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I Let Him Go…But I Think I Made a Mistake

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  • June 30, 2016 at 3:41 pm #108627
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kelsi:

    There is definitely one things that is not negotiable, must not be and that is the verbal abuse you mentioned. Was that discussed? Did he take responsibility for calling you names or otherwise saying degrading things to you or screaming at you (I don’t know the details)?

    If he didn’t, a getting back together should be a No, I strongly believe.

    Regarding “when we’re hanging out at the bar and I’m tired and want to go home, he’ll say ‘You said you would be more understanding, right?'” – did you tell him that it was you who were wrong in the past when you were tired at 5 am, wanted to go home and he got upset and verbally abused you?

    How did you give him “the upper hand?”

    Be back at the computer in a few hours.

    anita

    ani

    June 30, 2016 at 4:09 pm #108631
    Kelsi
    Participant

    Anita,

    When he has called me names in the past, he was aware of how I felt about those certain names. Truthfully, I cannot recall whether he apologized for them or not. There are times when he apologizes for hurting my feelings, and other times he does not. I will admit that both him and I have screamed at each other a few times out of frustration but would usually make up afterwards. But the things he says to me sometimes can leave emotional bruises. It is something I should probably bring up to him.

    I gave him the upper hand now because I told him I wanted to get back with him to work on things and now I gave him the power to choose whether he wants to be with me or not anymore. This wasn’t my initial intention because this whole break up was strictly my decision, but it somehow ended up being the other way around now where he is dictating where this relationship goes. It’s almost like I’m the one that needs to fix things about myself if there’s ever a chance of us getting back together. I don’t want him to sound like a complete bad guy, he really does have a good heart, but I also don’t want to justify his wrong doings either because he has hurt me in the past. I just don’t know whether this relationship is worth saving now.

    June 30, 2016 at 9:03 pm #108637
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kelsi:

    There are two things that are problematic: the verbal abuse and the fact he now has power over you. The power situation is that you now have to prove to him that you are good enough for him to re-consider a relationship with you. This is not going to work out for your benefit. He has to want a relationship as much as you. He has to look into himself, his behavior and change what needs to be changed, the verbal abuse for one.

    If I was you, I would stop this dynamic right away. I will communicate to him that the two of you need to want the relationship, not just you; that the two of you need to look at your behaviors and change what needs to be changed, not just you. And that is all I will communicate, leaving it at that.

    Then I would expect nothing and let it be. If he contacts you, communicate with him only if he addresses his behavior and is respectful to you all the time, not just sometimes. If he doesn’t contact you, well then it is over.

    anita

    July 1, 2016 at 9:02 am #108668
    Kelsi
    Participant

    That is a good point Anita.

    I suppose sometimes it takes an outside source to really see the issue in a problem. Thank you for your help!

    July 1, 2016 at 10:21 am #108674
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kelsi:

    You are welcome. Post anytime.

    anita

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