So, I came here tonight because I don’t have anyone in my life to talk to. And I am feeling really sad, scared and alone. It’s been like this for a while…but I can’t get used to it. And, I just don’t know what to do. I’m 41 years old and I am failing at life. I can’t get anything right I’m barely surviving. I live with an emotionally abusive “boyfriend” who constantly puts me down…I mean, like, has issue with EVERYTHING I do. Its obvious he just can’t stand me. But, I have nowhere to go. And the homeless shelter or domestic violence shelters around me aren’t safe. Period. He kicks me out all the time and its traumatic each time because…again, I literally have nowhere to go. Nowhere. I don’t have a car. Plus I work for him and rent a room from him and haven’t been able to pay rent since I lost my car in a car accident back in August. He is the only person I interact with and he puts me down all the time barely acknowledges me…treats me like I’m crap. And, my whole life has been like this. My family doesn’t talk to me. They left me when I was 17 years old. I’ve been on my own since then and it hasn’t been easy.

In all of this time I’ve been overwhelmed by feelings of abandonment and basically learning to live life on the fly with no clue how to do so and I’ve encountered a lot of individuals that have been wolves in sheep’s clothing, so to speak. One would think that you would toughen up and become wiser and stop making the same stupid decisions and interacting with the same bad people. One would think that I’m asking for all my troubles…but I mean, I really wasn’t. I was looking for support, for someone to care about me…for relationships and a sense of belonging. I just continually met the wrong people. Subconsciously, I guess, I searched out the same people trying to get different results. And I look back on my life…all I see are a string of bad relationships and they’re all the same…all of them emotionally unavailable, all of them taking advantage of me or putting me down or using me or making me feel unwanted or unloved. So, I spent my whole life searching out – and for the most part, unknowingly – basically people like my family so I could re-live the experience and hope against hope that this time it’ll be different, this time I’ll change them? Oh my God. Please. Tell me it isn’t so. And now here I stand at 41 and I have nobody and nothing and another person I’m in a relationship telling me that I’m nothing and worthless….as if I need to hear it some more. And my heart is breaking and my soul is permanently damaged. I accept that I made many bad choices in my life. I’m not even remotely coming from the position of “look what everyone did to blameless little me” I understand I made my choices and, even unintentionally or without consciously realizing it at times, I went after what would break me.

And now I don’t know that I love or even like myself. I don’t take care of myself. I don’t do what I know I should be doing that is good and healthy for myself. I’m falling apart physically. Mentally I’m all sorts of messed up. I feel like life is over and there is no future for me that seems inviting. It’s more hell and I’m not sure I want to find out what it’ll be like.  And I’m not sure I have the will to make the changes necessary to change the path of the rest of my life. You know? I just don’t know what to do.

And I’m sorry to come here and complain and cry about my misery but…I don’t have anyone. And I just needed to talk. Thanks for listening. Or, for reading.