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I hurt him and can’t forgive myself.

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  • #370175
    GonzalezM
    Participant

    Hello everyone, hope you are doing well. I’ve been with my ex for 2 years recently I did something out of my character on Thanksgiving, and ended things with my ex. That day I woke up feeling tore and lonely.  Our relationship that we had was nice sometimes, others it was lonely and confusing. There where times when we would not see each other for a week or speak to each other for days. I would call him to check up on him and to see how he was doing, sometimes he would not answer nor call me back. That being that I live down street where he works at. He would always say I was tired, or he wasn’t ignoring me. I though maybe I am asking for too much, maybe I am being a little too needy.  Every holiday for 2 years of being together he had never invited me to their events, I always made comments like “am I getting invited to dinner” or ” will I meet you family this time”, it was always an excuse. Nor for those holidays did he call nor texted happy thanksgiving, merry xmas, or happy new years.  I had met his parents 2 times, but very brief. I wanted to interact with them get to know them to see who were the parents that brought up the man that I love. For past three-weeks had been rough I felt him pushing me away, I felt like I was making the effort to make something work so badly. What kind of relationship is that?  I used to work at restaurant when we first met and it was Christmas Eve and he took a girl that he had been dating for a few months to eat to church and he brought them around his family, because he even said that his mother asked him why he never brought her around. All I could think about, “why haven’t you took me around? I want to meet your mom, get to know your family”; he loves his mother, that is his role model. Couple of weeks back he had mentioned going to a friends wedding and I asked him “why didn’t you take me with you” and he said that it was per invitation. I never met his friends. If I stated how I felt he said “it was never enough for me” or “I was bipolar/ crazy”. I would find myself questioning myself if I was or not. As time passed, all I could think that maybe it was because he was embarrassed  of me, his last girlfriend was African American and she was gorgeous had her life together. I am Hispanic. I thought maybe his family wants different for him.  That thanksgiving I broke up, I drank and I cried because I realized that he would never love me the way I love him. I know is not excuse, but I felt so much hurt and I felt like I poured my heart to him and he crushed it. I texted him, and I told him that ” I had finally understood. He could finally find himself a nice black girl that his parents would approve of” and I went on to say “that I knew were my place was at” and “that I tried showing him that I loved him and he did not”. I acted crazy and called him a so many times, but not once did he answer to my call nor text. I wanted an explanation of why he had treated me this sort of way for 2 years. I felt horrible when I sent the first message, who was I? I was just so angry and hurt, because I felt humiliated and taken advantage of which is the most horrible feeling to carry with you everyday. I apologized to him the next day asked him that I did not want to end things like this, but he did not respond. I cant forgive myself, I feel like the worst human being ever for saying that to him and specially on thanksgiving. I love him and hoped to marry him one day, but those desires faded away. These couple of last days have been ache my heart, because I don’t think I am bad person, but of I make mistakes. I just can seem to forgive myself, and keep going in circles how I handled things. How I hurt him with my comments.

    #370182
    anita
    Participant

    Dear GonzalezM:

    You wrote today that you’ve been with this man for 2 years, so I am thinking it is the same man you posted about a year and a half ago, in May 2019.

    On that thread, you shared that you come from an abusive home and that you were married to an abusive man, “but luckily he left”. In May 2019, you were working in the same workplace, but in a different department, from this man who was “well invested in his career”. You fell deeply in love with him, but there were days without speaking to him at all. You felt ignored and expressed to him that you want more of his attention. He responded that he had priorities. At one point he told you that you hurt him, and you decided to back away. You “agreed to a break” and you felt that you “ruined the relationship”.

    Today, you shared that this man works close to where you live (you no longer work at his workplace?). On Thanksgiving you “woke up feeling tore and lonely” about your relationship with this man, a relationship that was “nice sometimes, others it was lonely and confusing”. There were times during the relationship that you didn’t see him or speak to him for days or a week. You used to call him and sometimes he didn’t answer or call you back. He told you that he was tired, or that he was not ignoring you.

    You never met his friends. You met his parents briefly twice, but he never invited you to dinner/ holidays with his family, even though you expressed to him that you wanted to meet his family. He didn’t even call  or text you Happy Thanksgiving in 2019 or in 2020, nor did he wish you Merry Christmas or Happy New Year in 2019. Two weeks ago he mentioned to you that he attended a friends’ wedding, a wedding that he didn’t invite you to attend with him.

    Early on, he told you that he dated a woman for a few months, and his mother (“he loves his mother, that is his role model”) asked him “why ne never brought her around”, so he brought her to church and to meet his family. You were upset about why he didn’t take you to meet his family.

    When you told him how you felt, his response was to tell you that you were “bipolar/ crazy”, and that “it was never enough” for you. You considered that maybe he behaved in these ways because he was embarrassed of you: his last girlfriend was African American, gorgeous and “had her life together”; you were Hispanic, and that maybe he felt that you were not what his family wanted for him.

    This most recent Thanksgiving, realizing “he would never love me the way I love him”, feeling “humiliated and taken advantage of which is the most horrible feeling to carry with you everyday”, you “broke up.. drank.. cried.. texted him.. acted crazy and called him so many times”. He did not answer your calls and texts.

    The next day, you apologized to him, but he did not respond. This is how you currently feel: “I can’t forgive myself, I feel like the worst human being ever.. I don’t think I am a bad person, but I make mistakes. I just can’t seem to forgive myself, and keep going in circles how I handled things. How I hurt him with my comments”-

    – My input today:

    1. I am sorry that you are suffering and have been suffering for so long. I hope you feel better soon, that you learn from your experience with this man and make better choices in the future, choices that will lead you to a better life.

    2. You didn’t mention any hurtful or abusive comments that you made to him, so I don’t understand what comments you are referring to (?)

    3. Reads to me that your relationship with this man, on his part, was a friends with benefits arrangement, a relationship based on him being with you sexually at his convenience, when and where he wanted, no commitment, perhaps (?) no dating in public, such as going to a restaurant together. But on your part it was a relationship you hoped would lead to marriage (“I love him and hoped to marry him one day”). So, there seems to be a huge gap between what the relationship was for him, and what it was for you.

    4. He accused you of being “bipolar/ crazy”- let’s say that you really shift from let’s say, being very nice and loving -> to being angry and hostile, let’s say from time to time you called and texted him many times a day, in quick succession, leaving him emotional, accusatory messages, etc.- if this was true, then he was very cruel to you, taking advantage of you sexually while ignoring your valid emotional needs. His cruel and inconsiderate behaviors with you can only make your mental health worse.

    In other words, if you really did behave in crazy ways, it means not that you ruined the relationship; it means that he was a bad man who took advantage of a vulnerable woman.

    5. In both threads you were troubled by the idea that you ruined the relationship, and in today’s thread, you feel like the worst person in the world, even though you tell yourself that you are not a bad person. I am guessing that this feeling of being a bad person started in the abusive home where you grew up. I imagine that you were abused there and, like children do, you took responsibility for that abuse, believing that you were a bad girl who deserved that abuse. Am I correct?

    anita

     

    #370228
    GonzalezM
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    • Yes, he is the same person. We hardly ever argued, and when we did, it was because he said I nagged to the point I would keep it bottled in just, because I did not want to argue or him get the idea I was not grateful. Although, that day that I got drunk on Thanksgiving, I said ” he could finally find himself a nice black girl”, I  didn’t mean it to sound so cruel and those words sounded so hurtful, specially via text message. I just felt he was embarrassed of me since the previous women he dated were brought around his family, were African American. I have never acted out like that towards someone I care about, but that day I felt used and humiliated. Yes, he would take me out to eat here and there, but I had to ask even beg.  He would say I was bipolar after I would state my opinion. For example, I would ask was going on or that if I never called him he would not make the effort then he would go on to say that I “nothing was ever good enough or he was not s***, or he would say I was bipolar or I was extra”. Was it bad for stating your feelings? But yes you are correct, that is how I am feeling and I am trying to forgive myself for expressing myself since I wouldn’t allow myself stand up for myself. I only wanted to be loved and appreciated that I was forcing something to work that I knew deep down that relationship had no future. Yet, I cannot stop thinking that it is my fault and I deserved it. Is this normal? Was it all my fault? Am I this cruel human being?
    #370232
    anita
    Participant

    Dear GonazlezM:

    The text you sent him doesn’t sound “so cruel” or “so hurtful” to me. It doesn’t sound to me like a hurtful or cruel text, given the context.

    Seems to me that you are suffering from strong feelings of guilt for what you are not guilty for. When you are relatively calm, you can, if you choose to- respond to my input # 5, at the end of my previous reply to you.

    anita

     

    #370245
    GonzalezM
    Participant

    Anita,

    Yes, I did come from an abusive home. So, yes sometimes I feel like I deserve it. My father passed away when I was 2 years old. When he passed away my mother moved me back to Mexico with my grandparents and she moved back to Texas to work. It was hard for me when I needed her, but when she would come back all I have are bad memories. Moments where she would beat me to the point I would urinate myself. One of the most traumatic even was when she tried killing us both in her car. It hurts while I type this, but al I can remember was her saying how God had punished her by having me as a child and how much she regret having me. I have forgave my mother, but I can’t forget. That is something that still struggle with and i am seeking help for it.

    #370250
    anita
    Participant

    Dear GonzalezM:

    I am so sorry to read how much you suffered as a child, and onward. Some of your story regarding your mother reminds me of my mother, threatening to kill.. me or her. Lots of histrionic drama. I want to reply to you further Tuesday morning, in about 14 hours from now. You are welcome to add anything that might be relevant before I return.

    anita

    #370253
    GonzalezM
    Participant

    It has a rough growing up, wishing my father was here. I always thought maybe if I would of stayed with my grandparents I would of had a different life, not so much pain and tears. I find myself crying myself by self and I think to myself it’s this how life is suppose to be? Thank you for listening and hearing me out. I just feel like people are cruel and they take advantage of you. I know I allowed it and I want to change to love myself. Learn to one day find happiness within myself and not depend on no one else.

    #370301
    anita
    Participant

    Dear GonzalezM:

    You shared that when you were 2, your father passed away, and your mother moved you back to Mexico to live with your grandparents, while she returned to Texas to work. Separated from your mother, you needed her, but all your memories from the times she was with you “are bad memories. Moments where she would beat me to the point I would urinate myself”. Once she “tried killing us both in her car”, saying “how God had punished her by having me as a child, and how much she regret having me”.

    My input: a young child automatically believes what her mother says, especially if the mother says something with great emotion in her voice and face. When you heard your mother say with great emotion,  that God punished her for having you as a child- you believed her.

    It means that you believed that you are a punishment: something bad, hurtful (causing pain to others), undesirable.

    Fast forward, you were in some sort of a relationship with this man, he treated you badly.. but you believe that you deserve being treated badly. When you expressed your anger and frustration just a bit (the text), you felt that you are a horrible person, as if you did something terrible.

    I am guessing that if you express anything less than positive to a person- you feel like you hurt that person terribly, and that when you make a mistake, you think that the mistake is proof of what a terrible person you are, and a punishment to those who allegedly get hurt from your.. alleged badness.

    “I have forgave my mother, but I can’t forget”- you can’t forget yet what she taught you at that traumatic event, and at other times: that you are a punishment, something bad, something deserving of being beaten, someone unforgivable.

    Reality is that your mother was disturbed and severely irresponsible. Her disturbance and irresponsibility was not about of who you were, but about who she was. She did you a terrible wrong, a wrong that you did not deserve. You were an innocent, good little girl.

    Fast forward- the good little girl is still in you, wanting to be seen as the good girl that she was from the beginning. It will be painful for you to see her, but she needs you to see her, to see that she was never a punishment, that she did not deserve to be beaten and scared.

    I experienced a childhood similar enough to yours. My healing process began with my first quality psychotherapy in 2011. Did you ever attend any psychotherapy/ counseling?

    anita

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