Home→Forums→Share Your Truth→I like hating myself/ resisting change
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June 24, 2018 at 6:32 pm #213947AnonymousInactive
I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I love hating myself and ruining my life. Most people want to change and fulfill their inner wishes, but not me. It makes sense because every time life presents me with an opportunity for self improvement and change, I convince myself I don’t need it and hide behind a wall of my own making. I enjoy wallowing in my own self pity. I enjoy feeling like a victim. It’s like I feel safe that way.
Does anyone else feel this way?
Everytime I read and watch motivational videos/articles, they write about how you actually do want to change your life but you’re just a little scared. Honestly, I feel likedeep Inside…im not ready to change and I like living every day with regret. There is no other explanation as to why I keep self sabotaging myself.
June 25, 2018 at 5:27 am #214005AnonymousGuestDear RedDress:
You wrote that you came to the conclusion that you love hating yourself and ruining your life. Your own words from previous threads are proof that you are not motivated to ruin your life, and to cause yourself pain. Here are your words:
“I just want to be treated right… I do not want to be alone and I want a good relationship… I protect myself… I want to (be) wise and strong… I want to be cherished… wish I could feel happiness and contentment during the day and feel like I have a purpose and goal that I am achieving… I just really want to FEEL. I want to FEEL that feeling that I see in other people when they do something great. I want to feel a rush of positive emotions through my brain and body”.
You wrote here: “inside… I’m not ready to change”- it is not because you don’t want to change. It is because change is very difficult for everyone. I am referring to the commitment to change, change on an ongoing basis, as in a process of changing, a lasting changing.
Our brains are formed as children, beliefs, experiences, habits, all recorded there, triggered and re-experienced and it takes literally a re-wiring of the brain to change these things on an ongoing basis. That takes time and commitment as well as lots and lots of patience.
anita
June 27, 2018 at 8:26 pm #214501AnonymousInactiveHi Anita!
you wrote that change isn’t easy for anyone. However I don’t understand that! In my life, whenever I wanted something, I’d work for it and get it. If I wanted a mark or a certain item or to finish a project, I’d work restlessly to get it. Usually I’d succeed! That is how I got good grades in school And reach success in many of my other areas in life.
however when it comes to personal change, I can’t do it. And it makes me angry because I know that I can change and achieve something when I want to but I can’t change myself , my attitude, my reactions, my personality. I can’t become more likeable to people, I can’t become more open and trusting around men, I can’t become a better friend. I don’t know what is blocking me from doing these things! Every time I watch inspirational videos and try to follow the advice of the author, I end up behaving like I always do and not getting my result. Furthermore, I feel like a total fraud. Thoughts go through my head like “wow, you really thought you could be charismatic and open?! No! You are awkward and strange and unlikeable. It is who you are, why try and change!”
June 28, 2018 at 4:01 am #214519AnonymousGuestDear RedDress:
“whenever I wanted something, I’d work for it and get it… I’d work restlessly to get it. Usually I’d succeed! That is how I got good grades in school”- so you figure, if you want to “become more likeable to people.. more open and trusting around men”, then you should be able to achieve it, just like you achieved good grades in school.
This is why it is way easier to achieve good grades in school but it is very difficult to achieve those other things: when you study hard, let’s say, read and try to remember events and dates from world war 1, there is no voice inside of you saying something like: what you are reading is not true! No such as world war, didn’t happen, you are making it up! Or: it didn’t happen that way, it happened this way!
That would be a troubling voice, wouldn’t it, take your focus away from the reading material and trouble you. You wouldn’t know who to believe: the reading material in front of you or the Voice.
Fortunately there was no such voice when you studied in school.
On the other hand, when you try to succeed in those other things, you do have that voice saying to you, as you stated in your recent post: “‘wow, you really thought you could be charismatic and open?! No! You are awkward and strange and unlikeable. It is who you are, why try and change!'”
You didn’t have a core belief about word war one when you studied in school, so you were open to receive the information you were reading. But you do have a core belief about your likeability that is raining on your parade, so to speak, standing in your way of changing.
Let me know what you think, will you?
anita
June 28, 2018 at 6:23 am #214561AnonymousInactiveYes, that is exactly what it was!
I had friends in school who would claim that they could not get a good grade at all! I didn’t relate or understand them. For me, it’s was a simple formula: listen in class, get extra help from the teacher, review often and make good notes and make connections to material. Success was gaurenteed. If I got a bad grade, it’s was usually because I didn’t prepare well enough and didn’t take the time to study.
when it comes to my personal life, I can’t seem to find a formula that works! A formula I could follow and be more likeable/find a good partner/be confident ext. when I was a kid, my parents told me that there is no such thing as changing yourself and your personality. You have what you have and you live with those traits. People who change themselves are fooling themselves because genetically, we are all predisposed to act the way we do. If we do end up going from socially awkward to being more likeable…it’s unlikely that it will last and we will look fake doing it. They sometimes justify people’s (and their own success) with this genetic arguement. “Oh she always has men looking at her, she is just born beautiful and charming”, “oh he got a raise? He is just charismatic and has good people skills”, “oh I could never do that, I wasn’t born with those traits”. It’s like, why should I even try to be different when it’s all in vain. It’s so demotivating. What stings even more is that no matter how hard I am trying now, I don’t seem to see results and improvement in my people/self confidence skills. I don’t know what is stopping me! Why can’t I just really really want to be an improved version of me!?
June 28, 2018 at 6:54 am #214565AnonymousGuestDear RedDress:
There are things that are determined genetically: the color of your eyes, for example. On the other hand, likeability is not determined genetically, not at all(not as a predisposition or otherwise). Being charming, charismatic, or socially awkward, these too are not determined genetically. People skills are not genetically determined.
In other words, if you, RedDress had a different home life as a child, a different environment, you could have been at the present time a very likeable, charismatic person with great social skills.
This is why it is so difficult to change these things, being socially awkward, for example: even though we are not born socially awkward, connections (aka neuropathways) in our brains are made early on, starting very early in childhood. These connections contain what we believe about ourselves and about life (core beliefs) as well as emotions attached to these beliefs. Fear is a powerful emotion that is part of many of these connections.
It is very difficult to act not in line with those core beliefs. It feels fake. It is uncomfortable.
So you feel uncomfortable faking the behavior of a charismatic person, let’s say, but then you feel uncomfortable acting awkward. If being socially awkward was who you were authentically, it would not feel uncomfortable.
By nature, we are born to connect with other people. This is genetic. So when we fail to connect, we suffer. We fail to connect because we formed core belief that are not true to reality.
Changing behavior, changing what you referred to as personality traits, takes the slow, gradual, intentional process of rewiring the brain, that is, forming new connections, new neuropathways.
Over time, the new connections change the mapping of the brain and so, the change you want is possible. But unlike the simple forming of connections when studying an academic subject, you have to endure the distress of the old connections while forming new. And you have to be very patient with the slow, slow process.
anita
June 28, 2018 at 6:55 am #214567AnonymousGuest* didn’t reflect under Topics
June 29, 2018 at 6:12 pm #214767AnonymousInactiveHmm that’s interesting. So maybe if I had been born in a different circumstance , I would have been a different person? It’s an interesting thought but I guess I don’t think that it would help me because I can’t change my past or the cards I was dealt with.
do you really believe true change is possible? Does something significant or tragic have to happen in my life for me to change? What can I do to take the first steps in changing ?
June 30, 2018 at 2:51 am #214783AnonymousGuestDear RedDress:
Yes, true change is possible but it takes intent, a lot of work and a lot of time. It takes persistence and patience. A whole lot of persistence and patience.
No, it is not true that “something significant or tragic have to happen” in your life, for you to change. It is not one big thing, and it is not one big thing that happens to you.
Change is about many small things, day after day, month after month, year after year that you make happen.
The first steps to change, if available to you, is quality psychotherapy with a capable, empathetic, hard working therapist. In your quest to change, best to learn the skills of calming yourself, as change is possible when we are calm. Best you learn or improve being assertive with people, and improve your ability to be mindful (read about mindfulness, the practice of being attentive on an ongoing basis to what happens around you as well as within you).
anita
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