I have lost the person who made me feel like a queen

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This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 2 months ago by Char’ Berry.

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September 11, 2014 at 9:00 pm #64790

nydia
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things have been a bit rough recently, i have been married for a year and i find that my husband and i fight constantly. right now he is not the person i met. he is a divorced father with three kids, his ex wife restrains his kids from seeing me, thus making my husband not spending much time with his kids and i know it frustrates him. we dont have a house of our own, we live with my parents, he has a good job and so do i. but moving out is not an option now if we want to save to build our own home. my mother is a cranky person, with plenty of mood swings, and i become the victim of her harshness. i have a 20 months old son. my husband used to be loving and kind and patient, nowadays i ask him a simple question and he gets angry. he calls me names like whore and insults me like am trash. once, he said hes sees no wife quality in me and wants a divorce, but he didnt go ahead with it. still, i forgive him and look past the hurtful words. but this week, he insulted me again and called me a whore, (mind you, ive never cheated on this man, nor even thought of it, for I love him very much and i respect him), and he degraded me with bad words, i was hurt and angry. so i read a few stories here and kinda felt better. but last night, i broke down, i couldnt be strong anymore, my mother was rude to me, she knew what has happened between me and my husband and she is never compassionate with me. i realized that the one person that made me feel safe and sane, is the same person that has left me naked for the worlds to see. i feel so alone, i have no one but my son. i try to find strength and courage in myself, but its not easy. i broke down in tears, i felt the pain of being alone. im trying to understand how can the one person whom i trusted, mistreat me to that extent,and yet, i chose to forgive, but this time, i feel the bitterness of the wound and i dnt know how to heal or how to move on from here. conversation with him regarding those things are impossible, he will be mad and throw insults at me again, and im avoiding that. i just dont know what to do 🙁

September 12, 2014 at 3:10 am #64796

crystie
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I think you need to give the relationship some time and space. If possible step out from the current scene, shift to new location or spend more time at your work. Something which could give him space to realize he is missing something too.

This should work. This worked almost all the times in my relationship.

September 12, 2014 at 4:57 am #64797

Inky
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I’m sorry you’re going through this!! Can you talk to him when he’s (ever) feeling good? Have an understanding, like, for every verbal insult you will take off with the baby for night and he will have to deal with mom.

Other option: Open a SEPERATE checking account and pour all your money into that and YOU move into YOUR apartment ASAP.

A terrible thought, but that which is based on reality: the more a man verbally abuses you, the more likely he will be to physically abuse you. Check out the Domestic Violence numbers and Women’s Shelters. They will help you get into a SAFE place, get a lawyer, find you a new home. I know you’re thinking “This is not for me”, and that this isn’t good news. But that is where it is headed unless he suddenly gets his head out of his azz.

September 12, 2014 at 5:26 am #64798
Anonymous
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Feel free to discount my opinion…
* The desire to save up for a good house is nice but at the cost of living with parents when you are an adult? In a way this is not fair to your parents, it is hard to have a adult child living with you. Before giving up on my marriage I would see how things are when we did not live in such a difficult situation. A “good home” of your own will not bring happiness, you can be happy in any home you have.
* We and our partners will have periods where we feel bad and are not loving
* Being called names and being put down will end with one of two options, set your boundaries, make them clear and hope he stops, or leave him. Only you can make that choice.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 2 months ago by Anonymous.
September 14, 2014 at 5:32 pm #64895

Char’ Berry
Participant

Hi Nydia!

First and foremost I am sorry that you are going through this. As for everything that’s going on within your marriage, it could definitely equate to you, your husband, and your son living with your parents. As of right now, I would suggest that you, your hubby, and your son move out of your parent’s home asap. This will only continue to put a damper in your relationship with your husband and the relationship with your mom as well. As a married couple, you both should definitely be out on your own. There’s no privacy for you and your husband at your parent’s house. Also, speaking from experience, a husband likes to feel that he’s taking care of his wife and providing her with the best life possible and he can’t do that if you’re living with your parents. He doesn’t have anything to “call HIS home with his wife”. Finding an apartment or even a house to rent will still be a great start and you can from there start saving money for your dream home together. Once you make this step and this decision, this will definitely ease up some of the stress that he’s going through. I’m not using that as an excuse for him to call you names and to degrade you but men have a really hard time really expressing their feelings. Also, this would be a question for you as well as it takes to imperfect people to make a marriage work if they both are willing to put in the word, what are some things that you have been doing lately to help uplift your hubby? Even if you don’t feel like he’s doing anything to uplift you at all at this point because of everything that’s going on, when you start doing things to uplift him, he’s more capable of returning the favor. This might sound crazy but with men, we have to “cater” to them in a way that triggers them to feel loved, just as we require the same in order for us to feel safe, on the same page, and like the relationship is blossoming. These are a few suggestions in my opinion but I would love to talk with you more if you want to regarding this and how you can start getting your marriage back on the right track. If this is something that you would love to discuss with me, you can email. Send lots of love your way and praying for you and your hubby and your son as well.
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