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I love him but I feel like I'm settling

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • February 15, 2019 at 6:13 pm #280415
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    It’s quite a story so I wont get much into it but I finally find love and it’s such bad timing. I really related to this article https://tinybuddha.com/blog/what-kept-me-stuck-on-my-ex-and-how-i-broke-the-addiction/. if you care to read it so you understand my perspective.

     

    We’ve been on and off for some months but it’s getting to the point where it’s agonizingly painful to keep staying. I get so emotionally charged up because I’m upset and anxious a lot of the time. It’s a huge waste of energy and I could be using my energy for something so much more constructive. We both aren’t where we need to be in life and I just don’t know how to go about it or what to say. I just know I deserve to be happy and this isn’t really what I want. He even has admitted that I deserve better but that he doesn’t want to let me go. He loves me but is selfish. He doesn’t want me to have better. He says that’d I’d better not leave and that I can’t leave so that kind of has me apprehensive. I’m not even sure how to approach the topic.

     

    He’s an amazing person and I’d love for us to stay friends but I’m not sure that will be possible. Does anyone have any advice for me?

     

    February 15, 2019 at 10:55 pm #280425
    Mark
    Participant

    Ariana,

    I find in order to stay friends if you are in an entangled/co-dependent relationship is just to break it off completely with no contact for at least 6 months.  Once you are both emotionally back on your feet and able to create a life outside your ex then you can consider being friends.  But for the life of me, I don’t know what that means.

    Does it mean you talk with each other and share the same way you did when you were together?  As frequently?  As deeply?  Does it mean you two hang out together?  It’ll be good to know what “being friends” means for I bet it isn’t like the way you are with your current friends.

    Mark

    February 16, 2019 at 6:24 am #280439
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ariana:

    I read the article you listed. Here is a bit from the story you provided: the two of you “aren’t where we need to be in life”, you feel “upset and anxious a lot of the time” and exhausted, while in this on and off relationship. Knowing your distress, he told you in so many words that he wants you to remain in a relationship with him because it feels good to him.

    You wrote, “I’m not even sure how to approach the topic… Does anyone have any advice for me?”

    -yes, tell him that a relationship to be healthy and loving needs to be a Win-Win endeavor, a Win for him and a Win for you. Not a win for him alone. Tell him that overall, it is not a Win for you. Then ask him if he has any suggestions.

    Listen to his response and post it next, will you?

    anita

     

    February 16, 2019 at 12:03 pm #280457
    kelli
    Participant

    Hi there,

    I just want to point out that you said he knows you deserve better, he is selfish, he (??possibly) threatened you by saying you better not leave, which makes you feel apprehensive….and then at the end you say he is “amazing.”

    As an outsider looking in, he does not sound amazing.  He sounds controlling and selfish and a little scary.  Take care of YOU and do what is good for YOU.

    February 18, 2019 at 12:44 am #280579
    Felix
    Participant

    Wow, this is why I am staying single…. I feel bad for your BF. He sounds like amazing guy. And I’ll avoid the shaming that happens in such cases on replies. You “Deserve” ? No one deserves anything. If you are happy then stay with him, if you love him then be with him, but if you think the grass is greener somewhere else, I have a kitchen sink to sell you. You’re reducing your BF to someone you can put a number on. He is a 5 and you want a 7 or even an 8. Hypergamy in full action here. I think you should leave him, he deserves better than you. Good luck.

    April 20, 2019 at 12:30 pm #289989
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    He does deserve better.  We both did which is why i did him a favor and dumped him.

    April 20, 2019 at 12:30 pm #289991
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I can focus on myself now

    April 20, 2019 at 12:50 pm #289993
    Mark
    Participant

    Congratulations for taking that self caring action.

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