Dear M:

I will read and reply in a few hours.

anita

Dear M:

You shared that you are tired of living and talking about the following: your darkness, fear, anxiety, walking on eggshells, living in the past or future, isolating, hiding from people, feeling like a burden, seeing a (positive) change that is too slow, and living in pain for too long.

“I’m tired to be alone with this pain. Tired of being alone even I’m surrounded by people that I know they love me and support me but I can’t surrender to their presence… tired to apologize to be alive.. to being too much for people…  apologize for my desire, needs and wants, apologize to being in the same room’ –

– you say that you are surrounded by people who love and support you, but what is the price that you are paying for their love and support?  Does the price includes Walking on eggshells in their presence, Hiding your desires, needs and wants from them, and Apologizing to them for being there and for being too much… for them?

If their love and support come at the price of your mental health, then it’s not a good deal for you.

You want to live in the present, to laugh, to connect with people, “to Flow with life… to wake up to new wonder… to be inspired, to be motivated” –

– the beginning to all this may be (?) to no longer be surrounded by the same people. Not all that appears like love is love. False love stops the flow of life and keeps one stuck in the same-old, same-old tiring experience of life. True love encourages the flow of life and inspires waking up to a new wonder.

anita

Dear M:

“I am no longer in contact with my family, I cut ties years ago” – congratulations for making the right choice for yourself!

“still stuck with the old program and I’m tired of it” – your parents are out of your life but their voices are very much present in your life: they have mental representatives who say and do to you what the real-life originals did: “slap (you) in the face.. put (you) down on knees.. yelled.. punished”; misinterpreting your words, expressions and acts the wrong way, not as you intended, not caring to hear or see who you really are, not wanting your authentic self around.

Living with these mental reps, you are still, predominantly, reacting to them in the same ways: scared, anxious, distrusting, sad and tired of the same-old-same-old.

Am I understanding correctly?

anita

Dear M:

I ended all contact with my mother for years but her mental rep did her bidding in her absence. I am glad to report that her mental rep has been incapacitated for some time, not necessarily 100% but close, closer than ever. I can share with you how that came to be, if you want. It will help me to not overshare if you tell me in what ways you have tried (in therapy and elsewhere) to silence or render your parents’ mental reps incapacitated.

anita

Dear M:

“The problem with counseling is that it’s just talks.. You just talk about it over and over” –

My first quality psychotherapy experience took place in 2011. My therapist was very professional about his job. First, following a few long sessions, he diagnosed me, then he came up with Treatment Objectives and a Treatment Plan, which he revised and updated over time. He gave me homework assignments after every session and checked my homework in the next session (or online/ phone in between the sessions).

He applied cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)- his specialty, with dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) and Mindfulness. The homework assignments included exercises in any of these three disciplines. Regarding Mindfulness, my homework consisted of listening to guided meditations of his choosing, one every single day. Mindfulness is essential when it comes to (gradually, over time) silencing those abusive mental reps in our brains.

How was your counseling/ therapy experience in comparison to what I described above and what is your experience with Mindfulness?

anita

Dear M:

“I would like so much to feel my heart instead of being in my head” – I remember having had this experience in a yoga class: holding on postures and focusing on my body- as I was holding a posture for long enough- was like taking an elevator from my over-thinking brain down to my body. The postures made it necessary for me to remove my focus from Thinking => Body. It was a relaxing and refreshing break!

I can’t think (and I have a history of thinking A LOT) of any other way to feel your body and heart than to focus on your body while doing some exercise that requires such focus.

“I would like to… feel from my soul instead of being trapped in this tiring game of the depression” – how about a swim in the pool, the cold water can awaken you from your depression, at least for a while; it can invigorate, refresh and energize you. Depression cannot be solved passively (ex.,  reading a book, searching the internet, sitting, talking, lying down, ). It requires daily physical activity to wake up from daily depression.

anita