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I don't know if I want to go on a trip with my bf

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • July 16, 2015 at 10:40 am #79956
    micro14
    Participant

    I would really appreciate some advice, as I am very torn. I have been dating my bf for 8 months. In those 8 months, we have had some rocky times, including two big vacations where he freaked out and told me he was leaving me or that he wanted to commit suicide. I was devastated and shocked, and had no idea how to handle it. At home he is typically very mild mannered and calm (though when he drinks he can be pretty dramatic), but it seems like he freaks out during times of stress. I personally love to travel and spend a great deal of time thinking/planning about my next trip. I planned to go on a two week european vacation with him a couple of months ago and bought the tickets using my miles and money. Since that point, he has had a freakout while drinking and ‘broken up with me’, then the next day said he doesn’t want that (very emotionally stressful for me because I have a fear of abandonment), and he had a meltdown during a recent vacation where he threatened to commit suicide (also extremely stressful because I felt like it was coming out of left field). I realize that we are both pretty codependent and don’t really have a very healthy relationship, even though we both want that. We talk (sometimes overtalk) about issues and we’re both in therapy and I feel like we have made some progress, but after the recent vacation I am very unsure about going out of the country for two weeks with him. I have a girlfriend who said she would go with me in his place, would I be completely unjustified/wrong to cancel his ticket and take my friend instead? I have already ran the idea by him and he is extremely upset, saying he would never do something like that and threatening our relationship again (like he doesn’t think he’ll ever forgive me or get past this, etc.). I am trying to be understanding to his side, but I know I will be very anxious up to and during this trip if I go with him. I guess I’m asking am I doing the right thing?

    July 16, 2015 at 11:34 am #79958
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear micro14:

    Your question is too easy to answer. The thing is, if you do the wrong thing and go on the vacation with him, for a short while he will be happy with you for choosing to take him and you will feel GOOD about it. If you do the right thing and cancel his ticket, he will continue to be upset with you and you will feel badly about it. The real question, as I see it, is are you willing to feel badly for doing the right thing for you?

    anita

    July 16, 2015 at 12:42 pm #79960
    micro14
    Participant

    Hi Anita, Thank you for your response! You are right, I think I knew it all along, and you verbalized it perfectly. I just need to own my decision that’s best for me, and be able to sit with those bad feelings. Well…I just told him my decision was final, and he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. He is so angry and said I chose to end this because he gave me an ultimatum: go without him and we’re done. Ugh, this is really terrible pain…

    July 16, 2015 at 2:05 pm #79962
    Adam P
    Participant

    Hello micro14,

    My sympathies to you and your bf. After reading your story, it’s good to see you and your boyfriend are going to therapy and right now that’s the best “vacation” for the two of you because you can already see the viscous cycle forming when it comes time for a new vacation and your boyfriend tells you he won’t behave like that anymore and surprise….the same drama and frustration on vacation. Don’t feel bad about going on vacation with one your friends instead of your bf and enjoy your trip to Europe. One suggestion to you would be to sit down with him before you leave for Europe and assure him that there will be other trips to Europe, Caribbean, etc. and that you are looking forward to sharing new memories with him. Ask him as well when you go on vacation if there’s is anything he would like over there. As well keep in contact with him and along with anything he mentioned as a gift, go the extra mile and bring back a surprise for him. That way he won’t feel abandoned by you and he’ll feel excited for your return. (Since you mentioned he was suicidal, you know him better than us so it’s difficult to give the best advice since he could act out even when you are on vacation).

    All the best to you and have a safe and enjoyable vacation to Europe.
    Take Care
    Thank You

    July 17, 2015 at 5:37 am #79993
    micro14
    Participant

    Hey Adam P, Thanks for replying, I appreciate your suggestions. I would have done all you have suggested but my boyfriend freaked out and broke up with me for my decision. Is it very wrong that I initially planned the trip with him and changed my mind? He says that’s a dealbreaker. He says I know that if I decide to go without him then we’re done, so my decision to go without him means I’m choosing to end things…I feel like he’s manipulating me or strongarming me to do what he wants! Is there any way to compromise or are we at an impasse and I should just give up? I love him so much.

    July 17, 2015 at 7:58 am #79999
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear micro14:

    You wrote at the top that you like to PLAN trips. later you wrote to me that you agree with my input that the right decision for you involves you feeling badly (following his response to your right decision). I was just thinking that you may need to PLAN how you deal with these expected bad feelings so that you can adhere to the right decision for you. Planning is important, isn’t it? Can make a huge difference in the execution of a trip to Europe- or the execution of anything else.

    If you let the turbalance in your brain hijack you, take you places you do not want to go to (giving in to his manipulations)- then how do you not go to those places, or move yourself away from those places?

    How important it is, I am thinking as I type this, to travel RIGHT in our own brains… instead of changing your decision so to stop the bad feelings in you, maybe you can re-focus your brain on the correct thoughts (the thoughts that fit reality), re-focus as in meditation (on breath, on sounds, so you dis-engage your brain from the distressing activity)?

    anita

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