Dear Lost Girl:
I see why you chose the name Lost Girl. You are not pushing for a romantic relationship but you are not pulling away from it either. It is that indecision I am very familiar with. It is- do you feel this way?- that I don’t know WHAT (or who) is right for me, so I don’t want to reject any opportunity that MIGHT be right. “Who knows?” you asked- and this is the point. I hope I can teach you something from my experience living in this mindset for so long (and do let me know if indeed this is your mindset)…

It did not work for me- or for my sister- and absolutely failed. Although nobody can predict the future and there are no guarantees, a lot or random factors- you have a FAR GREATER CHANCE, statistically, to live a good life if you actively choose, with awareness, adn so navigate your own life. Statistics is all you can go for. No guarantees. It is like you have 95% better chance to live a good life if you choose from awareness. That is a good statistic.

How do you do that? How do you choose from awareness if you are not aware of what you want…

First you accept that it is going to be a PROCESS that is going to take a long time and there is no way to suddenly become instantly …aware and knowing. Have faith, I hope, that this process is the only way to move ahead.

Slowly become aware through use of your logic (“Rational Mind”) and your emotions (“Emotional Mind”) of what is going on inside you and outside you. Logic alone does not work. Some of what your emotions are telling you is correct and some of what your emotions are telling you currently is not correct. Through the process you will learn over time what to believe and what not to believe; what is true and what is not true.

You wrote: “he says he can make me change my mind..” oh, oh, I say- that is not likely to be difficult for you because your mind is weak at this point, it is not set, so if he is good at changing a weak mind, then he will. He may trigger certain emotions in you and you may feel that the answer is with him. Too easy to give your power away when you have little power to begin with. In potential you have as much power as anyone else, but not in your current state of mind.

I would say: with your willingness to give him your power and his willingness to take it- better you do not meet him. If you can get a bit of awareness and meet him so to pay attention to what is going on and practice something on the way to awareness- than it can be a good idea.

Be careful: this is not the time in your life for relationship decisions. Better not. Keep relationships light, NOT COMMITAL and PRACTICE the skills you need to develop (mindfulness, assertiveness) first.

“Who knows?” You asked. Inside of you are the answers. It will take time, if you engage in the process, maybe with good therapy? to find those answers, little by little, patiently.

I agree with the commentator above. How do you know when an interaction between you and another person is right? If it is a WIN-WIN situation. Think about what you are going to get out of it and what he/ she intends to get out of it. Ask … ask him and ask yourself.

Let me know if you want more of my input.
anita

Dear Lost Girl:

Regarding face to face via emailing modes of communication: I agree that texting/ emailing can be misleading. On the other hand it was easier and more effective for me in the past to communicate via emails. In person, I was often lost (yes, LOST) in fears of rejection, of hurting the other’s feelings, of saying the wrong thing, etc. I was not present in the face-to-face conversation. Later I thought to myself: oh, I should have said this or that… Via emails I was able to read and re-read and edit my communication without worrying about how it was accepted, without being hyper-vigilant regarding his/ her facial responses and such. I heard others say misunderstandings are common via emails. In my experience, given my tendency to get absent minded IN PERSON, email communication was often better than face to face.

In your original post you wrote about your first boyfriend: “(he) really made me feel bad about myself. He totally ruined my self-confidence, so after stupidly trying not to hurt his feelings…” In the post above you wrote about the present friend: “I just don’t want to hurt him again and push him away.” I wonder about this concern of yours to not hurt the feelings of another… maybe over concern as it was with your first boyfriend. Even though your first boyfriend was hurting you, you were so afraid of him being hurt that you overlooked the fact that YOU were hurting and that it was your job to protect yourself from being hurt by him (eventually you did break up with him). I wonder where this over concern comes from and I wonder how it is playing a part in your indecision. I am curious of what you think about it, if you gave this thought already and if you think about it now, calmly, what comes to your mind?

The guy “sounds” like a nice guy and you write that he knows you well- but he can’t know you that well when you don’t know yourself that well… and he has his own needs, wants, not YOURS. Not that he is not concerned or caring about your needs and wants, but he is mostly motivated by his own. Placing your future in his hands will be a mistake. Do not give him the power to navigate your life no matter how much you think he knows you, how decent he is, how genuinely he likes you… no matter what, do not give your power away.

Since I projected accurately about your state of mind, as you wrote: “It’s so hard living with that. I can never make a decision I’m sure of because I’m always thinking about all the possibilities, weighing the pros and the cons forever… It’s so tiring and frustrating, sometimes I wish someone could take all the decisions for me and tell me what to do.” I will suggest for you to re-read my post before this one about the PROCESS and write to me what you think further.

That wish you wrote: “I wish someone could take all the decisions for me and tell me what to do.” Be careful, Lost Girl of that wish coming true. Not a good way to live. It may FEEL this way, but remember what i wrote about trusting your own emotions? In the process you will learn which emotions to trust, or better said, you will learn what the true messages are behind your emotions. By wishing to have someone else tell you what to do, what it is you are trying to avoid? Of course you are trying to avoid the anxiety of making the wrong decisions adn going over the pros and cons endlessly in your mind, but looking deeper, what are you trying to avoid? Tell me more…???
anita

Dear Lost Girl:
You have been consistent in your posts about wanting to go abroad. Your indecision has been about a relationship with the guy, not about going abroad. You did mention some unfavorable financial condition about the going abroad plan, and given your fearful nature taht you ackonwledged- it makes sense that part of you will try to HOLD ON to something that may feel safer than the financial challenge and any other challenges that going abroad entail.

It is hard to choose in this world at the present time because there are so many choices: even going to the supermarket is a chore because there are so many, many choices. This has nothing to do with you. A study has shown that given too many choices reduces people’s happingess or content.

You wrote that he told you he loved you but seemed detached- one message carried by his words and another message by non verbal communiation. Something to pay attention to.

regarding caring not to hurt others- it is part of who you are, not a part you want to change. It is a good part: do no harm is a Buddhist principle. What you acknowledge as ineffective is putting another’s interest first, at your expense. That is hurting yourself so to not hurt another, a lose-win situation- to avoid!

It seems to me, since the comment about fear resonated with you- that you are excited, definite about wanting to go abroad but you are also afraid. It would make sense that you will be looking for connection with another to soothe that fear. This is what humans/ social animals do to soothe fear. So no wonder there. Occupying your mind with him carries the message then that you are afraid, that is all. But that is nothing new. I do hope that you go abroad, not even considering to change that plan so to have a relationship with this guy. I hope you follow your plan while remaining mindful/ aware of your fear. Find ways to soothe your fear that do not involve strategies that will backfire, like having a relationship. Find connections, but not such that will hurt you following, at best, temproarty relief of fear.

Just because you feel fear does not mean you are facing real danger. This is where awareness comes in, thinking realistically about the situation, seeing it for what it is, not escaping into a fantasy of how someone could rescue you from your fear. This is a serious opportunity for you to grow in spite of the fear. Not by a strong will power alone, but by taking small steps toward the goal, focusing on the journey, ackinowledging the obstacles and moving on mindfully.
anita

Dear Lost Girl:
I was wondering as I read your post above what you mean by “great things” in the sentence: “He says I’m wasting my potential to do great thing, and to be honest, he’s right.” ???
anita