Hi there,

I’m a 41 year old man from the UK. I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful woman for a year now. We have a whole lot in common and life together has on the whole been a really enriching experience. She’s brought out an awful lot in me that I cherish, helped me to calm down some poor social habits (too much socializing, an inconstructive relationship with alcohol,  not prioritizing valuable friendships rather than fleeting ones), allowed me to deepen my spiritual practice and introduced me to a lot of interesting avenues of enquiry. I love her. I think, to the best of my ability as a somewhat emotionally unintelligent man, that we are in love and she offers me an awful lot of hope for the future.

At the same time, there have been great rafts of pain, suffering and heartache for both of us. A lot of it is based in her mental and emotional wellbeing, or lack thereof. I’m sorry if I express anything insensitively or incorrectly. There is a huge gulf in our respective emotional intelligences. Defining, framing and communicating about these matters is a struggle for me. I think it would be for anyone, but this is my longest relationship (1 year), I have previously really struggled to make connections with people due to very emotionally withdrawn parents and moving around quite a bit as a youngster, so I have had to try to step up to the plate on those fronts a lot, not to mention the complicated nature of the conditions in play, which are, largely I would say, the domain of a professional.

She suffers from Generalised Anxiety Disorder and, I, my therapist and, she to a large extent herself, believe, PTSD, due to having a neglectful alcoholic father and a mother who was emotionally absent, despite tending to her and her sisters’ basic needs. Our therapist also believes it probably goes back to emotional absence at the very early stages of child rearing. We are open to this idea but as yet uncommitted (we’ve been getting counselling (she has had many attempts in the past) for about three months (separately, though with the same woman)).

The anxiety takes the form of relationship anxiety, health anxiety and social anxiety in the main. To deal with each, as much as is possible (I could go on for a long time)…

Relationship anxiety- she has very low self esteem, finds it hard to receive or believe  compliments and feel valued in my eyes or her own eyes. She feels insecure in my opinion of her physically and emotionally and fears rejections SO much that it frequently (on average every 2 or 3 weeks) leads to an event where she simply cannot control her fear of being left or abandoned for one reason or another and this results in long bouts of crying, screaming and abuse towards me. She calls it ‘blind anger’, says it rarely happened before me and she always feels regretful and remorseful afterwards. We usually talk and things get a little better, with longer time periods between bouts.

We have worked on these events and sought therapy and addressed her triggers. They are lessening and things are improving. I’m getting better at recognizing what I’ve done (so often innocuous to me but she is hyper hyper vigilant, I’m more and more aware of that), though it is usually very little- I’m a very placid and nonconfrontational person, patient and gentle. Our therapist has identified that the strength of our relationship and how right I am for her has probably opened up deep trauma for her. Basically the fear of losing me translates to the fear of being abandoned as she was in the past. Fundamentally her whole psychological security is at stake and that makes her lose control when it is threatened. Those are the theories at least, but I think they have weight and are borne out by what is happening.

Our therapist has also explained to me how the void created during these moments of abandonment can be total, all consuming and utterly petrifying- the person ultimately does not exist in these moments- it’s far worse than anxiety, it’s something else entirely- something most of us could never really relate to. Again, a theory, but borne out by events. Needless to say that is utterly shocking for me and I’m aware the extent of the stakes of my actions. It is inevitable that I will make mistakes in how I speak sometimes though, or my tendencies towards suggesting time I’d like to spend away from her sometimes- it’s obviously healthy in relationships to have our own pursuits and she recognizes that- but those times are really hard for her. It’s taken a while for me to really understand this and I want to work on it- the crux is that she needs to be able to plan her time when I’m not there so that she is occupied or with someone, perhaps virtually by talking to a friend on the phone, or in person (difficult, as I will explain). Recently we’ve found that planning time, especially at weekends, doesn’t work so organically like that. Recent pain has been a result of my wish to do something on my own at short notice (or even simply suggest something that may or may not happen), which I’m beginning to realise is obviously off the cards, for the time being at least. I’m aware we need to work hard on our planning to get the balance of our needs right, and she recognizes that too. It is the main issues in play for us at the moment I would say. Very difficult and out of the ordinary, and I have recently paid a high price for small failings of expression that have triggered her into major distress. I recently responded, smashed my phone and upturned a table- the most outwardly frustrated I have become about anything, maybe in my whole life. I would never under any circumstances be violent towards her or anyone though. The way these events unfold is that her anxiety begins to pick and pick away at me and not let me go, demanding answers to unanswerable questions to try and pacify herself, even though that is unachievable. I try to keep calm but I am often goaded into saying things I don’t mean, which are then fuel to the fire. She would agree with this analysis, I’m not being self-serving really.

Social Anxiety- To mention that after 6 months of the relationship she moved an hour from where she lived to live in my town and this past month we have trialled living under the same roof, which has been really nice largely (our therapist suggests it may calm down some of her anxieties and I think it has), save a couple of painful spikes in difficulty: the last two weekends we’ve lost a whole day to upset and pain based on small, unintentional verbal faux pases on my part which have set her off.

Furthermore, she is three hours from her main supports- her sisters- very strong people who have their own history with mental health for similar reasons to my partner.  She is doing a PHD- every day is painful for her because she suffers from IBS and various other pains which are exacerbated whenever she needs to study- she is really dragging herself to the end of the process in 4 hour blocks, and doing amazing work, but it’s hard and she’s not working (she’s spending her savings quite quickly too). Therefore, particularly as she/we doesn’t really socialize in public, she really lacks support or an outlet beyond me. She doesn’t have friends here yet, which obviously means she doesn’t have the opportunity to hang out with others. This is an imbalance. I’m a very self sufficient person, having been single for a long time, and so is she to some extent, but, when I’m not at work, it’s hard for her to accept that I’m not with her. We have worked on giving me time doing other things, and worked on socializing in small COVID safe groups, but my social networks are fragmented and it’s hard to bend these things to suit sometimes. We’re getting there, but there’s no doubt that we both feel a bit isolated and in need of company. The pressure on us both is quite a lot.

She doesn’t like to mix with people in groups bigger than 4 or 5 I would say and feels she needs to get to know people in one to one scenarios. I’m the other way around and happy to meet groups and strangers, having previously spent a lot of time in bars and pubs. I’ve reigned in my socializing completely, stopped drinking all together, and that has been fulfilling, but there is still a need to make new friends, and that has been hampered. Ideally going out hiking or board game nights, small dinner parties, movie nights, these are her preferred method of contact at the moment.

Health Anxiety- Since COVID this has become very very heightened to the point that, having previously been outgoing and gregarious, she now utterly limits herself in terms of contact with people indoors. She will go and see her family, and meet with two or three people indoors, and go to the shops, but larger events (group events, bars, pubs, concerts, shows etc.) are completely off limits for her basically. Initially she suggested that it was just until the end of her studies and then she would return to ‘regular’ life. Her sister has long COVID and she is unwilling to potentially inflict it upon herself and ruin her finishing her PHD. I absolutely accepted that. I believe, once she hands in her paper and finishes, that she will not return to life as ‘normal’, and that the health anxiety is set in beyond the life of the PHD. I worry she won’t be able to find a job that suits her needs. I can accept it and have adapted, but going to concerts and comedy shows and community events and hanging with friends in public is a hard thing to completely remove from your life. She went to a bar for the first time last week and we cased the joint and made sure it was quiet and we sat apart from everyone and it was fine. She is pushing at the boundaries and also frustrated by how the pandemic has blindsided her. I think she’d like to get back into the swing publicly, but it’s probably going to be a longer road. It’s really hard, though. Just another layer of complexity.

Since we’ve been together she has also had significant moments of crippling fear: she found a lump in her breast which turned out to be benign cysts, but it confined her to her bed for a week. She could barely move or eat and didn’t wash because she didn’t want to touch yourself. She was petrified it was cancer. She started to notice some blood in her urine, which turned out to be breakthrough bleeding, but she had to have multiple tests at the doctor which disrupted our holiday away together. It was a major source of dismay for her.

I guess I should stop there. I’ll redress the balance somewhat by returning to how wonderful she is on so many levels, and how resilient she is in the face of these traumas- she’s very very strong. She has two Masters and a (soon to be) PHD and has travelled the world, so her past, I don’t think involves this degree of struggle, but I seem to have brought something on with the advent of the relationship. She adores me to distraction, and I her. But it appears to be some kind of poisoned chalice. The idea of not being with me is unbearable to the point that it brings out ALL her darkest fears when it’s threatened or the idea that she might have to be alone unexpectedly looms… and those fears are considerable in number and very powerful.

I’m writing this, I guess, because it is so hard and I hoped that there might be others out there with comparable experiences who could share some wisdom or may be further down the line and have some ideas of how things might unfold. Our therapist has been realistic with us about how long having an impact on these kind of deep-seated mental health issues can take.

How do you love someone who is (I’m sorry to say it, but she uses the term herself frequently) so broken, and protect and allow yourself to flourish? If you are out there and dealing with similar things, I wanna express my admiration for you and send you love and strength. I doubt myself continuously, blame myself and think how if I’d just acted differently I could have saved so much pain, but I know in my heart of hearts I’m doing my best, and she knows it too and is really grateful.

Almost every day there is something low level upsetting, if not major. Yesterday she told me all the intrusive thoughts came back because I didn’t return my arm around her when sleeping and she felt unloved. This morning she recounted a number of inocuous references to other women which she felt were always with her when we had sex and made her feel that I was always thinking about them- plainly so untrue, but clearly these things can never be undone and the past lives with her in the most minute details all the time. Therefore, I become so nervous about adjusting my conduct and actually seem to make more mistake because of that.

It’s so, so hard. Every time we have a major incident I feel weak and want to end things. A couple of days later I’m usually okay and ready to begin again and we talk, but the scars are there obviously and I wonder whether the next time will be the time that I break. She has told me she feels worthless at times and wants to end her life. A couple of times she has threatened to harm herself if I walk out of the door. She always apologises later and I don’t truly feel she is an active suicide risk from day to day. But I know if I left it would decimate her… and me. I would go on much more easily though- rejection is at the core of everything that she can’t take. I have horrible positive feelings sometimes about the relief I would get from it coming to an end. If I knew she would be okay, even in the relatively short term, I think I would end things. I’m so scared to be alone again, but I think I would cope. I’m even more scared of the impact on her.

Today we went to look at a house with a view to move in together because her lease ends in March. It’s a big step obviously. I feel so unsure of what we both might be getting into.

I need hope that things will get better, but I don’t know if I feel it or it’s possible. I try to encourage her to think positively but even that seems something she can’t commit to. I really believe that belief is the bedrock of recovery, but I also know that it’s foolhardy to try and preach and usurp the work of our therapist.

I don’t want to give up but it’s heart wrenching. I’d like to feel I have some kind of barometer for where we are on this road, what we could be doing to navigate it, what’s best for her and me…

Many thanks if you’ve made it this far. And lots of love to you.