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I don’t know what to do…or the strength to do it

HomeForumsTough TimesI don’t know what to do…or the strength to do it

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  • #396814
    Cecilia
    Participant

    So, I came here tonight because I don’t have anyone in my life to talk to. And I am feeling really sad, scared and alone. It’s been like this for a while…but I can’t get used to it. And, I just don’t know what to do. I’m 41 years old and I am failing at life. I can’t get anything right I’m barely surviving. I live with an emotionally abusive “boyfriend” who constantly puts me down…I mean, like, has issue with EVERYTHING I do. Its obvious he just can’t stand me. But, I have nowhere to go. And the homeless shelter or domestic violence shelters around me aren’t safe. Period. He kicks me out all the time and its traumatic each time because…again, I literally have nowhere to go. Nowhere. I don’t have a car. Plus I work for him and rent a room from him and haven’t been able to pay rent since I lost my car in a car accident back in August. He is the only person I interact with and he puts me down all the time barely acknowledges me…treats me like I’m crap. And, my whole life has been like this. My family doesn’t talk to me. They left me when I was 17 years old. I’ve been on my own since then and it hasn’t been easy.

    In all of this time I’ve been overwhelmed by feelings of abandonment and basically learning to live life on the fly with no clue how to do so and I’ve encountered a lot of individuals that have been wolves in sheep’s clothing, so to speak. One would think that you would toughen up and become wiser and stop making the same stupid decisions and interacting with the same bad people. One would think that I’m asking for all my troubles…but I mean, I really wasn’t. I was looking for support, for someone to care about me…for relationships and a sense of belonging. I just continually met the wrong people. Subconsciously, I guess, I searched out the same people trying to get different results. And I look back on my life…all I see are a string of bad relationships and they’re all the same…all of them emotionally unavailable, all of them taking advantage of me or putting me down or using me or making me feel unwanted or unloved. So, I spent my whole life searching out – and for the most part, unknowingly – basically people like my family so I could re-live the experience and hope against hope that this time it’ll be different, this time I’ll change them? Oh my God. Please. Tell me it isn’t so. And now here I stand at 41 and I have nobody and nothing and another person I’m in a relationship telling me that I’m nothing and worthless….as if I need to hear it some more. And my heart is breaking and my soul is permanently damaged. I accept that I made many bad choices in my life. I’m not even remotely coming from the position of “look what everyone did to blameless little me” I understand I made my choices and, even unintentionally or without consciously realizing it at times, I went after what would break me.

    And now I don’t know that I love or even like myself. I don’t take care of myself. I don’t do what I know I should be doing that is good and healthy for myself. I’m falling apart physically. Mentally I’m all sorts of messed up. I feel like life is over and there is no future for me that seems inviting. It’s more hell and I’m not sure I want to find out what it’ll be like.  And I’m not sure I have the will to make the changes necessary to change the path of the rest of my life. You know? I just don’t know what to do.

    And I’m sorry to come here and complain and cry about my misery but…I don’t have anyone. And I just needed to talk. Thanks for listening. Or, for reading.

    #396823
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cecilia:

    You shared that your family (parents, I assume) left you when you were 17 and since then (now 41) you’ve been “barely survivinglooking for support, for someone to care about me…for relationships and a sense of belonging“, but instead of support, care and belonging you were met with abuse, with “a lot of individuals that have been wolves in sheep’s clothing… bad people… the wrong people… all of them emotionally unavailable, all of them taking advantage of me or putting me down or using me“.

    I spent my whole life searching out – and for the most part, unknowingly – basically people like my family so I could re-live the experience and hope against hope that this time it’ll be different, this time I’ll change them? Oh my God. Please. Tell me it isn’t so” –

    – You did not want to re-live the experience of your childhood, not knowingly and not unknowingly. You wanted a different experience, one of support, care and belonging, just like you said yourself.

    I believe that the main reasons you encountered abuse instead of support and care are the following: (1) It is a fact that there are plenty of men who are willing to take advantage of needy, disadvantaged women, similar to predator in the wild preying on disadvantaged prey: the very young, the old and/ or disabled, (2) Being as needy and unprepared as you were to live on your own, you weren’t able to evaluate men for their character or lack of, and detect predators, and because you were “barely surviving” all along, you never got a chance to learn to do so, (3) Once you found yourself living with a predator/ abusive man, you did not have anyone to help you out of the situation and otherwise, you felt paralyzed, unable to leave, just as you felt with your parents.

    Let’s look at your current situation: “I live with an emotionally abusive ‘boyfriend’ who constantly puts me down…But, I have nowhere to go. And the homeless shelter or domestic violence shelters around me aren’t safeI literally have nowhere to go. Nowhere. I don’t have a car… I’m falling apart physically. Mentally I’m all sorts of messed up. I feel like life is over and there is no future for me that seems inviting” –

    – Living with him, you are physically falling apart and all kinds of messed up, feeling like life is over… that’s not a safe situation for you. The homeless and domestic violence shelters around you aren’t safe, you wrote. Can you tell me about the conditions in these shelters, and in what ways these shelters are not safe in comparison to you living with the abusive boyfriend, I mean… what’s safer about living with him?

    anita

     

    #396822
    BeckyEdwards
    Participant

    I’ll help you leave. I’m in the same boat. We’ll do it together. Are you safe? I have a car and id be willing to help you get out. If you need it. Or even to talk. I tried to end it this morning but hes extremely angry with me.

    #396871
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Cecilia

    I’m sorry for all of the suffering you’ve experienced. My advice if you are not willing to leave immediately, is look for a new job. This will position you in a better place when you choose to leave.

    It is the story of many people to repeat the cycle of abuse before they are able to escape it.

    There are many abusive people out there and it is easy for someone to hide their abusive behaviour until you live with them for a sustained period of time. By this point, you already care about them and financial concerns make it difficult to leave.

    The only way to protect yourself is to have very strict boundaries. If someone treats you badly and they do not make a considerable consistent effort to alter their behaviour and change end the relationship. A strong desire to be loved and poor self-esteem can make this very challenging. Good luck figuring everything out!

    #399936
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Cecilia?

    anita

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