Home→Forums→Relationships→I Moved Away, But I Can't Live Without Him
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October 28, 2015 at 9:59 am #86319
AnonymousInactivewell… d’y’know what? you’re allowed to feel these wishes. You’re going through the grieving process and everything you feel is ok to feel.
fate has a funny way of working. no one knows what’s around the corner – maybe you two needed this time apart to sort yourselves out and re-learn who you both are as new people – maybe indeed your life as a new single you is about to start and you’re about to grow as anew person and who knows what talents you find inside yourself? maybe even you’re just going to have a period of wihsing and regret and that too shall pass and things will make sense…
just hold on and love yourself and play the game however feels right for you. you path will light itself up to you when it’s time
xx
October 28, 2015 at 10:05 am #86320AnonymousGuestDear Ann:
You have mixed feelings then, about helping your mother and sister financially and about living with them again and again into your mid thirties. On one hand you are happy to help, I assume you feel valuable for being able to financially help them but on the other hand, you are unhappy about it, feeling used by your sister and in effect, by your mother as well. You wrote she does not intend to use you and feels badly about it, but is a bit too comfortable with your financial help.
Ah… this lovely stage in theory when the child separated from the mother, the parents, the family or origin, becoming your own person, motivated and FREE to live your OWN life. What happened to that stage?
How do you feel when you imagine yourself separate and strong enough to live your own life without having to interrupt your own life every time your mother and sister need help with their lives? Guilty? Without value? Excited? Does it seem like a dream come true, if it happened…?
And you feel you have no choice- that is a bummer in the quest for freedom, having no choice.
yes, you do have a choice- can you imagine: you do have a choice? There is no law forcing you to keep the umbilical cord connected to the family-or-origin, mother and sister. You will not be arrested, imprisoned- wait, you are imprisoned and quite comfortable with the imprisonment except when the Born-to-be-Free part of you gets a scent of that freedom you are meant to live.
If you ever choose to cut the umbilical cord, that is to set limits with your mother and sister, you will have to pay the price, the price being feelings of guilt and fear and distress of simply operating so differently than before.
Born-to-be-Free but too afraid. It would have been wonderful if your relationship with the man in the other state was such that you could grow into freedom within the context of a relationship that encouraged you to be free. Being free does not mean being alone. Being free within the context of a relationship means that the relationship is such that supports your natural quest to be free.
Your relationship with your mother is such that discourages your quest for freedom. Whether or not she has no mean bone in her body, I don’t know. Children- of any age- see the best of their parents, no matter what. In which ever case, she has not encouraged you – or your sister- to be free. Two out of two. Now, if she could accomplish that without presenting a mean bone in her body, it means to me, there was no need. Whatever she did do- worked.
People do what works for them, overtly or covertly, they do what works.
If I was your mother, Ann, I would kick you out of the apartment and send you to live on your own. Yes, Ann, I would do that. Because I would know that …you are born to be free.
Even if it means I would have to rent a room in someone’s home or even live in a shelter (and I have done both, so I know what I am talking about).
Why is it that we children, adult children, sacrifice so much for our parents, when they … let us. Why do they let us? Don’t they SEE we need their love AND we need to be free?
When they condition their love, overtly or covertly, on us not being free- is that really love? IF they don’t see we need to be free, if they don’t see the anxiety and depression involved in imprisonment, is that love?
I mean, if she, your mother, can’t SEE your well being as something that exists or is of value…do you get me?
anita
October 28, 2015 at 1:50 pm #86330AnonymousInactivePomp:
I really appreciate the reality check about it being OK to feel these feelings. I know its a process. Its just so scary when I start to have these thoughts, I start to overthink things and wonder if I made a mistake.
I keep trying to remind myself that no one knows what the future holds. But that also scares me (overthinking again) because of what happened medically with my sister, I am so afraid of living my life without him and something bad happens and I never got to be with him. Ugh, it just makes me want to cry. I’m looking forward to the day when it all makes sense.
I am going to try and take it easy on myself. I will just take it one day at a time. It’s so hard to do that though when I have all these thoughts and feelings pulling me in so many different directions.
October 28, 2015 at 1:57 pm #86332AnonymousInactiveAnita:
I would be happy to help, if I knew there would be an eventual end. It just seems to be an ongoing problem. Once they get back on their feet and god forbid something else happens, here I go again to rush in and save everyone. It’s no way to live.
My mom came from a bad marriage, never really held a long term job (she has anxiety and maybe other things, who knows) and has always had someone take care of her, her entire life. But she has not led a glamorous life by any means. Ever since we were old enough, my sister and I just knew one of us would also care for mom. I cant even picture her living on her own!
If I was strong enough to live my own life, I would only feel guilty if they made me feel guilty. If they said not to worry and that they would figure something out, I would be ok. The idea of that makes me VERY excited. Yes, absolutely a dream come true.
(I will write more later when I get a chance)…. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
October 28, 2015 at 5:11 pm #86335AnonymousGuestDear Ann:
In the post before last you wrote about your bf: “I am so afraid of living my life without him and something bad happens…” and above you wrote about your mother and your sister: “Once they get back on their feet and god forbid something else happens..”
I see your anxiety, fearing something BAD will happen.
No wonder you are anxious, afraid, having grown into fear as a child with a mother that did not give you a SAFE place to grow up- not being strong for you when you were a child… and still.
Dear, dear Ann, how I WISH for you to disentangle yourself from your mother, from your role as her savior. It was never a fair role for you to be given and to take upon yourself- you were a child, needing safety NOT one to give safety or salvation. This is so unfair, so very wrong.
It is not right for YOU, Ann- put yourself FIRST for a change. Who will if you do not? Your mother did not put you first, still don’t and never will. Who will then? There is nobody that will but you, if you choose to.
You do need to be strong enough to not take on the guilt. You wrote your mother does not have a bad bone in her person- indeed she doesn’t have to exhibit any overt abuse of you- she has you hooked as is.
You are in your mid thirties, Ann. I waited until I was fifty. Please do not wait as long as I have. It took me two years of guilt to finally have the freedom to enjoy some peace of mind.
anita
October 28, 2015 at 5:14 pm #86336AnonymousGuestCorrection: “You need to be strong enough to feel the guilt and put yourself first anyway.
and “It took me two years of no contact with my mother, feeling guilty over it, to finally have the freedom…
anita
October 28, 2015 at 5:38 pm #86338AnonymousGuestAnother correction: You need to be strong enough to feel the anxiety (fearing that something bad will happen to your mother if you don’t … save her) and put yourself first. Feel the fear and do it anyway. I think it is the fear that is greater than the guilt, isn’t it?
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