Hi Norma,

I totally understand how you are feeling, I feel it myself.

I am a little older, 35 and my children a little younger, 6 + 10, but I feel as though everything I do, is for everyone else and to meet others expectations.
I have a fabulous boyfriend, my kids are great and things look wonderful from the outside, I feel like I should be happy, and wonder what is wrong with me that I can’t be happy with all i have.
I’ve had years of counselling, and got to a point where he (my councillor) asked ‘why I am still going, I have all the answers and can rationalise everything’, so I stopped going. But things are no better.

I am often told to take time out and do what makes you happy, great idea, but I also don’t know what makes me happy.
I don’t know where I want to be, or how to get there. My ‘dreams’ are unrealistic considering the choices i have made. ie travelling

I think we expect a lot, of ourselves and others, and are so scared of getting things wrong, so we grip so tightly that we don’t see (or worse, DO see) we are strangling everything and everyone we hold dear.

Having said that, I’ve no idea how to ‘fix’ us. I’m, also hoping, someone may have the answers….

But you are not alone.

Hi Norma,

Is it possible that you have read SO much about being happy and therapy and meditation but you haven’t put much into action? I’m a big reader, which is why I ask. You’ve been thinking about meditation, but doesn’t sound like you’ve tried it really. It doesn’t take a lot. Start with 5-10 minutes. You can just stick with that for months! Heck, years if that’s all you have time for! I prefer 20-30 minutes, but I can’t manage that every day. You don’t need to change your mindset in order to meditate. Meditation does that gradually, naturally. And all those books you’ve read, start to make more sense. As you keep meditating, you may want to reread the books to deepen your practice. But DON’T read them all before you actually start meditating. JUST START.

I don’t have kids, so I have no idea what time obligations you have or if you work during the day, etc. Most local colleges, though, have classes you can take for fun. Some are during the day, some are at night, some weekends. I really recommend taking a painting class (or maybe draw? pottery?). Painting gets you out of your head, which I think you’d benefit from. Even if you suck at it (especially if you suck at it) 🙂 It also might provide a break from your daily routine and obligations. If you are looking for activity buddies, maybe join meetup.com. They have a lot of mom groups, or walking groups, or hiking, book clubs, whatever you are interested in. At least it will get you trying new things.

Make a list of things you’ve never tried before that you think would be exciting to try, even if you are bad at it. Maybe once a month, you can try something new. Ice Skating? Indoor rock climbing? Surfing lesson? Flat water kayak? Meditation group? Yoga? Maybe do some with your family, some with just you and your husband, and some by yourself. I think the activities by yourself are important since it sounds like you’ve lost sight of who you are. Push your boundaries though. Try things that kind of intimidate you. And don’t over think them!

Hi Norma , you sound very unhappy with life , maybe even depressed from the tone of your post . I thought it a bit odd that you used the word ‘control’ about how you deal with your family and then you say someone told you that you run your family like a business . Maybe there is some truth to that . Maybe you need to ‘control’ them because you have so little ‘control’ of yourself . You seem stuck in this position sort of like a caged animal whether you agreed to it or not or like life just simply took it’s course .
I am not here to tell you what to do but maybe if you loosen the reigns of your family (esp now that the kids are older ) and you try to regain some Control into Your very own life things may change . Try to let the family be . And try to inject some fun into your own life . We all have passions / talents in life whether we are aware of them or not . Try to (re/)discover them . Even just shake up your routine . Sounds ridiculously simple but it works. Train and expand your mind to think differently . Try to get off the bed . Take small steps first this will retrain your brain and give you a sense of accomplishment once you have done it .
Therapy is all fine and dandy but that’s only if you find a Good therapist you mesh with . There are plenty of terrible therapists out there . Medication again , should only be for the severely debilitated and even then it can only help so much.
We are our own worst enemies but we can also be our own best friends in the sense that we can pull ourselves out off utter despair (I have been there many times) . It will not be easy but it will be well worth it and make you that much stronger .
Best of Luck
Peace 🙂

Hi Norma,

It sounds like you feel like you are going through the motions of life for the sake of it, rather than for you. Happiness often comes in activities we do that put us in a state of “flow”. You know – when you get so caught up in what you are doing that you lose track of time. You think 20 mins have gone by, but you check the time and you’ve been having fun for 2 hours.

Do you have any hobbies? Are there any things you do just for you? If you can’t think of things that you are doing right now for yourself, a good tactic is to recall things you used to do as a child. Things like drawing, bike riding, walking/exploring, crafting, baking etc. If you can, perhaps harp back to your childhood and pick an activity from then you that you previously enjoyed. Give it a go again, and see if it still lights you up. Keep trying different activities that give you a bit of spark back.

Cheers 🙂

Anna

Norma,
My experience is that our children learn by example. They look at their parents to see how to behave.
I have a daughter who grew up with her mother who is/was controlling.
Guess what? She only knows how to have relationships with guys who are controlling.
He cannot have her out of his sight. She felt she had to be texting him while she was at her grandmother’s funeral.
She cannot be just with her family without feeling the need to respond to his phone calls and texts every 5 minutes (no exaggeration).
She wants to be with me and her brother but really cannot because she feels she has to answer to her controlling boyfriend.

I hope that helps you get some insight on the potential consequences.

Metta,
Mark

Hi Norma. First off, you aren’t alone! I felt very similar for most of my life. While it may not be true in your situation, for me, I discovered that I was focusing so much on the needs of others as a cover for my own lack of beleif in myself.
In short, after much work on building self-esteem, i discovered a tremendous power and energy for life I hadn’t ever known before. I know man people who’s personal identities are formed around providing for others, but their own sense of self-worth is quite low.
Low self-esteem causes all of the symptoms you described and they are the same things i experienced for years without end.
Finally, after hitting rock-bottom I began to study strategies of how to build self-esteem. It’s amazing, but everything fell into place from that.
Self-esteem is the core of everything we do. The one thing the most successful people in the world share isn’t just that they have big ideas, it’s that they have a rock-solid belief in their ability to achieve their goals – whatever they may be!
Wishing you tremendous success and joy in discovering how awesome and amazing your are Norma! I would say, time to invest in yourself in every way…you deserve it!!