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I dont want to get better

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  • September 4, 2019 at 3:25 pm #310321
    Rin
    Participant

    Hi guys, I’m having what I beleive is called cognitive dissonance for a few months. I dont want to get better. I feel like wallowing in self loathing, seeing how much I can push myself until I cant take it anymore. I dont know why I do this, and I want to be a mindful, happy person again but none of anything good I do for myself is the same. Meditation feels hollow, visualization feels fake, I can’t even calm myself down anymore. It all fell down when I got my first job, and everything has been declining back into an unhealthy mainframe ever since. Even things I used to love just arent fun anymore. I lost all the healthy progress I had and whenever I try to practice it again it doesnt feel the same. Is this depression? How do I feel joyful and refreshed again?

    September 4, 2019 at 4:26 pm #310323
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rin:

    “It all fell down when I got my first job”- is your first job connected to the breakup from your ex boyfriend of a year ago, the one who is still alive in your heart and mind (your previous thread of less than a  month ago)?

    anita

    September 4, 2019 at 4:30 pm #310325
    Rin
    Participant

    No, not at all. It was several months after the breakup, and it was very strenuous. I never got a break and it was endless stress for nine hours straight on school nights. I never had time to do things for myself, so all of my healthy habits fell off.

    September 4, 2019 at 5:40 pm #310327
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rin:

    I am not sure if you shared whether you quit that job. If you would like to share more about the current circumstances of your life: work, that sort-of relationship you mentioned before  and whatever else is happening, please do and I will reply when I am back. I will be back to the computer in about 12 hours from now.

    anita

    September 5, 2019 at 4:05 am #310371
    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Rin,

    The words “self loathing” are creating the basis of your depression.  You want to know just how much you can hate yourself.  What if you were to flip your self talk and push self loving to its limits.  You may have been stressed out in the past through over-work but it seems that you are carrying this stress factor with you now.

    You don’t have to set aside hours for your meditation etc.  Even whilst at work, in lunch breaks etc. you can give yourself some positive talk or focus on your breathing to calm you down.  10 minute sessions throughout the day could add up to an hour by the evening.  It’s just as beneficial.

    Peggy

     

    September 5, 2019 at 10:56 am #310451
    Grace
    Participant

    Meditation will definitely help, but not if you’re in the middle of a clinical depression.  Have you thought of checking with a doctor?  If you’re confused and sad and feeling empty, that’s one thing.  If you’re chemically unbalanced, then you will need to be stable so you can combine meds with meditation.

    I was where you are now many years ago.

     

    September 5, 2019 at 11:11 am #310463
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rin:

    “I feel like wallowing in self loathing”- we don’t loath ourselves unless someone loathed us first, someone expressed a strong dislike for us, a strong disapproval, a rejection or dismissal of who we are.

    After that happens, usually in childhood, that loathing person becomes part of us, doing the loathing against ourselves.

    Who was it in your young life who loathed you?

    anita

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