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RamoneJoseph

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  • #161532
    RamoneJoseph
    Participant

    Matt,

    I also found it difficult to completely grasp what you’re trying to say because your method of writing is full of syntactical convolution.  That being said I believe that your basic premise is that only “good” experiences present value to us as humans since they are the only experiences that stimulate our brains physiology.  That would be an error in thinking though because we are also stimulated by “bad” experiences.  To constantly be stimulated in the realm of “good” experiences would be nearly impossible, and to attempt to do so would deny a person complete human fulfillment by robbing them of the full spectrum and learning from “bad” experiences.

    Ramone

    #155854
    RamoneJoseph
    Participant

    https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

    Buy this book and read it!  It will change your life and your relationships!

    #155850
    RamoneJoseph
    Participant

    There is no god

    #155834
    RamoneJoseph
    Participant

    Hello Hannah,

    I don’t think that we are negative about love, but I do think that our society struggles with “love”.  The word itself is overused and often inappropriately. We say things like “I just love your new hair cut!” or “I love ketchup on my fries!” Is that what we really mean though? Is love such a generic and simple thing that we can express it in this way? I don’t think it should be like that. Love as an emotion has become so watered down and is quickly and easily expressed as such. I think that love should be reserved for when a relationship is truly worthy.

    Anita talks about the love of a child and his parents. This is an important love, and one that is often taken for granted.  Every parent loves their child, right? Every child also loves their parents, right?  Nope…  The world is an imperfect place filled with imperfect people, so it’s actually quite common that this basic need for genuine love in a child/parent relationship is lacking, and believe me, it has horrible consequences. So if you can, be thankful for the love that you have with your parents, and if you can’t, you may need some help establishing healthy love in your other relationships.

    Love in a romantic relationship seems to be among the top priorities in our society today, but again, due to the imperfections of humans we find ourselves gambling to find what we hope is love. As simple animals our primal instincts encourage us to find partners to reproduce, but society and civilization has created expectations of what is acceptable behavior and we have been programmed to believe. This worries me because as you stated this makes people feel that they’ve “found the rest of your life”, “Nothing else matters as long as I have them.” ” It’s so beautiful how one person can truly make or break you.” “Love is the one constant we have.” When these things are not true. That is not love. That is codependency. You should never depend on another person to find your happiness. No other person should wield so much power over you to be able to define your life. such love is fleeting at best, with a hope that it will eventually grow into something long lasting.

    The love that you should seek first and foremost is love of self. This can be a difficult task because there is no simple and standard path to self love. But once you can truly love yourself and put yourself first in fulfilling your life, so many other opportunities are presented to love otheres and genuinely be loved by them.

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hold-me-tight/201006/can-love-last-lifetime

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/get-hardy/201203/seven-step-prescription-self-love

    Just my thoughts, and a couple of links to articles I found appropriate starting places…

    Wishing you health and happiness,

    Ramone

     

    #146159
    RamoneJoseph
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I’m amazed at how a little education and understanding has made such an impact on how I approach relationships now!  We are a couple now…  Introducing each other to friends and family as “my person, or my girlfriend/boyfriend”.  It’s very nice and it feels very healthy.  I don’t have the usual overwhelming pressure I felt to impress and be someone I wasn’t in order to “earn love and attention”.  I also feel absolutely free to pursue my passions and goals, and she supports me, just like I support her.  It’s obvious we care about each other, but there also isn’t that obsessive need to be with each other every moment of every day.  I really have to say I’m happy with the way things are going.  My circumstances felt so tragic just a few months ago, but I can honestly say that I needed for these things to happen so I could develop and grow as a person who loves and respects himself for a change and I’ve attracted a lovely person who shares this path!

    Wishing you health and happiness!!!

    Ramone

    #144107
    RamoneJoseph
    Participant

    Hi Tessa,

    I’m glad that I could help you see things from a different perspective.  If you feel like you have a healthy relationship with your father, then by all means continue to pursue it.  I think it’s a very good idea to set limitations and boundaries with him also though.  Even healthy relationships should have mutual understanding of what’s okay and what isn’t.  Another concern I would have is for your father himself.  If your mom is truly a narcissist, then it will not have left your father without some damage.  Is he perhaps also codependent?  Does he have enabling behaviors towards the rest of the family?  At the very least I can assume by your description that he’s an empath…  He may benefit from some distance himself and maybe some help from outside for both of you.

    When thinking about your break up I’m going to give you a huge piece of advice that I’m just now slowly realizing for myself.  LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!!!  I’m sure you’ve heard this from a dozen different people and it sounds very confusing and you’re wonder where to even start?  I was there a few months ago…  I’m still working on this but I’m making progress every day.  I think that the codependency in us gives us this horrible feeling that we’re incomplete without being in a relationship.  The truth is that you’re going to have to break away from that addiction to need to make someone else happy and learn to be your own person.  I’d be happy to talk to you about my experiences, just be aware it’s very hard and you are going to still have a lot of shitty days while you heal and begin to take control of your life and happiness.

    Your weight gain is the result of your coping mechanism.  We often choose something unhealthy to drown ourselves in to numb the emotions to a tolerable level.  Unfortunately the only way through is to actually experience the pain and hell we’re hiding from.  It may take some time before you find the full strength to address the feelings that have pushed you into an addictive behavior.  My own problem was with alcohol.  I was drinking almost daily to obliterate my emotions.  It’s a hard fight, but at some point you will want to change and at the pivot point you’ll begin to make progress.  Rule number one be critical of yourself as motivation, but do not hate yourself if you slip!  Brush yourself off and give it another go.

    Important things I’ve learned:

    Don’t focus on the past too much.  You can’t time travel to fix it, so there’s no sense in constantly wondering about the ifs ands or buts…  learn from it and move on.

    Don’t get tied up too far in the future.  Constantly worrying about where you’re going to be and what’s going to happen will make you absolutely crazy and frightened to do anything for fear of messing up.

    Live in the present.  Take each day in little pieces.  Get organized and plan your days deliberately.  This proves to yourself that you are in charge of your own life and happiness.  Try to set small goals and celebrate yourself when you make it!!!  you will begin to make tiny little changes to your life, but they eventually all add up into positive triumphs and beautiful feelings of love for yourself.

    Believe that  as you become more and more positive you will get stronger and healthier and it will show.  You will attract more positivity, good things, and even that person to love…

    Hang in there!

    wishing you health and happiness,

    Ramone

    #144097
    RamoneJoseph
    Participant

    Hi Tessa,

    I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through.  I understand your response to Anita’s suggestion to distance yourself from your family, but I would have to agree with her idea that it’s what would be best for you.  Don’t be discouraged by this idea though, hear me out…  As the seemingly only stable individual in your family you have been saddled with a huge amount of responsibility!  You may feel honor bound to such a burden, which is very admirable, but it’s very destructive to you.

    I myself suffer from codependency.  This has lead me to suffer in many of my own relationships where I have taken on the role of caregiver hoping that if I can just make everything perfect and other people happy, then maybe I will deserve to be happy myself.  This enabling behavior has allowed others to take advantage of me.  They get what they want or need ( I was married to a narcissist who abused her power over me ) and my wants or needs are never met.  It’s a vicious circle that just continues to spiral downward until a person is consumed with sadness and self doubt, doomed to never find happiness.

    Do you notice a sort of parallel in your behavior and my own?  You are setting aside your own wants and needs that are vital to your own happiness.  You shouldn’t have to be a martyr for your family in order to deserve their love or anyone else’s love.

    I teach Basic Life Support and Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation.  One of the things we teach people is to make sure that the scene is safe and you aren’t putting yourself at risk when trying to rescue someone.  I can’t save someone else if I get get myself hurt first.  Same thing applies here.  You are suffering and need to get yourself safe, happy and healthy first if you hope to help anyone else.

    Sadly, the people in your family have some major issues, but in the end they are all adults who are responsible for their own lives.  Yes, it’s okay to need and ask for help, but in this case they are draining you of your very existence.  It may be difficult to stand by and watch as they struggle, but it’s also good for them to realize the boundaries and limitations of a healthy relationship.

    I hope this puts things into a better perspective for you.  I would love to hear your thoughts…

    wishing you health and happiness,

    Ramone

    #144083
    RamoneJoseph
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    So, I’ve been doing as you suggested and just going slow and keeping things manageable.  One big plus is that this positive energy in me is multiplying and making taking care of myself much easier.  Not too long ago the recovery was so bogged down by depression, sadness, anxiety, and lethargy.  I was self medicating with alcohol on some days just to keep from falling apart.  I’m feeling much more motivated and healthy, and for once I’m using this positive influx on myself instead of obsessing over her.

    Things are going great though.  I really like her, and she really likes me.  We still chat or talk every day, but I don’t see her every day and I’ve noticed that I’m not having that nagging need that I would usually have with my codependency.  I’m actually enjoying my alone time or hanging out with my friends.  I hope that I can maintain this positive change as things progress.  For once I feel like I’m with someone without the expectation that they make me happy because I’m learning to be happy on my own.  What she does is helps me stay motivated and focused on being perfectly imperfect!

    I’ll let you know how things are going…  Thank you!

    wishing you health and happiness,

    Ramone

    #141559
    RamoneJoseph
    Participant

    Bubbles,

    Reoccurring themes I am hearing at the moment from many different people are those of unfairness, injustice, comparisons to others successes.  Unfortunately there is no fairness in this life!  We are dealt what  we are dealt and it is our decision to react as we choose.  Can you believe that there is some young lady here in America who is currently garnering huge media attention and scooping up endorsement after endorsement for babbling some incoherent garbage on a talk show?  Is that fair? Does it make sense to someone who believes they should be given such opportunities for skills they deem more important to society?  No, it probably isn’t fair and doesn’t make sense, but it’s an example of how things work…

    The things that have happened to you and are directly affecting you seem painful and horrible to you also, but I guarantee there is someone “less fortunate” who could easily look at your life and accomplishments and ask, how is that fair?

    You can let life kick you in the crotch and cry about it, or you can stand up and kick the bastard back!  Anger and indignation will eat you alive if you don’t get rid of them.  That doesn’t mean they aren’t useful tools.  Use those feelings to motivate and launch yourself into the next phase of your life and then quickly let them go…  Your successes and failures are your own and whether you win or lose you will want to at least be able to say you tried.  I’m currently rebuilding myself after a devastating occurrence in my life last year and I know it’s so easy to stay stuck in the misery and wonder what’s the use? My best help has been not to microscopically dissect the past trying to figure out what went wrong.  It’s over, it’s done, you can’t time travel to fix it.  take the lesson an move on.  Also, don’t let the future drive you insane!  Dwelling to far ahead in the future and worrying about it will distract you from the present.  That’s where you want to be, in the present.  That’s where you will focus and shape your life.  Start small, set goals and celebrate every success like you won the lottery!  Each little success will roll into the next one, and pretty soon you’ll have a giant snowball of good things.  Just don’t let the occasional drawback slow you down too much.  Sh!t happens, roll with it…

    Wishing you health and happiness,

    Ramone

    #141547
    RamoneJoseph
    Participant

    Henry Alec McLoud,

    Love is many-fold and you are not denying yourself love if you love others.  It’s like saying “I must drink, but I will only drink water!”  You would deny yourself other experiences to become the perfect water drinker?  Love for self  and love for others share only the name “Love”.  The experiences are completely separate and only related as we choose to allow.  Seeing the world so black and white will rob you of all the experiences of the lovely greys in between…

    wishing you health and happiness,

    Ramone

    #141543
    RamoneJoseph
    Participant

    yogagrl,

    I was drawn to your post because of the title that directly addresses whether men ever regret…

    The easiest answer is “yes”.  Men, and women, regret many things that they have chosen to do.  You will never find a perfect person who has consistently made all of the “right” decisions in life.  The majority of people will have some amount of moral experience to at some point feel sorry for what they perceive as errors that they may have made in the past.  There are of course a distinct few individuals out there who are truly monsters, psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists who only care for themselves and lack all sense of empathy and remorse.  (Steer clear of these fiends if at all possible!)  I don’t think from your description that your ex falls into this category of evil people though.

    I’m discovering that love isn’t something that comes in equal portions of intensity and experience.  It’s surely not forever…  Hopefully we are all in our lifetimes able to experience love, but we also have to recognize that it comes in many different forms.  Aside from the horrible individuals I described above who are unable to love (the only reason to pity them because they will never love…) We will all experience different types of love and different intensities.  Unfortunately our society has done a good job of making love pretty generic.  “I love chocolate milk” or “I really love how you did your hair today!” are a couple examples of how disposable the word love has become.  Love as a concept and feeling is many fold too.  I have a much different experience of love for my pet, my children, my friends, family, or intimate partner.  In each of those categories the intensity of love may differ also based on a person’s experience.  I absolutely adore my children, but I can honestly say I love my sister more than I love my mother because of things that have happened in my past.  The same thing holds with the girls I have dated/married/divorced…  and I regret.  I regret the mistakes I have made that may have change my life and the life of someone else, but we can’t predict the future any more than we can change the past.  So unless he happens to be heartless, I’m sure that he will occasionally hear a song or see a sight that reminds him of you, and he’ll wonder for a second…

    You though are still carrying a burden that you should let go of before it poisons you any further.  Life is an adventure, and much of it is a gamble.  We’ll all experience good and bad, but what we do with our experiences and what we learn is greatly up to us.  This is a hard thing to learn and even harder to practice, but when you begin to focus on improving yourself and loving yourself, you improve your chances of attracting the successes that you desire.  You wonder if you’ll ever see him again?  You wonder if he will ever come back?  Is that what you want?  and if you do, you do know that you can influence the possibilities of success?  Ultimately it will be half his decision, but it’s not impossible…  Don’t expect life to be fair from your perspective.  You look at his current situation and sense unfairness based on the residual emotions you have.  The intensity of his love may not have matched yours, and honestly, that he waited over a year to begin dating someone else is a sign that he gave himself the necessary time for himself to recover from your relationship before putting himself out there again.  He’s obviously moved on into his next love.  You’ll have to let it run it’s course and decide what you’ll do in the meantime.  Torture yourself with what ifs and wondering if he still thinks of you occasionally, or jumping into the mosh pit of life and love…

    wishing you health and happiness,

    Ramone

     

    #141375
    RamoneJoseph
    Participant

    Hi,

    Thank you for your input!  Solid, grounding advice from both of you.

    Craig, I recently read a book called No More Mister Nice Guy.  It was a very good book that helped me identify and begin to address a lot of the issues that I run into in my relationships.  I reread things sometimes and I’m addressing my codependency by remembering to put myself first and taking control of what I thought I had no control over.  I really appreciate your approach of being honest with what I would normally consider a weakness by presenting it in a way that shows I know it’s a vulnerability, but i’m strong enough to be aware and work on myself.

    Anita, thanks for reminding me to not put myself down.  I’ve always felt like I’m not good enough and that I have to be this larger than life, perfect person in order to earn someone elses attention.  I know now that it’s not supposed to be that way.  Just like you pointed out that she can’t be perfect either.

    We continue to talk daily.  We both initiate conversations, so that makes me feel better that it’s not just me showing interest.  The conversation is great as we both discover common interests and share the uncommon ones.  I guess I just feel good about the progress of everything even though inside I’m scared shitless!!!

    I’ll keep you guys updated…  Thanks again,

    Ramone

    #139483
    RamoneJoseph
    Participant

    Thomas,

    I’m not sure why you had to give us the explicit details of your heavy petting sessions just to turn around and ask us how to help someone with self love issues?

    Has she freely offered this information, or is it an assumption that you’re making based on your own experience?  You haven’t given us a lot of information to base any suggestions off of.

    Most important, self love is exactly that…  SELF.  It’s not something to be pursued or suggested by another individual.  It’s an experience and journey each of us makes in our own time, in our own way and for reasons we only know.  If you are truly close, this doesn’t mean that she will completely exclude you from her experience, but it is not something that you can guide or influence without tainting the way with your own being…

    You are wanting her to love herself, so that she can love…  Do you understand how selfish that sounds?

    I absolutely understand your feelings!  Love is a wonderful experience and you don’t want to risk losing what you’ve found…

    wishing you health and happiness,

    Ramone

    #139437
    RamoneJoseph
    Participant

    Hello Chris,

    What behaviors and incidences prompted her to call you narcissistic and manipulative?  Also, what has your therapist said?  As Anita has pointed out, your post gives me several red flags that point to issues that you may have that are dooming your relationships.

    wishing you health and happiness,

    Ramone

    #128739
    RamoneJoseph
    Participant

    Hello Asterixobelix,

    That name reminds me of comic books in Germany for some reason… but I digress… It sound like you are super unhappy because you feel like you’re trapped in a situation where you’re responsible for making others happy. That has to stop! No one can make you happy but yourself, and that goes for other people too. You aren’t responsible for trying to insure the happiness of others at the expense of fulfilling your own life goals. Trust me, I’ve wasted a $h!tload of time thinking that if I could make the world a perfect and happy place for other people, then I would finally deserve a share of that happiness also. It doesn’t work like that unfortunately, and us kindhearted fools end up being used, abused, and often discarded, never to attain our own potential and goals.

    Like Anita said, you need to cut loose and be your own person for awhile. Warn everybody that this is something that you need to do, but be ready for the whining and complaining that you’re going to get as a reply, and don’t fall for it. Stick to you guns and give yourself the time and space to figure out what it is you need. The people you care for will experience this time from the outside and be witness to your transformation. You can discover a happier you!!! If people truly care for/love you, they will be happy for you in the end, if they don’t then they have no real place in your life.

    I wish you the best, happiness and health,

    Ramone

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