I don't know anymore, to be honest

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 9 months, 2 weeks ago.

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    Please, forgive my english for it is not my native language.

    I don't really know where te begin, so I thought I would start with this.

    These past few months have been really weird sometimes. I thought I was depressed, there were moments I caught myself thinking: “What would happen If I was gone? Would anybody miss me?”  I was feeling numb at the end of 2016, like being pressed down by some kind of… force?  to be quite honest? It scared me. I talked about it with friends, and they stated: You need to get help. So I finally did. About four weeks ago, I started therapy. There was a waiting list for a few weeks, in that time I often contemplated about life. I started to look back on things and on myself. So, let me tell you all a story and the question: What am I? Am I on the right path with this?

    After my parent's divorce, I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS, It falls somewhere on the autism spectrum. My dad took me apart one afternoon, when I came back from school, and told me this. I just kinda shrugged and thought: “Oh, I guess it explains something about me?” Then I went one with my life. I was sensitive to sounds, for example, I would start to cry really loud whenever they wanted to renovate something in the house. Both my parents told me I was afraid of certain Items. As a little one, I would circle the table and stare up att the walls in the livingroom. There was this really big stationclock, and I would stare at it, terrified and silent, just circling the table. I can't really remember this, I must have been about two years old a the time.

    I have had some weird…things in my life. My mothers side of the family was peculiar. One uncle had drugproblems, but couldn't do wrong in the eyes of my grandparents. One of my aunts had a son, he was about 1,5 years older then me, he was…odd. He grew up, and became a wifebeater. I also have a history with him. There are more things that are kinda off about that side. Anyway, back to the weird things. I don't know if any of you really believe in the paranomal.

    But I remember hearing my name being called as a little kid, must have been about 5 or 6. Just watching television, then clear as day, a female voice (I think sometimes there were more?) called my name. Not loud or agressive, quite gentle on the contrary. I asked my mother about this, she looked confused and said: “No, I did not call you.” This is just one example.

    My dad told me this evening, while visiting him, that I was a child that could be quite difficult sometimes. I was stubborn, wouldn't accept a time out, although they didn't really punished me anyway like alot of other kids my age back then. I didn't want to play outside until I was about 10, I always like to be on my own. Still do, although I do love my friends and even have one living near me with whom I like to spend time with. (She lives like…2 minutes walking distance from my place, I think.) I was the only girl in my class that liked playing (or was allowed to) videogames. I liked writing, still do btw, from the age of 8. I guess I just felt really alone? Sometimes I still do. Perhaps that's why this story is getting longer then it should be? Forgive me.

    I would often wander around the playground on my own, from ages 9 to 13. Then I went to a different school. From that time on, with everything combined from a mother that wasn't really there for me, being bullied and feeling really awkward about alot of things. (for example, my mother would talk to me about her relationship with this dude I didn't really like, when i was just a wee teen. asking me for advice.)

    Now I have hit 25 and I….while the doubting started. I doubted my itenlligence, feeling really stupid. (Still do sometimes.) I thought I wasn't usefull to anyone, thought I failed at live in general. There is alot more, but I feel this post is getting long enough as it is. Thank you, kind Internetstranger, for taking the time to read my story. I just felt like reaching out to others beside my friends.









    Hi. I’m sure you’ll receive many more helpful replies and comments but I seem to resonate a lot with this post.

    Although my situation I seem to go on bouts of sadness and happiness, a roller coaster I’ve been on since I was a child. I have noticed that when I take the time to self-help (read this amazing blog is one of them) but also meditating. I had never done it before and felt weird when I started.. but when I did it every morning before getting out of bed and thought positive affirmations and “law of attraction” mindset on my way to work I always had a better day. When I get in my low moments I always remember how much that helped me and realized when I stopped doing those things my bad moments always started again.

    Theres also things I did as a child that made me happy that I lost along the way of getting older. Making art, being in nature, reading, writing, singing even. When I do these little things I start to feel better and more positive about my future. Idk if it’s the childlike mindset that I miss but it helps.

    Getting to know yourself and know that having these feelings is normal for some people, it’s just letting those thoughts pass by and not conform into them. I don’t know if this is of any help, but hope you’ll find what you’re looking for. <3



    Dear BeatifullSerpent:

    It is very possible that you were very scared as a young child, as children often are, and there was no one to comfort you, to calm you down, to explain things to you. You wrote about your mother: “mother that wasn’t really there for me”.

    Doesn't this mean that she wasn't there for you when you were scared?

    As children we need to feel safe. When there is no one to make us feel safe and we are scared for a long time, we grow up fearful, anxious. Anxiety limits us, limit our intelligence, our ability to pay attention, our ability to form intimate relationships, our ability to function well and our motivation.

    I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.


    • This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
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