My ex left on Christmas day 2021 and I have not heard from her since. We were together for two years. Christmas is an incredibly difficult and painful time of the year for me. This year was worse than usual.

I actually did kick her out and she left. I kicked her out because she hurt me deeply.

Three main things.

– Took my presents away on Christmas Eve that she has bought me. She took them when I was out of the room. I came back in the room and it took me a while to notice they were bit there. Deep hurt number one. Why would anyone even do that? Regardless of the reasons I couldn’t look past it. It felt cruel and hurtful.

– She was speaking to someone on the phone. I do not know who. She was in the bedroom. Rather than talk with me, she was quite content in talking to this other person. She even seemed happy. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t care that she was talking to someone else. What I do care about is that I wanted to be spoken to on Christmas Eve. I felt so alone. The house is quite an echoey house. I went to ask her to keep her voice down. In that moment she said to whoever she was talking to that she had just been told to keep her voice down. Right then and there, my heart just broke. That, the presents, being ignored was my last straw. I could t take anymore. I got so angry. I told her to pack her things the next morning and leave. I told her I hated her. In my anger I said that. I think it was more I hated what she had done more than I hated her.

She was refusing to leave and pack. It was late at night. I said if you are not packing by ten am the next morning, I will start throwing your stuff out. I also sent into some sort of shock. Her choices triggered sons traumas from the past. Regardless, the things she did  felt cruel and hurtful. Prior trauma or not.

She left most of her stuff behind. Important things of her of own. Not things we had given as gifts. Personal effects. Enough to fill a small shed. Legally I can’t get rid of it. There is no response to my communication for the collection of the rest of her belongings.

I’ve tried many times to sort collection to no avail. I have no choice but to seek mwah help.

I just feel so hurt, angry and broken. Two years together and you go do something like this. I’m still in shock and finding it hard to process. I don’t know why she did these things but it just so deeply. How can a person change so fast from apparently being in love with you but then doing these things? I’m going to be sorting out therapy as I can no longer cope.

I just wanted to write about it, try get some possible understanding of my situation while writing. I just feel like I can no longer even trust my own perceptions or feelings. I’m scared of how extremely vulnerable I am. Some days I just want to scream. I’m always tired, physically and mentally. Life just feels too much.

There is also another massive thing going on at the same time in my life. I’ve had to seek a lawyer. This has taken a huge toll on me and I just feel like I am not even heard. I’m starting to really shut down cause it’s like I can no longer manage anything.