Hello Anita

I am good, thank you for always checking on me 🙂

Thanks for digging out this post. Because of this I re-read this thread. I realized, my ex has not changed at all. The initial perception of her, not able to be completely honest, emotionally unavailable, actually still existed by the time we broke up. When I read how I wrote what happened then, It sounds like that ‘I’ was more assertive, clear-headed and probably more in-tune my heart. I was in a better state when I was not dating her!

She probably did open up a bit in between, but that was not long lasting. That was not her. She did it because of me, becuase i wanted clarity, because I wanted more answers/ connectedness from her. It was not a change that came from herself.

A couple of things happened these days. I dreamed of her breaking up with me twice in the past two weeks, it got me upset for a while, as if my process went backwards. I have been visiting shelters to really want to see if i could adopt a cat or a dog. I started my 10k running plan again. I managed to do headstand which i wanted to do for a while, but didn’t really put effort or engaged in training before my break up. I registered for volunteering.

The other day I bought my ex a tin of Garrett popcorn and put it in the yoga studios that we go, since the stores are closing in my city. She likes this store very much. I didn’t think too much before I bought this, Initially I thought i wanted to have some sort of process(don’t know, may be talk again?) with this gesture, but later on i realized i don’t need it, or may be i don’t even want it.  I do want her to feel happy or appreciatve towards this, but, she doesn’t need to talk to me. I am happy that she felt happy(which she said so and was thankful for). After that, I felt that I have let go of something, coz i realize, I really don’t need to talk to her.

Regarding  your last post about my fear of being ‘stuck’. I did ponder on it a bit, i think there is a differnce between getting stuck with something i didn’t like / didn’t choose vs I did. For now, I am choosing my own life so I should be happy sticking with it/them. i did feel a bit loosen up afterwards, which lead me to proceed with my adoption.

This weekend, I am going to meet with a new person whom i met in a course that i attended a few weeks ago.It was a rainy day and we were outdoor, she approached me with her umbrealla coz i was only wearing raincoat(which was not enough under such heavy rain), that got us start talking, i asked her to see if she wanted to hike another time and she quickly said yes.

I found her really caring, she asked when i usually wake up so as to decide when we should meet, she is the one who suggested all the restaurants and let me choose. it’s a very different feeling from my ex whom I need to lead a bit more at times. I felt warm and taken care of somehow. I am unsure if she is gay or not, but it definitely feels good to meet a new friend who gives you positive energy. This time I will remember the qualities that i am looking for, honesty, monogamy, straghtforwardness. Let’s see if this goes anywhere.

Have a great morning on your side

Clara

Hello Anita

How are you?

So I spent a Sat morning with this person, she is quite easy to talk to, she seems to be caring and understanding. But I don’t feel any spark, I think we can be friends(and I am happy to be friends with her) for now, i think we will meet up later : )

Yes I remember the qualities I am looking for now. I am still looking for a pet to adopt, interesting I realized the process is similar. I saw a photo of a cat which is available for adoption. When I went to meet him, he was very nervous, I could not even touch him. That got me thinking: I like him in the photo, but he seems to be so nervous of me, would i be able to handle him?

It’s like I had sparks, but then the characters seem to be not matching. I guess it can take time for them to warm up, especially he was a stray cat in his early life(his hand was injured a year ago that got him to the shelter), I am pondering on this, on whether I should adopt him and develop (a relationship literally) with him

I guess I need to choose a cat first, before things get completed, and I need to change the window a bit to prevent them from jumping off the building etc. otherwise, it should be fast

I also, recently applied to be a volunteer on  a weekly basis, to one of the shelter for children. They are either abandoned/ in foster care, what I will do is, to provide individual attention(and attachment figure i assume) for these kids. I find this really fascinating and this excites me, as I am exploring my attachment and trying to help myself feeling more secure, I got this opportunity to help other human beings become more secure. This came to me as I realized how important attachment is.

Will update again later, wish you well!

Hello Anita

Thank you. I will try to remember re the sparks(one easily gets light-headed when sparks occur,  that’s my issue also)

I also feel uncomfortable that the cat is nervous around me. I express this to the shelter, that I am a new cat owner and that I am unsure if I can really bond with this nervous kiddo. The staff and volunteer in this shelter is very nice and they suggest me to visit him more to see how I feel later. I am opened to adopting two cats(since they can play together when I am not at home), and they are trying to help me find one that is friendly to this nervous cat and human.

I have visited many shelters these two months. They all gave me very different feelings, one of which have staff who seems not knowing much about the animals they have, nor do they seem to care. Later on I read online as well as heard from friends and other animal welfare volunteers that the owner of this ‘shelter’, actually get their cats from their own cat selling shop, thus these cats actually are either sick, or unsold, thus ends up here. The application form is a bit fishy also, as it kept asking if you would purchase things from them, whether you do pet grooming, check up before you adopt them etc etc.

Although I like one of the cats there, and that I have visited her a few times, I end up dropping the application because I feel that if I get the cats from there, i am indirectly encouraging what they are doing.

Then there is another one who is doing a lot of publicity, but when it comes to replying my messages,  they don’t seem to be active(as if this is not too much of a priority as well). I sense that the adoption is not a priority for them.

Then there is this agency that I am currently engaged with. I have went to their adoption day twice, and have spoked to quite  a number of ‘foster parents’, they are very honest and have told me the character of the cat that they are currently fostering. They are all telling different stories and I can sense they think being honest is the best policy to find potential adoptions. They would even have whatsapp support to let you know how to help the cat adapt, and how the cat has been in the foster home. I feel they genuine care about the cats. And the cats are all mixed breed, really one of those who are less preferred in here.

I feel the whole process is like finding a partner, with hiccups here and there, and finally found a person who seems to be the ‘right person'(still unsure)

re the volunteering programme. Yes i am excited about it also. I did hesitate for a bit since it is a one year long commitment. But I remember the time when I went solo travelling in south America. From there I learned some ‘fear'(for a lack of a better word) is good and is just because I am going out of my comfort zone, others are actual ‘fear’ that may cause harm.  I think this is a good fear and it’s just me going out of the comfort zone(plus I really the support the cause of this).
I feel a lot is happening after the breakup, and I am doing a lot of things that i truly want, now that I am not swayed or need to accommodate the needs of another person

Weather is changing and the autumn breeze feels nice. Hope you have a chance to enjoy the nice weather in this time of the year.

Clara

Hi Anita

So I visited this cat again, with a new paw friend whom the shelter tried to pair him with the nervous one, for me to consider adopting both.

The new baby(3.5 months old) is very cute and very friendly to human. After touching him for a bit he was longing for more and started to approach me for pat him and pamper him already. For the other one (4.5 years old), he was still a bit nervous but I am able to touch him finally.

Honestly I started to like the new baby a bit more, although they pair him so as to increase the 4.5 years old’s chance of adoption.

I will think for another few days, I know the baby is being asked about his availability, but this shelter is seeing if I am interested first.

Last night I had a dream. I am currently raising a hamster, and I saw her pregnant and i suddenly saw a few babies next to her.

Panicked and nervous, I started to check on the babies, at first i saw 4 then suddenly it became 3. The panicking goes on until I woke up.

I was thinking may be this is too much of a change for me, which is reflected in the dream

So now I have a few choices: 1) Adopt both; 2) Adopt either one of them(although they try to pair them but one is 3.5 months the other is 4.5 years old, I don’t know how they can work well); 3) Not adopt now/ at all/ look for other places.

I don’t know if I am too picky/ or may be I am simply not ready.

Re: volunteering. I got a chance to see the babies &  that I will potentially work with that day, some of the kids are so eager to look for human, keep waving and saying hi. They are so cute doing that but then it also means they are really eager to human connection. Hopefully I can give them a bit more interaction and sense of connectedness.

Thanks, until next time!

Hi Anita,

I did tell the shelter that I don’t mind having two, I think they can play with each other etc. So it’s not something random that they pulled out to me. but if they aren’t siblings/ friends to begin with, and with the age difference I feel this adds to the complication. and yes, I would feel more comfortable adopting the younger one, since I can’t feel the connection with the older one(although I laid eyes on the older one just photos,  first).Now when i think about it, i prefer adopting two already connected cats, and then i slowly establish relationship with them.

One of the reasons I go for cats, is that I feel having dogs take up even more responsibilities. With one cat I have to constantly go home and play with him/ her, but with two I can just let them be at home and they would feel more at ease. That’s a more comfortable level of responsibilities that I can take.

I kind of felt sorry that I didn’t pick the older one in the end(his chances are more limited since he is an adult), but then when i talk to others, I realized another friend of mine also know of a cat volunteer, who is having some other cats to give away. There are just so many of these and I think I can only consider what I can offer and what I like, because i simply cannot offer my care to every single animal in the world(especially I am a new owner). I can only choose the ones that genuinely makes my heart happy when I see them. I do feel happy with the 3.5 months old one, but then he will be alone if he comes to my place(being a young child I believe it’s best if he can have another cat).

I trust that this cat will find it’s fate and its owner(coz he really is very cute haha)

So, it’s another lesson for me, I like the younger one but i do not necessarily need to pursue a relationship with him, because the scenario does not seem to be fitting what I am aiming for. Similar to romantic relationship

Re the dream: I think it’s the fear of change, and this change is quite long term. It’s also the responsibilities, not so much about that they will die under my care(more like I would have lots to do). For that I need more time to settle.

Re volunteer: That’s what I am thinking too, I may find other source of happiness / fulfillment, even if I choose not to adopt in the end.

Thanks Anita

Hope you have a good night

Dear Clara:

“but if they aren’t siblings/ friends to begin with, and with the age difference I feel this adds to the complication“- I read online that whether an older cat will play with a kitten, “it really depends on the individual cat’s temperament and how they were socialized”, some older cats enjoy playing with kittens, others prefer the calm companionship of cats their own age. Regarding having two cats in the home, one of whom is an older nervous cat, it says, paraphrased: first, give the two cats their own separate spaces, over time when (and if) they get used to each other, have the two share a space, but make sure that the older cat has her space to retreat to when needed.

“and yes, I would feel more comfortable adopting the younger one… Now when I think about it, I prefer adopting two already connected cats, and then I slowly establish relationship with them“- so, adopting the younger one and the older, still anxious cat is not something you’re comfortable with..

“One of the reasons I go for cats, is that I feel having dogs take up even more responsibilities…“- I understand.

“I kind of felt sorry that I didn’t pick the older one… I simply cannot offer my care to every single animal in the world… I can only choose the ones that genuinely makes my heart happy“- I agree. People can be saintly short-term, sacrificially helping others, but we are not saints. When it comes to long-term relationships (with people or with pets), we need these to be Win-Win (mutual benefit): Win for your pet, Win for you!

“So, it’s another lesson for me, I like the younger one but I do not necessarily need to pursue a relationship with him, because the scenario does not seem to be fitting what I am aiming for. Similar to romantic relationship“- yes, similar: there is more to romantic relationships than liking. Liking is a part of the picture. Seeing the bigger picture/ scenario is important.

“Re the dream: I think it’s the fear of change, and this change is quite long term. It’s also the responsibilities, not so much about that they will die under my care (more like I would have lots to do). For that I need more time to settle“- a thought just crossed my mind: your ex was quite independent, practically and emotionally, not needy or clingy.. like a cat (unlike a dog). Were you attracted to her because with her you felt like you’d have less responsibilities/ less to do?

“Re volunteer: That’s what I am thinking too, I may find other source of happiness / fulfillment, even if I choose not to adopt in the end. Thanks Anita. Hope you have a good night“- you are definitely proactive regarding finding sources for happiness/ fulfillment, admirable! You are welcome and good night to you (it’s midnight your time).

anita

Hi Anita

Hope you are well. I am in Bali trying to search for things that enlighten my spirituality as well as helping myself to find some peace.

I am sitting right in front of a rice paddy and I would like to reply you here, before my flight back home.

Yes indeed I was attracted to her because of her independence as well. There was a part of me thinking: she was so independent, and I can just go on trip on my own as much as i want, and I can go travel with friends freely without feeling a burden to go home to my partner.

Somehow the table turned around and I become the needy one.

Honestly, even i travel alone this time, my mind is still filled with memories of her.

I am hoping to mentallly leave everything that happened behind in bali, so that I can go back as a fresh person.

Re the cat, I may foster one first. My friends got connection with a volunteer and there are two cats in need of a home, otherwise they will be released back to the street after sterilization. I said I could take care of them at least as a foster parents for now, guess it may be better than them loitering in the street.

update you again soon.

take care

Hi. Some thoughts to challenge you :

1. You’re not JUST friends. The intention was to have an intimate relationship.

2. This is triggering hurt feelings from your previous relationship. Listen to that.

3. Are you not walking away because this is the closest you’ve had to a relationship in a couple of years?

4. You already know what you deserve: A person who is on the same page as you. To stick around to support her is putting you in a vulnerable position just waiting to get hurt.

5. YOU said it best: “i feel like it is at an expense of my emotional wellbeing.”