Dear PuChop:

You shared that you grew up in “a very dysfunctional family that skewed what is or isn’t normal“. As a result, you were “so stupid…. extremely naive and lonely” that you unknowingly worked for, and was abused by “manipulative and violent” employers (and by customers, a few of whom became part of your social group): “Everyone around me knew what was going on behind the scenes except me, and no one ever told me. I would have quit on the spot a long time ago with no remorse or guilt if I had“.

When you eventually found out what was going on behind the scenes, at the time that the pandemic started, you cut contact with those manipulative and violent employers, “disappearing on them… blocked their numbers“.

Ever since then, you “feel lonely, but the cure sounds more painful“. You are afraid to let anyone get too close. You work elsewhere. Married women flirt with you there, and coworkers act “like it’s no big deal“, egging you on to sleep with them. These people are making you “distrust people even more“. You think that you developed “an aversion to touch“, such as a simple touch on your shoulder or arm, and an aversion to people who are trying to get close to you. You keep your distance from people, or you act passive aggressively toward people. In the past, you were able to suppress your negative feelings (or not have them at all), but now, you feel unable to do that.

“I dunno what to feel or what I’m supposed to do. Everything in the past 3 years feels like a dream. Nothing feels real. Nothing really makes me excited or happy anymore. Everything feels flat, muted and gray” –

– mistreated at home growing up=> mistreated at the workplace as a grown up=> very distrusting people, angry at people.

This development is understandable. Those of us who were abused for a long time suffer the consequences of the abuse. The Law of Cause and Effect defined by Isaac Newton states that “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction“: it is true of physics, and it is true of our emotional lives. The Abuse you suffered is the Cause/ Action. Your negative feelings for other people, the excessive distrust, the aversion to touch, your loneliness and depression (“muted and grey“) … are the Effect/ Reaction.

I wrote excessive distrust because there really are plenty of people who are not trustworthy in this or that area, people who harm other people in a variety of ways, including the violent employers, the co-workers who were aware of what was happening behind the scenes and kept working there… and the married women who flirt with you and the co-workers who egg you on to sleep with them. So, some distrust is needed to minimize your chances to be harmed by others, and so to not harm others.

Please let me know what you think about my reply. I would like to communicate with you further.

anita

Dear puChop:

You are welcome. When I read that you are “not young anymore”, I thought that maybe you are in your 50s, but you are just past 30? I remember feeling old when I turned 30… looking back, I was young at 30!

It’s a good thing that you go out occasionally with people you feel safe enough with. it’s a good thing that there are such people who can be trusted. I will be back to your thread tomorrow morning (in about 11 hours from now) and reply further. Anything you want to share about, before I am back to your thread, please do.

anita

Dear PuChop:

“Trying to make friends after you hit 30 is very difficult… My biggest fear is regretting going down the path of isolation when I’m on my death bed… the fear is ever present” – you are afraid of being alone and lonely in the future, when on your death bed. But in the past, as a child growing up in a very dysfunctional family and onward, you were extremely lonely all along, haven’t you?

It often happens that we are afraid of experiencing something in the future, when we already experienced it plenty in the past, and still, in the present. You wrote in your original post in regard to your former employers: “I should have seen all the signs of manipulative and violent people, but I was able to ignore it. Part of it was me being extremely naive and lonely. The other was growing up in a very dysfunctional family”.

You wrote that you were able to ignore the true nature of your employers at the time because you were extremely lonely. The employers and some of the customers were very friendly, and some treated you like family: “Some of these terrible employers and customers even became part of my social group. It was actually a fun time and I had more social activity than I had in years. Some of them even considered me as family“.

For a very lonely child=> a very lonely adult, when a group of people treats you like a valuable member of their social group, part of their esteemed family, and you experience a lot of positive social activity with them, it is intoxicating, it is like having a long-ago childhood dream come true… all the longing of childhood to belong, to be treated well… all that gets satisfied for a while, and it is fun and exciting: a powerful emotional experience!

You wrote earlier: “Everyone around me knew what was going on behind the scenes except me” – maybe they knew because they did not grow up lonely, and therefore, they were not too excited by the friendly, family like atmosphere.

I hope that you feel compassion for yourself for not knowing what was happening behind the scenes at the time, can’t blame the boy in you for being too excited, too invested in the dream.

When you found out what the employers were about, you disappeared on them, blocked their numbers- I hope that you give yourself credit for not closing your eyes to what you knew, like the others.

I wrote all the above before I noticed that you used the word dream yourself, in the last paragraph of your original post: “Everything in the past 3 years feels like a dream. Nothing feels real. Nothing really makes me excited or happy anymore. Everything feels flat, muted and gray” –

– I think that when you awakened from the sweet dream of being a valued member of a family, a dream full of exciting colors and sounds and tastes… it was a rude awakening that left you feeling flat, muted and gray.

Like I mentioned before, I would like to communicate with you further, so feel free to post anytime and I will be glad to read what you share and reply.

anita

Hi PuChop!

I’m sorry to hear that you’re under a lot of stress and that your mood has been up and down. Your concerns are understandable.

Can you describe your ideal vacation? Perhaps you can’t go on that vacation right now. But maybe you can bring small pieces of it into your life now.

Dear puChop:

“I started to notice that she might have been using me as free therapy. Someone she can run to when things fall apart with the current badboy she was dating at the time… I’ve told her so many times…  But she would never listen… Having her throw her problems on me was going to make me snap. I didnt want to blow up on her and be the bad guy so I just cut her off…  for nearly 6 monhs now… I miss her so much. She was like a big sister to me. I was hoping that without me as her emotional crutch, she would get a bit of a wake up call. I dunno if I should contact her to see how she’s doing” –

– My thoughts: I don’t think that you should contact her because generally you’ve been angry with people  for some time, and specifically, you’ve been angry at her for using you as therapy, for running to you when things fell apart with other men and for never listening to you, all the things you mentioned (above quote).

You felt like snapping and blowing up on her six months ago, and so you did the right thing and ended contact with her (good choice!). It was the right thing for you and for her, because blowing up on her was not going to help her; plus, she never listened to you before, so no reason to think that she will start listening to you now.

If it’s been possible for her to contact you in the last six months and she didn’t- it likely means that she didn’t experience a wake up call, such that includes her realizing that the advice you gave her was correct and changing her behaviors accordingly.

I would like it if you shared more about your anger at people, more about what it is about. Maybe exploring it and understanding it better here, on your thread, will help you?

anita