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I don’t know what to do. (In a limbo)

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  • #408619
    peace
    Participant

    Hello everyone,

    I am writing to you all because I am kind of desperate in my current situation and I  really need some advice from you.

    I have been in a relationship for the past two years and three months with a girl. I am 23 years old, she is 22. I would not say that everything has been perfect. Not at all. But the mental and physical connection between the two of us has been something I have never experienced before. She knows everything about me and I have not been afraid of showing all the sides of me, because i was convinced that she would still like me at the end. She has had some difficulties opening up, since she had not had any relationship prior to ours (which is something she has struggled a lot with in these two years). We met each other the last weeks before pandemic and never stopped being together ever since. We have been each other’s support system since we met and I was usually the more chill in the relationship.

    Now she is going away for university (it’s a 3-hour bus ride) and everything seemed to change in her attitude in just a few weeks. After not getting enough attention from her for days, I confronted her about this and she said that she cannot give me what I need right now. She said she does not feel the same way as before as she is not feeling the same emotional connection, she feels empty and wants to focus on her new life in the new city. She also said that she is not thinking of anything, let alone about our relationship. On the other hand she said that she loves me, but she would like for me to have less expectations about our relationship since she is not able to give me what I need.

    I told her that I love her and I do not think that our relationship is doomed yet and she agreed with me. But when I asked what “what should we do then?” she said she does not know. I proposed a break, a period of around 3-4 weeks without communicating with each other but she said that she wants to talk to me and does not like the idea. Now we have given each other a week to think about what we should do. But in the meantime we are still texting, even if I am not getting any love (the only way I can say she is thinking about me is that sometimes she double text, even if I have not yet replied). This situation is very frustrating for me, as I do not know how to behave. I feel in a limbo. I have been crying all day because I want to tell her so many things but I am restraining myself in order not to feel needy or to pressure her, hence drawing her further away. The week of reflection ends in two days and I have no idea what to do after. Should I let her go, even if this breaks my heart? Or should I hold on, letting her decide and adjust to her new life away?

    Thank you in advance. I hope some kind soul will reply to me.

     

    Have a good day,

     

    #408630
    anita
    Participant

    Dear peace:

    Let’s look at what she (22) said to you (23) voluntarily, meaning not as answers to questions that you presented to her): “she said that she cannot give me what I need right now. She said she does not feel the same way as before… not feeling the same emotional connection, she feels empty and wants to focus on her new life in the new city… she would like for me to have less expectations about our relationship since she is not able to give me what I need“.

    Her behavior during “the week of reflection”, a sort-of break from the relationship: “still texting…  sometimes she double text, even if I have not yet replied“.

    Should I let her go, even if this breaks my heart? Or should I hold on, letting her decide and adjust to her new life away?“- (1) It is clear to me that she is emotionally attached to you, and not surprisingly, since the two of  you spent so much time together, (2) It is possible that she thinks that love/ attraction is always supposed to feel about the same and if it doesn’t- it means that it’s gone, (3) Seems like living in a new city motivated her to depart from the old and try something new, whatever new for her entails.

    I think that if you find out in two days that she didn’t change her mind-and-heart, that she is undecided, your best shot at having her back to you (or to heal from a broken heart) is to give her the message: Let your Yes be Yes, and your No be No: either she is in a relationship with you, or she isn’t. If she is undecided, then proceed as if she said No, and this means no contact for as long as it is a No for two reasons: (1) Any contact with her will fuel your hopes and wear you down (2) Continued comforting contact with you may help her survive a lonely time until she finds comfort with someone new, so by keeping contact with her (in her state of mind), you’ll be helping her find someone new.

    anita

     

    #408650
    peace
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thank you so much for your reply and your wise words. I think you are right. I will proceed according to what you told me.

    All the best,

    peace

    #408660
    anita
    Participant

    Dear peace:

    You are very welcome and thank you for wishing me the best. Post again whenever you need to and I will be glad to reply to you again.

    anita

    #409145
    Bianca
    Participant

    Hi, this is totally unrelated, but I could use some advice. I was walking with my friend the other day and all of a sudden she spit on my face. It was accidental, but I thought it was purposeful and spit on her back. I did it as a joke, but I definitely took it way too far. I feel terrible and apologized, and she said it was ok and thought it was funny, but I do not know what to do. I feel super guilty.

    #409149
    anita
    Participant

    * Bianca: since like you wrote, “this is totally unrelated”, please start your own thread (go to Forums, ALL FORUMS, at the top of the page) and elaborate on your situation there.

    anita

    #409358
    StoutHeartedMen
    Participant

    Dear peace,

    I think I can relate to your situation. I can’t stand being patient especially when it comes to relationships. I have had the feeling of finally showing my full self to someone, and then feeling betrayed as if they are abandoning me by focusing on something in their own life. I am a 23 year old male as well and I have had this happen with a previous relationship. He was focusing on college and no longer had time nor energy for me.
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>On the other hand, I also feel like I may understand her perspective. I recently “dropped” so much of my city life to move hours away to a farm to pursue new opportunities and challenge myself, as well as leaving behind many friends from art college. I reinvented myself and rediscovered my ethics, values, and personal religion. This process felt necessary to finding a new side of myself, as I believe we are relatively young and I believe the 20s are an important time to find who we are by ourselves. In the process, I hurt some of my then-close friends. I sometimes got cold and quiet because I did not want to face the reality; that I would miss them.</p>
    I bring no answers, only questions 🙂
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>1) Have you ever been in a position where you restructured your life and wanted to temporarily abstain from seeing your loved ones? If so, can this experience help you to understand her position now?</p>
    2) How would life be different if the relationship ends? How would life be different if it continues?

    3) Can you identify what gifts the relationship gives you? (Confidence, security, purpose, etc?) Do you think it is possible to find these things within yourself?

    Regardless I wish you strength and the knowledge that you are loved!

    thanks,

    stoutheartedmsn.w
    <p style=”text-align: right;”></p>

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