I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.

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    Where do I even begin? I have never written anything like this before. Nor have I ever posted to a forum. I don’t even know where to start, but I suppose, like every story, you should start at the beginning. I’ll call this “The Very Recent Destruction of What was My Life.”

    This all started on Valentine’s Day when my ex-girlfriend (who I thought was the love of my life) broke up with me via a text message. That’s not a joke. She really did that. Naturally, my heart was completely shattered. This had come at the most inconvenient of times too. I was in my clinical rotations of PA (grad) school. At that point, I was exhausted and living on auto pilot. My routine was a daily 10-12 hour shift followed by studying, sleeping as much as I could, and waking up to repeat this on an already empty gas tank. I had no friends, my eating habits were a joke, and I woke up hating my life everyday. Mentally, I was being beaten down every other shift by senior residents and the attending doctors. The weight of that break up and how it was conducted drove me over the edge I was barely hanging onto. The next thing I knew, I was being admitted to an inpatient psychiatric facility for suicidal ideations, depression, anxiety and work related exhaustion. All the while, my grades begin to slip and I was placed on academic hold. Over the next few months, I saw numerous therapists and psychiatrists and started taking a combination of antidepressants just to stabilize myself. It was during that time, amidst the chaos, that I realized my life was on a track that I never intended it to be on and I was utterly lost. I had no purpose. Hell, I am still figuring it out.

    Here are 3 things I actually wrote and posted online throughout all of this in the hopes that someone would see and help me. How? I don’t know. But I felt that empty and desperate enough that I wasn’t even embarrassed anymore to share my pain.

    1. To my ex: I wanted to be your wife. I wanted to be the mother of your child. I wanted you to want me. I wanted to be enough. I wanted you to fight for me.

    2. Describing my anxiety: I feel so sick. My heart literally hurts. I want to throw up. I’m not okay. My emotions are so overwhelmingly strong I can’t handle anything. I’m just so sad. I wish I could shoot myself in the chest and kill my heart so I wouldn’t have to feel everything so intensely. Why am I like this? There is something wrong. This is crippling. People shouldn’t feel this sick inside. I feel so weak. There are moments where it feels hard just to breathe, just to be, because feeling alive is so painful. I feel terrified in those moments and I just want to run away to be in complete solitude. I feel like I’m going to die, that’s how scared I feel. I feel like I can’t move. I feel paralyzed

    3. What the hell have I been doing? : I’m 27 years old and I’m realizing that I have never truly been happy. My life is at the most significant crossroad I’ve ever encountered. I’ve just given up the security of a good job and a safe routine. I don’t even know what the next day will bring. My life is essentially a giant mess right now. And I have been programmed by society to fear all of the uncertainty that I’m about to face. Everything that I’ve come to believe as being the truth just feels like a big lie. I feel like I’ve wasted my life, being stuck on autopilot, not knowing what I want or who I am. And I am tired. I want to live. I want to be free and experience true beauty. I want to love, wholeheartedly and deeply, even recklessly. I want to travel. I don’t want to spend another second doing what people say I should do.

    So here I am: a grad school dropout, single and continuing my uphill battle with depression and anxiety. I guess the point of me sharing this is to see if there are any people who have any advice as to what I should or what you did when you felt this lost. Or you could just share your story. I feel so alone

    Recently I’ve taken steps to find myself. There are many dark days still, I will admit, but I’ve started to see that I’ve got to live for and love the most important person in my life — myself. I’ve been eating vegan for a month, started playing the ukulele, and I am trying my best to getting outside and do activities, mostly alone, but I have always been an earthy person who found serenity in solitude while amongst the elements…and it is a start, right?

    Rose Tattoo

    Ugh. That sounds incredibly hard. There’s a post on Tiny Buddha about what to do when your life falls apart that I wrote under a different pseudonym, if you want to read it. I had my life fall apart as well, about 2 years ago, and I’m not going to say it wasn’t hard to recover, but I did it. It sounds like you’re doing the right thing: caring for yourself even when you don’t feel like it, putting your life into a less stressful bywater so that you can focus on healing, and reconsidering your path. You’re young (half as old as I am), and I know that seems like a trite thing to say, but it does mean a lot when you’re my age. If you listen to yourself – which it sounds like you’re doing – then this time may prove to be just what you need to put your life on a track that will be more fulfilling to you. One thing I had to keep reminding myself was that everything that’s come before was not a “waste”. I lost a career that I had spent 17 years building. It felt like I had wasted that time, but now I know that the skills and experiences I had will be useful in my life going forward. The same is true of you – you may be a “dropout” (for now), but those skills haven’t gone away because you changed your path. They can still be useful in creating a new future for yourself.

    I h0pe you can continue to take solace in nature and self-care and music.

    Big hugs to you –


    Thank you very much. Of course I would like to read anything that will help gain some type of clarity. I appreciate your advice. It is very difficult looking back at the past 4 months of life and not feeling like a total failure, but I’m just focusing on putting one foot in front of the other and finding inner peace. I’ve ignored myself for so long, it’s like I’m meeting a whole new person. Everyday I learn something about myself I never knew.


    Dear Cruzzie:

    How articulate you are: I like your writing very much, very honest, straightforward.

    I was wondering: did you abandon the PA route or is it on hold, perhaps to be continued later?

    I read your newer thread about van dwelling- I suppose you are thinking of traveling or just avoiding living the conventional life of living in a rented apartment?

    I am thinking that you are in a time of reevaluating your life, what it should be about, not about social conventions, what others think you should do, but what you think you should do, or not do; how you choose to live your life.

    I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.



    Hi Cruzzie…

    When I read your post it was like reading my sister, about a situation she lived years ago…. So I’m going to tell you her story…

    My sister was gay in a Latin American country, I’m not saying is not hard to be gay anywhere but in Latin American is incredibly hard, anyways she being gay wasn’t the issue… but to understand my sister you have to understand she went through years of bullying in school that went along with years of therapy as well.

    So… my sister is very unique, she might seemed happy but i know she wasn’t the thing is after a bad breakup she tried to kill herself… and ended up in a coma for 9 days… she said afterwards that she can remember exactly how everyone visited her, how people talked to her but the thing about this is I saw her reach the bottom and then I saw her come back.

    After that event my sister realized something and was that life was what she wanted it to be, it took her one year to finish school and move to Australia, went to grad school, and nowadays is a successful wife and filmmaker living in the US.

    She didn’t do anything specific… she just changed her view of life… things stopped bothering her, I know is hard but let’s take an example… if you want to eat a pizza you go eat the pizza, pretty much the rest is exactly the same, if you want to love someone you’ll look for someone to love, the important thing is that the fact that what you want is not with you right now it doesn’t mean you’re not going to have it, it just mean you don’t have it yet…

    Just so you know it’s been 13 years since she tried that… and she hasn’t gone back to therapy or being depressed, So i guess what i’m saying is… this will pass and you’ll make it pass and you’ll come out way better than before.



    Thank you Anita!

    You calling my writing “articulate” comes as a total surprise, but I appreciate it. (:  Writing was never anything I’ve felt very good at or comfortable with…but here I am, lol. And to answer your question — I completely resigned from school. Idk if I will go back. Honestly, my life feels so unstable right now I know I wouldn’t even be able to handle another program if I were to jump back into it. It does makes me feel sad to know that I spent so much time working hard and I couldn’t make it through though.  As far as the van dwelling, I just find it interesting that people can just decide to let go and really, truly live in the moment. I’m extremely interested in traveling around, especially now that I literally have nothing else to lose. I just want to find something you know…maybe just myself. Plus, it just looks like fun! I guess I’m not conventional…a lot of societal norms DO NOT make sense to me. Like I don’t understand the point nor do I believe there is a ‘right way’ to live. And I don’t know what I want or what I am supposed to be doing so I need, most importantly, to figure that out…


    Thank you Manuel,

    I am sorry that your sister had to go through that, BUT I am glad she is safe and living a happier life now. Thank you so much for sharing. Stories like that are amazing. When I read about people turning things around, its just hard for me to recognize that I have the same strength to do it for myself…I am working on that. I want to believe that things will get better, the hard part is knowing that they will and actually believing. My depression and anxiety aren’t something new, they have always kind of been with me. They cloud my mind and I get stuck in negative patterns of thinking ALL THE TIME. I appreciate the advice. I will think about your sister’s journey and try to remind myself that I’m just waiting to come out the other side, a better and stronger person.


    Dear Cruzzie:

    You are welcome. Maybe one day you will continue school, but not now and not anytime soon. It is time for you to figure out your life, and that is quite exciting. Figure out what of societal conventions make sense to you and what does not. Some make sense, it is not all-or-nothing. You figure it out, you decide.

    A lot of it doesn’t make sense to me, a whole lot. Lots of people pay a heavy price (you have) for blindly following societal conventions. There are people who work hard for decades, distressed and discontent,  for the purpose of retiring one day and then living a calm and content life, only they get there, to the conventionally determined age of retirement, and the conventionally agreed upon financial situation fitting retirement and …. it turns out to be a disaster: being distressed for decades is not something they can turn off because of the conventional age and financial retirement package and the payoff of a lifetime of distress never happens.

    Van traveling sounds good to me, the adventure of it, going places you will not otherwise go to, meeting people you will not otherwise meet, having your own schedule. Whatever you choose to do, pay attention to your experiences, learn, relearn, take your time doing it.


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