Home→Forums→Relationships→I just want to feel better…
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December 27, 2016 at 7:45 am #123683RamoneJosephParticipant
Hi everyone,
Im so messed up in my head right now that it’s really starting to have an impact on my day to day life and even my health. My story: 2 days before Christmas of 2015 my wife had been acting distant and strange that day, so I texted her and asked if everything was okay? She responded, “I don’t think I want to be with you anymore.” I panicked!!! I was crushed! How could this happen? As far as I could tell we were both happy. Good jobs, nice house, two beautiful children… I had moved and switched jobs several times so that she could chase her dreams and go to school and work wherever she wanted. I supported her photography. I lived above my means in some cases to provide her with whatever she asked for. I begged her for a second chance, and she grudgingly agreed, meanwhile telling her friends and family that we were divorcing behind my back and saying that it was because I emotionally abused her (not true). I found a therapist, and we began visits. Later I would find out that this therapist was a survivor of emotional abuse herself and so completely identified me as a monster in our relationship, and did nothing to help us resolve our problems. That’s not what my wife wanted anyways. It was all a set up, she was trying to make it look like she had done everything she could to save the marriage, but I was just this terrible person that she couldn’t live with anymore. Lies… I found out the hard way. We went on a date one night, I thought we were doing well making progress. She got rather intoxicated and dropped her phone on the kitchen floor. She asked me to get it for her and that’s when I found the messages from another guy. You can imagine how shocked and angry I was! I instantly called my best friend, who just happens to be her brother and asked if I could spend the night at his house. He was extremely angry with his sister and told the rest of the family who up until then had thought that it was all my fault that the marriage had failed. Things change very abruptly! Exposed for her lying and cheating, she put on a show of reconciliation. Apologizing and saying that she wanted to save the marriage. Her family is fairly well to do and she depended on them to help her financially. I agreed to give it a go. Actually, I was thrilled to have my codependent needs fulfilled. But it didn’t last, she continued her lying and cheating and by February we were separated and she filed for divorce. She made no secret of her infidelity from then on. I moved in with a close friend. It’s then that I started therapy with a different provider and the words codependency and narcissist first came to me, and I learned that I had been the empath for a classic narcissist. I understood my problem, but I couldn’t escape it. I constantly let her suck me back into her drama so she could feed off of me and then cast me aside again. My codependency made me obsess about being in a relationship. I tried to date far too soon, hoping to fill the gaping hole in my soul. I am loved! I have two beautiful children who I received joint legal and physical custody of. My exes Family stands fully behind me now. They’ve cut ties to her and have withdrawn all financial support, and are actually helping me very much, providing a home for me and my children while I get back on my feet. I have amazing friends who are always available to have fun and hang out. But I’m going insane because I can’t shake this need to be in a relationship!!! I had a couple of rebound relationships that I could fully tell weren’t going to last. Then I met someone that made everything seem perfect in life only to lose her 4 months later because she said she hadn’t quite processed her own divorce! So now here I am, lonely and depressed, unable to get my shit together. I fight myself to go to the gym, or paint, or read, or hang out with friends and family. I feel like there’s no joy in anything at all. My ex has started her narcissistic hoovering again, and I feel myself giving in, just because I crave any little bit of attention. I obsess about the girl that I really love, and hoping that she’ll be back once she figures herself out. I have 8 weeks of school left-no motivation. Art, music, movies and TV all just remind me of heartbreak. I have to break out of this!!!! End this torment!!! I’ve been drinking too much. All I want to do is sleep! My days just pass, I don’t accomplish anything, I’m unhappy, miserable… I keep hearing, love yourself, love yourself, love yourself… Well tell me how!!!!!! How do I love myself when I can barely stand to think about anything… Point me in the right direction. Books? Which ones? How do I learn to meditate? How do I restore a balance? All I’ve ever wanted is to be loved and to love back! Why can’t I find that?
Ramone
December 27, 2016 at 8:38 am #123686AnonymousGuestDear Ramone:
It is a wonderful thing that your ex’s family is standing behind you and not supporting your ex.; this is a bit of justice in a world where justice is uncommon.
As to your desperation well expressed in the last few lines: “End this torment!!!…tell me how!!!! ..Point me in the right direction….”
Who do you want to point you in the direct direction? See, that “codependent” thinking is about Someone Else. There is another term to the codependent principle. It is called Locus Of Control (LOC). There is ELOC, External LOC where you look up to others to direct your life, your thoughts, your feelings, your behavior. ELOC is similar to the concept of codependence.
And there is ILOC, Internal LOC, where you look for that direction in yourself. ILOC is similar to the concept of independence (notice: IN-dependence).
So, how do you shift from codependence to independence, from ELOC to ILOC?
You do it with the little things in your daily life, in the present. You use every opportunity (and no opportunity is too small or trivial) to practice this IN-dependence, or Internal Locus Of Control:
You wake up in the morning, what do you do? List the steps (not all, of course)- list them as 1, 2, 3 into the mid day or evening, give a short description to those 1,2,3… I will respond when you do so, if you do.
anita
December 27, 2016 at 9:36 am #123693RamoneJosephParticipantHi Anita,
I’m just hoping that someone with more insight or a similar experience can point me in the right direction, but I understand what you mean. It’s codependent for me to want someone else to confirm and guide me.
1. My day usually begins waking up around 5:30, get ready for work, leave the house around 6:20
2. 10 Minute commute to work
3. Clock in before 6:45, begin my work day
4. Attempt to work… I am so preoccupied and unmotivated that I struggle to do my job. Constantly distracted by my thoughts and feelings. lots of anxiety
5. try to eat lunch, I can tell my mental state is messing with my appetite.
6. Finish work around 3:15
7. drive home
8. struggle to do house hold chores and anything else. I forced myself to go out last night and meet friends, but I just don’t feel right and they sense it too. I’m not much fun to be around
9. think, and overthink, and worry, until I’m exhausted and go to bed. I’ve been self medicating with alcohol, which calms me, but is also obviously a depressant.December 27, 2016 at 9:57 am #123695AnonymousGuestDear Ramone:
Let’s take #1, you get up at 5:30 and leave home at 6:20. Within these 50 minutes, I am assuming you’ve done things the same way every work day, correct? To insert the IN-dependence into these 50 minutes, you need to make conscious choices in that time so that your behavior is not automatic anymore. You have to experiment with new behaviors during these 50 minutes (same principle for the other steps).
For example, let’s say you brush your teeth first and then have breakfast. You may want to have breakfast first and brush your teeth later. The second way may be better for your dental health. Notice I wrote in my last post to you that no opportunity is too small or too trivial to practice independence/ ILOC?
I meant it. And this is the principle, you insert conscious choices into the automatic behavior throughout the day. This is part of the Mindfulness practice. You become mindful, aware, taking power over your life every opportunity.
What do you think?
anita
December 27, 2016 at 10:29 am #123703RamoneJosephParticipantSo, essentially you’re saying to consciously take back personal control of my life one little step at a time.
December 27, 2016 at 10:57 am #123707AnonymousGuestDear Ramone:
Yes, one little step at a time. No other way I know of, for you to feel better on the long run. You will be surprised how well this work if and as long as you practice this. In a few weeks, months… you will be amazed. It will not be a “happily ever after” amazing feeling, but gradually, you will feel calmer and calmer, upset at times, then calmer again and over time, you will feel way better, more and more often and the bad feelings will not be this bad or last that long.
Over time you will take control over bigger aspects of your life, but all through the process, there is no aspect that is too small or trivial to take on.
anita
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