Dear Ann:

IF he is a good enough father to his daughter, he should stay in the state where she is, this is his responsibility as her father. It is a good sign that he is in therapy, for as long as he is. For his own sake. For the sake of his daughter and for the sake of anyone interacting with him. I would say to you: observe him from the other state, follow his progress online/ phone, at times in person and IF his progress is reliable enough … and he is a good enough father to his daughter, then move back to his state.

anita

Dear Ann:

There are a few things to consider here, no wonder you are conflicted, torn between various desires, needs and concerns.

First there is your bf’s well being. If he goes back on drugs, if he does not continue improving through sobriety and therapy but regresses and you live with him at that point, that is going to be really bad for you, so you are afraid of this happening.

There is some discomfort with family and friends who warn you about the above and if it comes true, his regression, then there will be the I-told-you-so and you sort of lose points with them.

There is the issue of his little girl, him moving to your state and possibly she will suffer- even if it works out for you and him, you don’t want it to be at the expense of an innocent little girl, correct?

Then there is missing your family if you live in his state.

This is all overwhelming, too much to sort through, isn’t it? This is why I would say: no making decision about leaving where you are now and moving back to his state. Let’s figure it out: how long has it been since you moved away from him? How long since he has been in therapy? Let’s figure out the timing aspect. You can decide to postpone the need to MAKE a decision about moving to his state until an X number of months pass. And the condition is that he maintains his sobriety during that time and that he makes progress in his mental health.

Give it time and follow his progress during this time. You don’t have to decide all these things today or tomorrow: one thing at a time. First notice his progress within X number of months. Take it from there in that time to be, not now.

You need to reach a state of calm yourself, no pressure, no rushing. You have to be okay with living where you are living now and being mostly in online/tel communication with him.

You know that he didn’t do well in the past EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE WITH HIM. So it is a proven that there is no reason for you to think that your presence will guarantee or even contribute to him staying sober. This already happened, don’t ignore it but incorporate the experience you already have.

In your evaluation of him over time (as you keep yourself calm) notice how he deals with his ex gf giving him a hard time about seeing his daughter. It is times of stress that encourage regression and it is only with new tools and practice that he can adhere to healing during times of difficulty. What will be taking place in times of distress: regression or new tools/ new practice?

Do you think it is a good idea to set an X number of months before considering the question of to move or not to move (and before considering what is right for his daughter)?

anita

Dear Ann:

Dear Ann:

As to your last question, no: I gave my email address to a few people I met on this site and regretted that I did with all but one. I decided a few days ago to no longer transfer communications from the website to my own email and am applying this decision now for the first time.

But, some of these threads go on and on and on (if you look back months and years back). I am not aware of any length limit per thread AND you can start a new thread at any time. So we can continue here, if you’d like, for as long as it works for us.

I can see how excited you are about the phone conversation you and with him this afternoon, how optimistic you are (at times at least), how hopeful and how attached you are to him. It is very positive that he attended therapy for as long as he has and that he agrees on calming down, doing a monogamous long distance relationship.

You pointed here that you are “a lot” codependence with your family. This is making me think that it may be good for you, in the future to move away from them, and hopefully it will be with him. When time comes.

I like it that in your communication with him the two of you acknowledge you have issues to work through- this makes me very hopeful for the individual healing of the two of you as well as the future of your relationship.

I think six months is a good time limit before re-evaluation. So you have six months to not try to make a decision about where you should live and where he should live, six months for you to focus on your individual and couple healing. There is a lot of progress you can make long distance thanks to emails and phone. Make up with honesty for the lack of visual and touch. There is so much … mental touching in bare honesty.

Let’s keep this thread going and going… or start a new thread anytime. When I see Ann, I will know it is you.

anita

Dear Ann:

I read again all your posts on this thread. I am so sad that you are living with your family who does not appreciate you AT ALL, your words. So sad you are feeling such an obligation to … your mother is it? (Your father lives in another state)? Maybe there are siblings involved… if you can tell me who makes the family you are living with. You never lived on your own and I assume you are in your early or mid twenties?

I read your last post before I had dinner and during dinner I thought about it instead of enjoying my dinner. This is why I don’t want to do emailing again: I get upset seeing so much wrong out there. I get upset, distressed.

The wrong I am referring to is what you termed your co dependence with your family. Being so drawn to them, trying so hard to help them while not being appreciated, probably hanging on any semi expression of love by them as a motivator. What do you think is more difficult, for your bf to abstain from drugs or for you to abstain from your family? And who is better or worse, drugs to him or your family to you?

Problem is you have only two experiences to compare: living with your family OR living with him. Which is better, which is worse, I do not know. Between the two, I don’t know. What do you think…

anita

Dear Ann:

To understand enough, I need to know more: you stressed before that your family- your mother and sister then- do not appreciate you “AT ALL”: can you share what that means? Is it things they said- what is it they said- how has it been communicated to you, this lack of appreciation, since when and for how long?

Another question: how did your mother encourage your sense of obligation to help her, to stay overly connected to her and your sister (overly connected means too connected for your own good)?

anita