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I hope its the last time

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  • #402011
    M
    Participant

    I hope its the last time. I am tired to live with my darkness and tired to share it. Tired to live in fear and anxiety. Tired to walk on eggshell. I want to be present in my life in the moment not in the future not in the past. I am hoping is the last time because I am tired to feel that is only thing I have to talk about. I want to replace this darkness with memories and laughters. I want to connect with people without my darkness being present. I am tired to reach out to talk about my darkness. I am tired to isolate, to hide, to feel like a burden. Tired of the tears, tired of the tingling sensation of anxiety and fear, the shorten of breath, the heart shaking in fear of something isn’t existing. I want to feel my heart and hear what it want to tell me instead of wanting it to be shut down for good. Tired of my chatterbox. I want to heal this pain but I am tired to wait to see the change happening. Its already happening but to slowly.  its been to long in this pain, to long to wait for thing to change. I dont want anymore to reach out and grab out things that is in my way like a flotsam in the ocean. I want them coming organically and naturally to me. People, money, adventures, love, friendship, smiles, conversation. I dont want to be passive but neither active, I want to flow with Life. I want to wake up to the rhythm of the day, wake up to new wonder. I hope is the last time I have to share my darkness because I know it have more in me and I dont want to be dying with the feeling that people will know only that part of me. Im tired! Im tired of the cycle that bring me back in this darkness. It doesn’t serve anymore and Im tired of carrying it. Im tired to be alone with this pain. Tired to be alone even Im surrounded by people that I know they love me and support me but I can’t surrender to their presence. Im tired! Tired to apologize to be alive, apologize for sharing my darkness, apologize to be to much for people, apologize for my sadness, apologize for my desire, needs and wants, apologize to be in the same room.Tired! to talk, to breath, to be inspired, to be motivated, just tired of being tired! where is my fire? I hope is the last time…

    #402013
    anita
    Participant

    Dear M:

    I will read and reply in a few hours.

    anita

    #402016
    anita
    Participant

    Dear M:

    “I am tired to reach out to talk about my darkness” – have you shared here, in these forums, about your darkness? I clicked on your screen name and this is the only thread on record. Is it that you shared about your darkness in other online sites?

    “I don’t want to be dying with the feeling that people will know only that part of me… where is my fire?” – you are welcomed to make your light and fire known, here in your thread.

    I will re-read your original post and anything you may add to it tomorrow morning, when I am more focused and reply further.

    anita

    #402018
    M
    Participant

    Hello Anita!

    I never shared online (only with people around me or counsellor) and I dont know why I shared it here and I dont know what I’m looking for by writing this post. I just dont want the darkness be part of my life anymore and I feel I’m losing battle. Maybe my story could be a lighthouse for someone whom their boat it still not has in disrepair as mine. I dont know! Im tired! I dont know where I need to be. I am tired, I just want to be my own best friend. I dont want to depend on others anymore. Im tired, broke, have a home but not feeling home inside of myself, inside of my physical house. I can’t do it anymore living in constant cycle between yeah! and “nobody loves me”. This not a life!

    #402019
    anita
    Participant

    Dear M:

    You can be your own best friend! In the context of this thread, I can be your friend, and help you be your own best friend. I’ll be back to your thread in about 10 hours from now.

    anita

    #402032
    anita
    Participant

    Dear M:

    You shared that you are tired of living and talking about the following: your darkness, fear, anxiety, walking on eggshells, living in the past or future, isolating, hiding from people, feeling like a burden, seeing a (positive) change that is too slow, and living in pain for too long.

    “I’m tired to be alone with this pain. Tired of being alone even I’m surrounded by people that I know they love me and support me but I can’t surrender to their presence… tired to apologize to be alive.. to being too much for people…  apologize for my desire, needs and wants, apologize to being in the same room’ –

    – you say that you are surrounded by people who love and support you, but what is the price that you are paying for their love and support?  Does the price includes Walking on eggshells in their presence, Hiding your desires, needs and wants from them, and Apologizing to them for being there and for being too much… for them?

    If their love and support come at the price of your mental health, then it’s not a good deal for you.

    You want to live in the present, to laugh, to connect with people, “to Flow with life… to wake up to new wonder… to be inspired, to be motivated” –

    – the beginning to all this may be (?) to no longer be surrounded by the same people. Not all that appears like love is love. False love stops the flow of life and keeps one stuck in the same-old, same-old tiring experience of life. True love encourages the flow of life and inspires waking up to a new wonder.

    anita

    #402036
    M
    Participant

    They don’t force to walk on eggshell or isolating myself. Its only an old program I can’t ride off. I was never be able to be myself in the house I grow up. I always had to tiptoe around the sound, to not a sound because I will slap in the face or be put down on knees for sometimes. I never knew how my mom will react or my dad. I had to make myself invisible to not bother them. They didn’t want me around and therefore I never been seen or heard. Everything was always interpreted in the wrong way. So now Im walking on the eggshell, grasping and holding so tight the little I have, fear of losing it. I am afraid to surrender to my friendship and let it be and see where it will takes me because I’m afraid to be fully present, Im afraid to show my authentic self because I dont know if it would be loved, afraid to be hurt again, to be yelled at, to be punished. Its not their problem, they want to see me happy. I know it something good in me otherwise they want have stick with me for so many years. I am no longer in contact with my family, I cut ties years ago and its better that way and I put a lot of distances with them but now I’m here going through the motion still stuck with the old program and I’m tired of it.

     

    #402038
    anita
    Participant

    Dear M:

    “I am no longer in contact with my family, I cut ties years ago” – congratulations for making the right choice for yourself!

    “still stuck with the old program and I’m tired of it” – your parents are out of your life but their voices are very much present in your life: they have mental representatives who say and do to you what the real-life originals did: “slap (you) in the face.. put (you) down on knees.. yelled.. punished”; misinterpreting your words, expressions and acts the wrong way, not as you intended, not caring to hear or see who you really are, not wanting your authentic self around.

    Living with these mental reps, you are still, predominantly, reacting to them in the same ways: scared, anxious, distrusting, sad and tired of the same-old-same-old.

    Am I understanding correctly?

    anita

    #402040
    M
    Participant

    Yep! that’s pretty much it.

     

    #402041
    anita
    Participant

    Dear M:

    I ended all contact with my mother for years but her mental rep did her bidding in her absence. I am glad to report that her mental rep has been incapacitated for some time, not necessarily 100% but close, closer than ever. I can share with you how that came to be, if you want. It will help me to not overshare if you tell me in what ways you have tried (in therapy and elsewhere) to silence or render your parents’ mental reps incapacitated.

    anita

    #402045
    M
    Participant

    I would have to hear please. I have met 2 counselors and did some work on my co dependency but it still have some lingering here and there. The problem with counseling is that it just talks but nothing change, nothing moves, nothing get release. You just talk about it over and over, changes some words, but you still wake up one morning,  still feeling like hell,  or waking up one day to realizing that the last week or the last month, you repeated the old program and upset your friend and you don’t realize it’s done. It’s so tiring. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I move that energy to where it’s worth to spend my energy. Connecting with myself with authentic self, my higher self, connecting with humans to deeper meaningful way.

    #402048
    anita
    Participant

    Dear M:

    “The problem with counseling is that it’s just talks.. You just talk about it over and over” –

    My first quality psychotherapy experience took place in 2011. My therapist was very professional about his job. First, following a few long sessions, he diagnosed me, then he came up with Treatment Objectives and a Treatment Plan, which he revised and updated over time. He gave me homework assignments after every session and checked my homework in the next session (or online/ phone in between the sessions).

    He applied cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)- his specialty, with dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) and Mindfulness. The homework assignments included exercises in any of these three disciplines. Regarding Mindfulness, my homework consisted of listening to guided meditations of his choosing, one every single day. Mindfulness is essential when it comes to (gradually, over time) silencing those abusive mental reps in our brains.

    How was your counseling/ therapy experience in comparison to what I described above and what is your experience with Mindfulness?

    anita

    #402247
    M
    Participant

    I tried a lot of counselling overtime but only one really impacted me. She had helped me with codependency (which still coming to the surface from time to time ) and story with my family. She had also gave some homework and book to read. I have great respect for her. But the following few never reach that level. Im practicing mediation every morning for last half year as a daily routine and I am more aware of the game of my ego. I would like so much to feel my heart instead of being in my head. To see instead of being blended by the clusters of my brain. To feel from my soul instead of being trap in this tiring game of the depression. some day!

    #402249
    anita
    Participant

    Dear M:

    “I would like so much to feel my heart instead of being in my head” – I remember having had this experience in a yoga class: holding on postures and focusing on my body- as I was holding a posture for long enough- was like taking an elevator from my over-thinking brain down to my body. The postures made it necessary for me to remove my focus from Thinking => Body. It was a relaxing and refreshing break!

    I can’t think (and I have a history of thinking A LOT) of any other way to feel your body and heart than to focus on your body while doing some exercise that requires such focus.

    “I would like to… feel from my soul instead of being trapped in this tiring game of the depression” – how about a swim in the pool, the cold water can awaken you from your depression, at least for a while; it can invigorate, refresh and energize you. Depression cannot be solved passively (ex.,  reading a book, searching the internet, sitting, talking, lying down, ). It requires daily physical activity to wake up from daily depression.

    anita

    #402436
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, M?

    anita

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