to move back into harmony. For instance, if we place our hand on a hot stove, the striving is instinctual and immediate. So we fling back our arm, and our elbow gets cut on a knife. Then we spin from the elbow and smack our head on the cabinet door and so on. Problem to problem, bouncing with reaction in a slapstick-esque comedy of bruises and swearing.
In the bigger picture, such as our life path, striving is the same. Its part of the information, the force that we bend toward the cause to set it flying. We don’t strive for no reason, we strive when something is out of balance. Instead of standing resolute in mind, such as “I will be in harmony, I will not strive”, we can notice the striving, find the need, and meet that need with accuracy and fluidity… instead of restlessness.
With warmth,
MattFebruary 3, 2014 at 10:14 am #50211MattParticipantLenne,
I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand why you are feeling unsettled. There are many choices, competing needs, pressures from other people, and so on, and they compact and fill up our brain with what ifs. Dear friend, that is where to focus your energy, your attention. A few things came.to heart as I read your words.
Consider that with all the chaos happening around you, it is very normal and natural to feel unsafe… a restlessness to be elsewhere. But consider that you have a lot of great things going for you. You’re compassionate, have working sense organs, muscles, intelligence, and so forth. You have many years ahead of you to dance and explore, the illusion that it all needs to be worked out now is a paper tiger. Apart from not knowing what to do next, do you like what you do? Then do it some more! If you don’t, look around and find something that sparkles (and if it also benefits others, even better) and jump. There’s no need to be afraid, you’re clearly really smart. You’ll find your way.
Consider that when we get “sucked into” a situation (such as other peoples expectations, our fear of failure and so on) it becomes much harder to find our way, because we’re taking into account things that don’t matter. Your friend, who says “get a real job”, for instance, need have no bearing on your decisions… so letting that voice add layers to your confusion is silly. That doesn’t sound like love to me, not like grace… so abandon it!
Simply by getting back to the feeling safety, of patience with yourself, gentleness for yourself. Let the friends poke be about her. You’re smart, caring, and will figure it out as you keep exploring. Don’t let their impatience push you… they’re your steps, your canvas to paint.
With warmth,
MattFebruary 3, 2014 at 8:40 pm #50248Sonia FriedrichParticipantHi Lenne
It’s timely that you post this. My partner and I were with her niece over the weekend and she is in a similar situation to yourself. What we also realise is that despite all the education, the system doesn’t prepare you for life. For those important decisions that feed your soul. If you need I am happy to help.
Each of us has a yearning of our soul. It is our deepest driving desire that connects us with our destiny. It is not what your mum, dad, family, school, work, friends or anyone else said. It is hidden within you. Unlike myself where it has taken me until my 40’s to uncover it and 10 years to leave a corporate career to follow it, I wish all students were taught how to tap into this. You have a gift to offer the world. It will be shaped and moulded by your life experiences along the way. Anything that doesn’t feel right, isn’t. Trust your intuition as it is always right. Spend time each day to notice this and follow it. It is your inner guidance system letting you know what is right and wrong for you. Some call it that feeling of splintering. When you feel like you are breaking apart because the choices others want you to follow don’t fit. You feel pulled in two and simply know this isn’t how it is meant to be.The more you follow this, the more you are pulled off centre.
I also know that if you make a choice and then realise it isn’t working for you, you do not have to stick it out. I now see this as ignorant self-abuse or intimidation from others. You are an adult and the choices you now make you are entirely your responsibility.
Your life is to be in flow, joy filled and give you life force.From today and everyday. If it depletes you then something is wrong. This may require healing or a process to uncover you deep desires for you to become all of who you are. I can help with some of this. If you’d like to know more feel free to send me an e-mail soniafriedrich@virginbroadband.com.au. You may also like to take a peek at the Precious Gems and other ideas I post on FB http://www.facebook.com/followsonia that give snippets of wisdom for people to practice each day. You are worthy of everything you desire and wish to be.
May you become all of who you are.
Most importantly be kind and gentle to yourself.
with loveSonia
February 4, 2014 at 4:44 am #50264AikiBenParticipantHi Matt,
I perhaps didn’t emphasise enough the subtlety I’m getting at. I’m trying to draw a distinction between striving/fighting which casues suffering and inner turmoil versus making effort. It’s not about “I must be in harmony”, it’s about the way you approach life and situations. Your description of bending to the flow of an attacker is quite an accurate description. In Aikido we blend with the incoming energy (i.e. acceptance) and then lead it away to the most mutually benefical end possible. Just as in life, when you have circumstances you don’t like it first requires some level of acceptance of the situation in order to allow you to proceed positively and subsequently achieve a positive outcome. If on the other hand you are in a situation you don’t like such as a job and you resist instead and are thinking about how much you hate it etc, this creates such inner resistance that it makes it much more difficult to move forward in the best way, i.e. it stops you from being open and positive (so you are more receptive to new opportunities), everything just becomes a struggle, that’s what I mean by striving here.
Your example of burning yourself on the stove, you have a reflex response to move your arm away, that isn’t striving in the sense that I mean, I’m talking as I said about the way you approach life.
When you talk about ‘striving as a part of the life ‘path’, I agree that recognising that something is out of balance or certain of your needs are not getting met and then being assertive in order to get them met is important. This doesn’t conflict with what I’m talking about. Again, it’s about the approach. It’s about working with life rather than against the flow of it. So, you recongnise that something is out of sink and then set about changing it, but you do so calmy and positively to achieve the best possible outcome rather than just getting angry and upset and saying to yourself it shouldn’t be this way. Saying “I will be in harmony!” is just resistance not acceptance. But pf course you are still aiming for harmony. What I’m getting at is aptly summed up by the song “Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream”. You are actively partaking in discovering yourself, in rowing down the stream of life, but you do so gently, not exhausting yourself rowing as fast as you can and getting all stressed out in the process trying to get to a more pleasent part of the stream.
On a last note, I met a woman recently (late middle age, middle-eastern) who was working at reception late one evening and I was really taken aback by her when she dealt with me. There were a number of reasons for this: she had no rush about her, she just went about my request so calmly and yet very efficiently, there was no inner conflict about her. She wasn’t all beaming smiles, it was much more effortless than that, just at peace with herself and everything around her, I could feel it. I was taken aback because it was so untypical of how most people are, to truly feel that someone has no rush about them, it’s hard for me to get all the meaning across just saying that. Essentially there was no striving about her, she wasn’t after anything. I told her and asked her about it and she said to me that “Life is actually very easy, it’s just that we make it difficult”. It’s like she just knew intuitively not to strive. I think perhaps what I’m ultimately saying is that trying to change your circumstances to become more happy is not the answer. Happiness comes from within (as we hear all the time but I think it is not understood). By all means try to change your circumstances for the better but don’t make this mean ‘I can’t be happy until I have done so’, you read about people doing this all the time, e.g. dream job, etc, they get it and find there’s still something missing. Isn’t this what the Buddha taught, that trying to get rid of all the unpleasent things from your life and have more pleasent things, people, etc in your life with the aim of becoming happier this way just causes suffering, it’s grasping, instead drop the judgement, accept.
February 4, 2014 at 8:37 am #50270MattParticipantBen,
I don’t disagree, per say, with your philosophy… just its application. If a lioness came upon you, with a thorn in her paw and roaring with pain, it would perhaps be one approach to teach how not to roar, to be peaceful with painfulness. It would perhaps be another to accept the roaring, let it pass through us, and bring attention to the thorn.
The roaring isn’t the cause, its a result. The pain isnt the cause, its a result. We can aim for the cause, instead of saying “the result is not needed” or “be peaceful with pain”. Said differently, the striving, roaring, pain is harmony in bloom, when a thorn is in the paw. Its just that aspect of harmony is painful, unneeded, and so we notice it, find the thorn, pull it out, and move on.
Perhaps the root is that I don’t see us as ever being out of harmony… that feels more like human pride, thinking ourselves above nature, controlling it, rather than a participant within it.
Namaste, Ben, this isn’t meant as a contradiction to your ideas. 🙂
Lenne, namaste, sorry for the thread derailment.
With warmth,
MattFebruary 5, 2014 at 6:26 pm #50382LenneParticipantThank you so much, Ben! There is so much wisdom and usefulness in your response and it’s helping me change how I think already – I especially like the Steve Jobs quote.
You’ve made me see that I’m starting to get on the right track; I just have to keep following my intuition. Easier said than done, but I’m getting there.
Thanks again for taking the time to read this and give such a great response :)))
February 5, 2014 at 6:29 pm #50383LenneParticipantThank you very much, Matt. Your personification of the issue as a “paper tiger” is really interesting. Do you mean it’s something that simply looks threatening (hence tiger) but in reality cannot really do you any or much harm (hence paper)? I think it’s a good way to think about it and will definitely keep it in mind.
Thank you again for reading this and offering your guidance 🙂
February 5, 2014 at 6:36 pm #50384LenneParticipantThanks, Sonia! I hope your niece finds her way soon; being young is not always easy….
I know what you mean by the feeling of “splintering”: I think part of it is occuring because I’m slowly, slowly starting to get a sense of what I want out of life but all these other factors you have mentioned such as parents, etc. pull me in a different direction. I also really love your comment about “ignorant self-abuse or intimidation from others”. Sometimes it just feels so selfish and egotistical to do what you really want but I suppose it comes back to that issue of outside influences: it feels wrong to do what you want when everyone else wants you to do something else. The key is to focus on your desires and stick to them and I shall certainly try.
Thanks again so much for taking the time to read and respond. I’m already starting to feel better 🙂
February 5, 2014 at 6:37 pm #50385LenneParticipantHa ha, don’t worry about it – it’s a forum, that’s what happens 🙂
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