December 11, 2019 at 8:32 am #327047
I try so hard to be positive every day, give others advice and look forward to the future. But honestly I’m terrified. I’m terrified that maybe I’m not meant to be loved by anyone. I cry out to God all the time wishing, hoping, praying that someone would love me.
How difficult of a person may I be that I can’t find someone who wants to protect my heart and keep me safe? I want someone who makes me feel special and beautiful and chosen
People find eachother all the time, they give love and lose love. I’m always falling for people who could never love me the way I’m meant to be cared for, usually it was surface level and they never cared to begin with. I know it’s real and it’s out there for everyone else – why is it taking so long for me to get even a small glimpse of it? I have wanted to love and be loved more than anything in this world my whole life and I’m losing all hopeDecember 11, 2019 at 9:50 am #327057
“maybe I’m not meant to be loved by anyone…I can’t find someone who wants to protect my heart and keep me safe.. I want someone who makes me feel special and beautiful and chosen… I have wanted to love and be loved more than anything in this world my whole life and I’m losing hope”.
Some of the men you dated didn’t love you, and some did, at least the one you dated back in June 2018, reads to me. You trusted him to “never cheat” on you until you fell in love with him. When that happened you experienced “this constant paranoia that he is (cheating on you)”. Next, your suspicion ruined the relationship. You wrote at the time, a year and a half ago: “as for other relationships it’s been the same thing. I would eventually ruin those relationships by breaking it off because I had a ‘feeing’ they were with someone else.. my father did cheat on my mother when I was a kid”
Back to your recent post of today:
“I can’t find someone who wants to protect my heart and keep me safe”- no man, however decent and loving, can protect you from what already happened in your life, and that is your father cheating on your mother for many years and you witnessing her pain over his cheating. No one can keep you safe from what already happened.
“I want someone who makes me feel special and beautiful and chosen”- no man can undo what your father already did, making your mother – and by proxy, making you- feel un-special and un-chosen and not beautiful.
We keep re-living our childhood experience when that experience was painful, until we process it and heal from it, as much as it is possible for us.
anitaDecember 12, 2019 at 11:25 am #327291
Life is not The Hallmark Channel. Which is why so many people love The Hallmark Channel. Life is maybe 1% Hallmark. We have to Act As If, though. It’s funny, all their movies are so formulaic, and yet multitudes of my friends have confessed to me that they love it.
Love IS out there. It is like a unicorn. When you experience it, you’re never quite sure what you saw.
Lessons from Hallmark:
Become obsessed with your work only to…
Begrudgingly come home to take care of a sick aunt or save the Christmas pageant.
Give the nice guy, the guy from long ago, and the guy with kids a chance.
My point? When you are busy with work AND play (ice skating, caroling, sledding, saying yes to invitations) love will stumble upon you.
It happened to me,
- This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Inky.