I just want to be like the old me...

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This topic has 4 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 10 months ago by ALBB.

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February 8, 2015 at 6:49 pm #72528

ALBB
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Hi,
Im 20 years old and I recently moved to Australia with my boyfriend and we are having an amazing time.
But i cant stop myself from comparing myself to everyone around me. I feel like i dont know who i am anymore.
I have such low self confidence and i dont know why. I try to “be myself” but just find that i dont know how.
My boyfriend is such an amazing guy and i feel like im letting him down by being miserable. Also i have started becoming extremely jealous of any girls that have a laugh with my bf, its horrible i dont want to be that kind of bitchy girlfriend. I think its because i feel like hes the only person i have. Being away from my family is hard as im close with them.
I havent got a job yet but am looking, my boyfriend has a job and me being at home alone is not helping. I have limited funds atm so joining clubs ect is out of the question.
Im so anxious that i wont make any friends that i just sink into the background when meeting people.I feel like people wont like me.
Ive never really had that many friends and the only people we know are my boyfriends mates. I feel like all i am is just “the girlfriend”
I know that i need to be more positive and its hard because i used to be so happy.I never used to be this kind of person.

I feel like such a spoilt brat for being sad when im on the trip of a lifetime in Australia!!!
I feel so down and i just need some advice i guess.

February 8, 2015 at 9:34 pm #72532
Jamie
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Hi, albb! I’m really familiar with what you’re feeling, this sounds exactly like the situation I’ve been in! In retrospect, every time that I have shied away from people or activities because I was scared not feeling good enough, the insecurity that drove me to isolate myself was the very thing that limited me! In my experience, it always turned out that people were willing to get to know me, that I had no reason to be jealous, and that just being scared of all these things caused me to miss out on everything. Basically I was just psyching myself out and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy that I had no friends of my own and that I felt so miserable!
I remember I was in between places to live so I stayed at my boyfriend’s house, and it felt like I was just living in the background of his life. I would talk to his friends but feel too shy to go out and make my own. I would be jealous of friends he had that were girls because I was in such a rut in my own life that I didn’t want to be around anyone who was actually doing something with theirs! I’m sorry you feel how you do because I know how badly it can gnaw away at you. But just know that when you feel bad about yourself, you’re seeing yourself through a warped lens, and not in that way that people who know and love you see you. Sometimes I have to straight up ask my friends or boyfriend to say something that could boost my self-esteem and remind me of the positive things about myself because it’s so easy to get caught up a wormhole of feeling bad about yourself.

As far as meeting people, work could help out a lot–your coworkers might be really cool people! I think one thing I realized for myself and my partner was that he is just quicker than I am at making friends and getting comfortable in situations. So maybe you just need a bit of time before you find yourself comfortable in your new environment. I’ve always been bad at making friends but when I look back, whenever I did have a good friend group going, it had just happened out of the blue when I wasn’t even looking for that!

Good luck, I hope things look up for you!
- This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Jamie.
February 9, 2015 at 1:53 pm #72553

Olivia_Voldaren
Participant

Hello albb,

You sound just like me. I moved to a new continent five years ago for school, I got married (my husband is from this continent and has family, friends, and a job here). On top of that, a few months ago I moved to a completely new city. I don’t have a job, friends, or family here. I know that it is a very hard situation and it takes a lot of effort to stay sane. But I try to see it as a time of transition and constantly remind myself that things will change. And it is in your hands to make this change.

I understand that you want to be like your “old self.” I feel like that too most of the time. But then I remind myself that life is evolving and I am here to adopt to it (that’s something I read in a psychology book). I used to say that “I never used to be like this”– a while ago I understood that change happens and it is in your hands to create “new (better) you.” The past was great, but let the past be in the past. Look to the future, you cannot change the past, but can do something to create a better future.

Like you, my funds are limited and I cannot join paid classes or get a hobby (because hobbies cost too much!). But have you considered volunteering? Perhaps you can do an internet search about volunteering options that are close to you (within walking distance or very close so you don’t spend too much gas/bus fare). It doesn’t have to take over your whole day, just a few days a week. You could volunteer at an animal shelter, museum, club helping younger students, adults… Whatever your interests are… That’s a way to make new friends.

Also about the fear that people might not like you: I used to think like you a few years ago, but the truth is, there will be people who will like you and others who won’t. I’ve come to accept this fact, and since then, I have been feeling much better. We don’t have to get along with everybody in this world but there will always be people who will be our good friends. The key is to meet as many people as possible. You will click with some of these people and will have lasting friendships.

Finally, you are not a spoiled brat. All of us have difficult times in life and it will pass. It is in your hands to change your perspective. This change may not happen in one day, but since you are here, it looks like you are willing to change your perspective.

I just wanted to share some of the wisdom that helped me in a situation like yours. Hope it helps you too.

February 9, 2015 at 3:16 pm #72559

Anonymous
Inactive

I agree wholeheartedly with ferns, honey. Maybe you should ask yourself : Why am I so insecure? Perhaps you had a rough childhood and felt inadequate at times. Or you could be the type of person who gets jealous easily. Whatever it is, know family and friends support you. And if not them, there is always counseling. I know people have the stigma that you’re crazy if you see a therapist, but it can do wonders for you. Good luck!

February 9, 2015 at 4:15 pm #72560

ALBB
Participant

Ferns, Genuinio & Aiyana Henderson

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond your words mean a lot. Last night I have done a lot of thinking especially about what you guys have said and I feel a lot better. I guess I really just needed to type out how I was feeling so that I can start to understand why I am feeling like this and how I can help myself.

A few of the articles on here have really helped me realise that just because I’m feeling this way doesn’t mean I am a bad person or whatever. Just that I need to process and understand why in order to over come them. I found comfort in Ferns & Genuinios words that I am not alone in feeling like this.

“The mind is everything. What you think, you become.” ~Buddha

ALBB <3
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