The thing that makes this more ridiculous is that I have jumped out of an airplane before, but I can’t seem to handle finding a relationship.

Hi, Mark. I appreciate your kind advice again. I fear that if I ever were to show people what I actually feel at the moment, it would not go over very well. I have a lot of anxiety and apprehension, though, I am trying my very best to keep this contained.

I want to have the aura of being confident and self-assured, not afraid to try new things, but in the back of my head, I can only think that this is a façade, that in reality, I don’t feel very confident or self-assured at all- I literally don’t have a single clue what I am doing, and am just throwing myself at a bunch of things to feel like I belong to something.

I know that probably seems very ungenuine, but it’s how I feel.

The thing that makes me feel even more like a fraud is that I can literally help anyone get just about anything they want, and I take a lot of joy in doing that, but I don’t know how to get anything I want. I’m not even sure what I want.

As far as the intimacy, I have a hard time developing a deep and loving connection with other people. A lot of them just seem very distant to me. Perhaps what it comes down to is that I haven’t met the right person yet.

I also don’t want to sound too self-pitying when I say this, but I only feel really good about myself when I know I have an impact on others around me.

If I am by myself, I often feel like I am worthless, a waste of space, a fraud, a piece of trash. I guess it’s part of the reason I don’t like to be alone.

Yes, I appreciate the advice. I guess my problem is that I don’t necessarily feel worthless- I know deep down that I am, that deep down I will amount to nothing. It goes beyond a sense of just feeling bad about myself over something I’ve done: it is existential.

Last year, after a bout of major depression, I was diagnosed with a persistent mood disorder, which makes absolute sense, as I can remember being as young as 2nd grade and wanting to run out in front of a car and die.

It really is the most awful thing to experience, going through life feeling absolutely awful about yourself, but you learn how to hide it well.

Most people would say that I have a good sense of humor and always seem very happy, but this is a facade, a carefully constructed image that I have crafted for myself-not even so much as to protect my self from pain, but others as well.

After awhile, you learn to get really good at it, to the point where you could be nominated for an Oscar for best actor, but the part is a very tiring one to play.

Most days I feel like the only way I can protect myself from feeling the pain of being me is by trying to make other’s day better- at least that way I can feel a little good about myself (if only for awhile).

That’s why it’s really awful to be alone when the one you hate most is the one that looks back at you in the mirror. It’s like being in an abusive relationship that you can’t end because to end the relationship would be to end yourself.

Either way, I must go on.

Yes, sorry, I should have sought more clarification. I did attend therapy last year, and I was put on anti-depressant meds for at least 4 months or so.  Overall, I found the experience helpful, as it allowed me to process a lot of uncomfortable emotions that I had held onto for years, particularly, a time when I was beaten with rocks at a young age (not my parents), people that I thought were my friends.

My problem is that I still have a voice in the back of my mind that tells me really awful things that I wouldn’t say about anyone, and the longer I am by myself doing nothing, the stronger the voice becomes. When I talked to a psychologist about it, he said that I may have to live with the fact that this voice may never go away, but it is very hard. I want to seek validation for what I do (which I know is indeed selfish), and when I don’t get it, I feel instantly crushed.

I am coping right now the best I can by trying to do meditation and keeping myself busy (but this honestly feels like trying to run away from myself).

I really honestly have no idea what I am doing with my life at the moment (to be honest, I never really did). At this point, I am essentially keeping myself busy to prevent from going insane.

I guess what I should have been more clear with is that I have a difficult time silencing the tape recorder in my head. It tells me that I am worthless, I will be forever alone, etc..

Going to therapy helped somewhat, but I don’t think that it helped with everything. My therapist asked me to question whether this voice was telling the truth or not, but the only answer I can come up with is “yes,” so I’m really not sure how to approach this yet.

As far as being unable to be intimate, I also think it comes from this voice that repeats in my head.

Thanks, Mark. Part of the problem with my anxiety is because of the way the economy is in this day and age, I can’t really afford to wait any longer to begin my life, but it feels so overwhelming that I have no idea where to start. Sometimes I lie awake at night fretting about the future.

I was originally planning on nursing, but after spending some time at a nursing home, I didn’t like the very little attention that the patients seemed to receive. I was under the impression that the nurses did more than just stop into a patient’s room, ask them how they are doing, maybe do a couple things, and then leave. It seemed very impersonal to me.

Thankfully, I have done well enough in my studies where I was accepted into an online OTA program that would take a year to complete, and this seemed like a better fit for me, as it is far more personal and development orientated. The problem is, however, that even though the program is one of the best in the country, the cost is over 40,000 dollars a year, so if I decided to do it, I would end up with over 80,000 dollars in debt, not including interest. The cost of paying that off over a lifetime would be crushing. The program would also require me to travel to Virginia for hands-on training every Wednesday of the month, and I just don’t think it would be possible to afford all those expenses, considering that all my money for my education I have paid for entirely by myself.

So for the moment, I am attempting the AmeriCorps program in Colorado, working for a non-profit agency.  I do have a great passion for helping people learn– the ESL classes at the library I absolutely love, but I can’t help but feel that I am wasting my time.  I’ve invested 3 years into my education, and maybe only 2 of my classes would qualify as a position as an ESL teacher.  So for the moment, I feel completely stuck.

I am living with my parents at the moment because it didn’t work well for me to live with my roommate, and I currently don’t make enough or get enough hours at the group home to move out, so this seems the next best thing for me.

I am a bit concerned, as well, for taking the assignment, as I don’t know anyone in Colorado, and it is just like the military: once you are in, you are in.  I am afraid that I will be absolutely lonely for an entire year, which is a hard thought to think about, but I try to stay positive and hope that I have a wonderful experience.

I guess aside from the episodes of depression, there is a lot of uncertainty about everything at the moment.