Good Day Tiny Buddha family!

I haven’t been on here in awhile because my life has been changing so much and I have been busy and transitioning from new jobs and new places to live! I was on here first about 9 months ago hurting about my ex who left me and how our relationship was unhealthy. I feel I literally went crazy after everything happened. He didn’t want anything to do with me. I don’t care to rewrite what happened because I feel it is so exhausting to even talk about anymore, but what I need to know is how to forgive myself. I have been having this constant battle with forgiving myself. I am so easily forgiving of others, but the battle is myself. I asked my ex the other day if I could meet up half way to see him and get more closure before the year was out so I could move on with a peace of mind and it was fine if he didn’t feel comfortable and he said no he wouldn’t meet but he would be more than happy to answer my questions then he misinterpreted my text before I could even ask questions and was so quick to anger and he didn’t want to meet and I asked if I could call then because I feel I deserve more than texts back and forth. What is wrong with people thinking that it is okay to text on issues that are so much bigger and not just call or meet? I don’t understand this generation. I am young and in this generation haha but I just don’t understand that. He told me I blew it and of course I was hurt to hear. All these questions I have for him that I won’t get answers to. I have to try and move on without them, but how can I it has been 9 months and I still cry and there is still a pain in my chest that won’t go away. I’ve been drinking a lot more lately to ease the pain which I wasn’t doing at all in the beginning. We were together a year and a half. I feel like I’m back to day 1 and he broke my heart all over again. How do I stop thinking about how he didn’t care about me or love me and the abuse? How he went back to his ex before me’s family and continues to keep them around? It was a slap in the face. And how can I still care and love someone who treated me that way? Why hasn’t my heart turned to stone yet from all the people that have hurt me but I forgive them and not myself? He told me I assume an awful lot for not having answers, but when I want them he acts so awful and just seems to prove more and more all of the “assumptions” I have. ANY advice would help! Sorry if this seems all over the place. I suppose I should compose myself more before writing! Thank you! 🙂