i have been in a very close relationship with this guys past 6years

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This topic has 20 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 10 months ago by Jennifer Boyatt.

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January 26, 2017 at 5:19 am #126172
samira
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i have been in a very close relationship with this guy past 6years. in starting we were just friends we shared everything with eachother. he had depression issues bcz of his father he forcefully left their family in pakistan his whole childhood memories was in kuwait then he got admission here in pakistan. we were in same class. one day we casually talked about some assignment then we became best friends i had crush on his close friend he helped me to make him talk to me but somehow it didnt workout but then my father passed away i was shaken he supported me in that difficult moment slowly n gradually we got intimate we started making out in our homes, in his car but didnt had sex. after 2 years my brother saw his picture with me lying on my bed. i denied everything my brother stopped talking to me he started hating me he told everyone(my 2 married sisters and mother) after this situation my bf asked me to get engaged but i said i never wanted to get married i have other goals he begged me in every way but i constatntly rejected him. he didnt stop supporting me.everything got back to normal but my bf got probation from university bcz of his low grades he dropped out and i completed my studies even he paid my fees he totally supported me in evry little thing i was really mean with him i mocked him every time. me and my mother was facing financial crisis my brother was in boarding school my bf helped me in evry way but after 1 year he again asked begged me to marry him i said m going to australia to get better life for my mother he said i will wait for you 5 years i asked him not to do so bcz m not sure.we regularly meet and talk then he said my mother is asking me to get engaged with my czn i was ok with that bcz at that time i was facing family issues i was upset with my family problems. when evrything got settled in my family then i realized i can not live without him 2 weeks before his marriage i told him i cant see you getting married he was even ready to stop the marriage he talked with their parents he asked them to stop this and give any reason to girl’s family they abused him and blackmailed him if he doesnt agree to marry then he wont give him any money he came to me crying and shaking then he said we have to face this now we will mangae this together all you have to do is have trust on me i will marry this girl for a time being i wont touch her and i will tell her m not ready yet then i will get money from my father for busniess(he already talked about before engagemnt) now he is out of city with his family and bringing this girl in his hometown iam going crazing thinking about future and also if he wont do what he promised he is constatntly texting me to stay strong as he has made up his mind we will go to australia together just after he gets money but he has no degree no work experience and i am depressed and getting panic attacks i cant imagine life without him but all these things are not making any sense i have grad degree i can easily go for master prg but what about him what will we do?
i am losing my mind even thinking about suicide bcz even tho he is texting me but he is lying m stalking his czns on facebook n everythng seems fine he is enjoying and gathering but he is not admitiing this to me he even lied about his wedding night that he was with his father in hospital
- This topic was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by samira.
January 26, 2017 at 7:10 am #126175

Inky
Participant

Hi samira,

Two things are going on here. One is you took your BF for granted and the other is that he is in an arranged marriage. If you said “Yes” the first time would he have been free to marry you? Would his parents have allowed it? Well, what’s done is done at any rate.

You said, “No, don’t wait for me.” Then his parents set him up with a fiancée.

Now he is married. It doesn’t matter if it is consummated or not. He is married. He is also under his parents’ thumb.

I hate to say it, but move on. HE has to get a divorce if you are to have a future. To be honest, I don’t see that happening from the way you described him.

Best,

Inky

January 26, 2017 at 9:50 am #126180

samira
Participant

yes his mother was also interested at that time but she told him this girl will not accept your proposal if she does so then i will go to her mother otherwise i wont ask her mother

his mother set him up with this girl and with in 5 months they got married now God knows what is he doing if he is lying with me.today he told me that his wife tried to hold his arm but he pulled her away he did not touch her

January 26, 2017 at 11:39 am #126181

Inky
Participant

samira,

I wouldn’t take his calls anymore. Stop communicating with him. This isn’t good for you, him, or his new wife. Leave that family alone now.

January 27, 2017 at 12:47 am #126222

samira
Participant

he was supposed to come tomorrow.today morning his elder brother called my mother he is in hospital and his face and upper body has burned bcz of some accident in his room his wife is also injured.. i cant hold on to this pain now m lsoing my mind what will i do i was waiting for his msgs since yesterday but now m totally shocked

January 27, 2017 at 12:49 am #126223

samira
Participant

dear inky
plz guide me your answers are very short this thing is not as easy as your thinking

January 27, 2017 at 4:38 am #126224

Inky
Participant

Oh dear. I’m sorry my answers are short. I like to get right to the point.

I hope others on Tiny Buddha will jump in, it’s also helpful to have many different views!

Listen, dear, it is not good for you, the man and even his wife for you to be involved in his life anymore. I know it’s painful. I suspect many people reading this have been there. It’s not easy to love someone you’re not “supposed” to be in love with. My advice is to leave him alone. For now. In a few years check in with him. If he has divorced his poor wife and has gotten out from under his parents, then yes, be with him.

But you must agree that it is bad karma for you to stay in the wings like this. Believe it or not, it will be easier for him to deal with one issue at a time. It will be easier for him to dissolve his marriage without you hanging around. It will also be easier to get away from his family’s influence perhaps if he stays married for a year or two. Let him work things out without you even energetically hanging around.

You can tell him, “I’m letting you alone to work your stuff out. Contact me when you are legally divorced”.

January 27, 2017 at 8:57 am #126233

Anonymous
Guest

Dear samira:

In trying to understand your situation I am re-writing your story in my own words:

You are in a relationship with a man for 6 years at this point, in Pakistan. You started as friends, then became best-friends. He helped you when you had a crush on another guy and when your father passed away. Over time you and him became physically intimate, as in girlfriend/ boyfriend, only you did not have sexual intercourse. Your brother caught you and him in bed and told about it to your sisters and mother. Next, your now boyfriend asked you to marry him. You refused but remained in the girlfriend/ boyfriend relationship with him while he was supportive of you throughout.

Your boyfriend dropped out of University because of low grades. You completed your studies and he paid for part of your university fees and with much more. Even though he was the decent guy that he was, up to this point, very supportive of you emotionally and financially, asking you to marry him and remaining supportive while you refused to marry him, you became “really mean” to him, mocking him, making fun of him repeatedly and frequently. Still, your boyfriend helped you and your family (mother, brother) financially, while you treated him abusively.

A year after he first asked you to marry him, he asked you again. You refused again, saying you were going to leave Pakistan for Australia. He said he’ll wait for you 5 years. You asked him not to wait for you.

Next, he told you that his mother wants him to marry his cousin. You weren’t concerned about it because you were busy with your family issues, but two weeks before his marriage, you changed your mind and told him that you don’t want him to marry his cousin. He heard you and was willing to stop the marriage from taking place. He tried very hard but the cousin’s parents abused him and financially blackmailed him.

Highly distressed, he came up with a plan: he will go through the marriage ceremony but will not have physical intimacy with his cousin, to-be-wife. When he becomes financially secure (no longer vulnerable to the financial blackmail), he will then take his money, leave her and his whole family in Pakistan and move to Australia with you.

You are worried about your future with him in Australia, since he has no degree or work experience. You are depressed and have panic attacks.

Next, you wrote that he is lying to you. No mention of him lying to you before, but suddenly, there is.

Next, he is in a hospital, his face and upper body burned.

Am I correct so far? Let me know and I will write you more.

anita

January 27, 2017 at 9:25 am #126239

samira
Participant

yes absolutely

January 27, 2017 at 9:30 am #126240

samira
Participant

he lied so many times when we were in this relationship but i didnot care much at that time. but when he left for his marriage ceremony he texted he is with his friend and he is not talking with anyone in his family but i asked his czn brother he said everything is fine and we are enjoying this gathering and that my bf is sitting and laughing with his to be wife. from that day i was really upset but he denied these things and lied about his wedding night as well his father was not in hospital i asked his czn brother who had no idea that i am related to my bf he thought m some random girl who is talking to him on facebook

January 27, 2017 at 9:42 am #126242

Anonymous
Guest

Dear samira:

In this relationship, you were mean to him many times, mocking him, making fun of him. He helped you and your family financially and you reciprocated by being mean to him.

He asked you to marry him and you refused. You rejected his marriage proposals repeatedly until two weeks before his marriage ceremony was scheduled.

You described him as an honest, decent, loving and supportive man throughout your thread until two weeks before his scheduled wedding and since.

I don’t trust your perception or claims that he is a dishonest, lying man. It reads to me like you have been the abusive person in this relationship for a long, long time. When he dropped out of University, instead of supporting him, you mocked him. And even though he dropped out of University, he paid for your studies and helped financially with your brother and mother. And yet, you mocked him.

No, samira, I don’t think you are a victim here. No injustice was done to you. If there is injustice done in this relationship, reads to me like it was done to him by you. And he allowed it.

anita

January 27, 2017 at 10:15 am #126252

samira
Participant

hey anita
you are taking me wrong i mocked him when we were just friends i used to make fun of his over weight just to motivate him for gym if he supported me i also helped him in studies but he was not serious with his studies and career he was relying on his fathers money and thats why i rejected him again n again he was not doing anything productive with his life after dropping from university i took him so many times to make him talk with dean to resolve this matter but he didnt face anyone and wasted 2 more years without even thinking about business or job his parents wanted him to do busniness bt he was not serious how could i said yes. no one wants to be someone who is not serious abt life but his love and care kept me close he should have left me after engagemnet but he kept provoking me even before leaving for wedding he touched me evrywhere kissed everywhere now you tell me who is victim? i am still dying for him waiting for him bcz he made me crazy abt him

January 27, 2017 at 10:52 am #126256

Anonymous
Guest

Dear samira:

If he wasn’t doing anything with his life, how was he able to help you financially and pay for your studies in University and then, give you money to help your brother and mother- wasn’t he working and earning the money he gave you?

anita

January 27, 2017 at 11:30 am #126258

Nina Sakura
Participant

Dear Samira

He is married now. Nikah isnt a joke. He has a wife now and he is being unfaithful to her this way. You are continuing an affair with a married man by encouraging all this talk when you know the feelings are still there. He has helped you before in life and has a good heart despite his faults. Please have the good sense to let this go now. When his life is in order and he indeed obtains the divorce, associate with him again, start over. Don’t encourage this otherwise or you are destroying another girl’s life in the process too.

Regards
Nina

January 28, 2017 at 7:46 am #126275

Anonymous
Guest

Dear samira:

* In your last post you wrote: “i mocked him when we were just friends i used to make fun of his over weight just to motivate him for gym”-

It is wrong to mock a person for any reason. It was wrong of you to mock him because he was overweight, and it was wrong of you to mock him for the purpose of motivating him to go to the gym. That was not supportive of you, it was abusive behavior on your part, causing him harm. In the future, please do not mock people for any reason. If you ever have children, please do not mock them, for ANY reason.

* In your last post you wrote: “he touched me evrywhere kissed everywhere now you tell me who is victim?”

You chose to have sexual relations with him (it was still sexual relations without the intercourse itself)- you were not his victim because he didn’t force you. You were sexual with him voluntarily. Be responsible for your choices, your behavior.

* In your last post you wrote: “i am still dying for him waiting for him bcz he made me crazy abt him.”

You were not crazy enough about him to marry him when he offered it to you repeatedly. Now you are crazy because you lost control of him? Because now that he is married he is less likely to give you money for your needs, your brother’s and your mother’s? You lost a source of money, is that it?

anita
Author

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