Hello all,

I have been in a relationship with a guy that lied to me about a number of things upon meeting in which I discovered the truth about a month and a half ago. He had been in the process of getting a divorce and was still heavily communicating with his wife. He said they had gotten married in another country and wanted to get a divorce decree in the US, (so technically they were already divorced?) I have no idea if this is even possible or if theres any truth to what he was forced into revealing to me. When we were dating he was very controlling and manipulative. Throughout our relationship he was angry and on edge, I now know that he was experiencing depression. I assume the depression began upon his wife, ex-wife filing for divorce. He said he told his ex to file for divorce after she cheated on him (which sounds very much like a lie). He never said he was depressed but I have had my own experiences with depression and anxiety so I knew he was going through a rough time but I assumed it was work related stress/pressure.

He never shared any details of his very obvious ongoing relationship with this woman and tried his hardest to keep his communication with her and his past a secret. What is he hiding, I often ask myself. In short, I broke things off but agreed shortly after to try and work things out. He said he would prove that he could be different. Whatever the heck that meant! He hasn’t proved a thing. He never mentioned the divorce, whether things had been finalized or not and I was afraid to ask. He refused to discuss this. He told me he was ill and had a tumor that had to be removed before he deployed in the next two months?! I definitely believe he used these chain of events to make me feel horrible about leaving him when he was “going through so much”.

He has deployed and I agreed to support him in any way that I could but the resentment has resurfaced and when we’ve been communicating lately, of course he’s distant and the communication is brief so I get angry. But not because I am needy or not situationally aware but because I resent him leaving without having the hard conversation we needed to have, I needed to have! I was so concerned about his feelings that I ignored my own. He has never been very supportive, his support comes in waves, as long as I’m sending him pictures, telling him I love him etc he is nice. When I don’t make him feel like he is the greatest man to ever walk the earth, he accuses me of cheating, threatens to cheat or says things that are very hurtful. He’s been quite pleasant since we’ve been a part but then again we rarely speak. I would very much like to be in a healthy, equal partnership where theres trust, mutual respect and love but it seems impossible with this guy. How can I be an enthusiastic, loving, caring, supportive partner during this time? I’m hesitant to send him any mail because I honestly feel like he wouldn’t appreciate it (I have made kind gestures in the past and they have gone under appreciated, he has literally thrown away things i have given him, the same day, cards with notes which were heartfelt and meant a lot to me when I wrote them). I asked him if he needed/wanted anything specific and he said, “For you to not freak out on me.” I don’t expect him to ever understand my perspective. He’s crossed so many boundaries with me and I have allowed this. I don’t trust him, I don’t know why we are together…why I stay with this guy

I have spiraled into a deep depression and have yet to truly recover. Every day is a huge struggle to get out of bed, look in the mirror and take on the day. I feel out of control because I allowed this person to strip me of my self-worth. My self esteem is non existent and most days I feel miserable. I decided to see a therapist and this helps but I really wish I never got myself into this mess. Reading what I have just typed is scary because I sound pitiful, brainwashed. Any thoughts?