April 5, 2015 at 11:03 am #74909
I’m a 19 year old female, and things haven’t been great in my life for about 8 years now but have been worse the last two years. I wouldn’t say I had a difficult childhood. My dad didn’t care about me and my siblings and left us to live at the other side of the world. He never cared about us and only rang us when it suited him. He lied to us, he never paid maintenance, quite frankly he just didn’t care about us and now we haven’t heard from him in about 3/4 years.
High school really affected me as I was always picked on for the way I looked and people looked down on me like a I was a piece of rubbish on the bottom of their shoe. I lost all my self confidence, and started to change certain things about myself to try and fit in. I tried to change the way I looked, I tried to act more like them and never did anything that I thought they would laugh at me for and I even changed my handwriting so it was like theirs. I remember a teacher had marked my book once and had wrote in the margin on one of the pages asking if I was okay because my handwriting kept changing and got to the point where it was a right mess. Eventually, I realised that no matter how much I changed myself, people would still treat me like rubbish, so what the point? I decided I wanted to be myself again but I had gone to far, there was no going back.
My confidence was shattered and 6-8 years later im still suffering. I feel awkward when I talk to people even people who I get on really well with, I am so cautious that i’m going to say the wrong thing and they will judge me or laugh at me behind my back. I sometimes mumble when I talk for the same reason or just not make any sense when I talk and end up confusing myself and the person i’m talking too. My words get jumbled up sometimes.
I have such a great family and we are all close with other. I have two older brothers, a younger brother and a little sister. I feel left out all the time and am at the point where I dread family events. Everyone loves my brothers. We had a get together last night for my little brothers 16th birthday, my auntie says “aww my baby boys are all growing up”. This upset me because what about me? People don’t like listening to me as they all want here about my brothers and their amazing lives because everyone is so proud of them. My little brother gets treated as if he is older than me and im getting sick of it. I may as well just not be part of this family because im such a let down. My mum does it too but I don’t think she realises she does it. She always goes out of her way to make my brothers birthdays specials she has done it for all three of them but never me. why?
I realise im rambling on right now, and if your still reading, im sorry. I just feel like I need to get it off my chest and the only way to make people understand is too tell my story. My mum reckons im suffering from depression and anxiety and thinks i need to get antidepressants. Part of me wants to go on antidepressants because i’ve tried counselling which didn’t help, so it’s my last option and I want to get better because I want to be happy. I’m scared, im scared of going to the doctors, im scared about the side effects, im scared about how it will affect my life and how people will judge me and more importantly im scared of it not working.
I’m sorry for the long post, im just really struggling, this is only part of my story, there is so much more I have going on in my life and I just don’t know what to do anymore but I should probably mention one last thing. I’ve had a still have suicidal thoughts but I don’t want to die and am scared of dying (hence my anxiety) but part of me feels it would be easier. I have also self harmed once but would never do it again. It made me feel great but the way my mum was disappointed in me, I cant do it again.April 5, 2015 at 3:34 pm #74921JamesParticipant
Sorry you’ve not been feeling great. All is not lost I’m sure of it. It sounds like you’d benefit from speaking to your family and expressing your feelings. I’m sure they’d understand if you tried talking. Please remember that your experiences are NOT you. Its just your story and it doesn’t take away from the good soul you are underneath it.
I’ve battled with anxiety before in the past and still get bouts of it now, along with getting the blues. When you decide that you’ve suffered enough, this is when spiritual transformation can happen! I wish I’d learnt this when I was your age, it would have made my 20’s better!
When you’re feeling down the worse thing to do is mull it over and over. You can’t let this thing win!
I’ve learnt some valuable tricks when it comes to keeping a positive outlook and they are as follows……..
1.healthy eating (you are what you eat after all, eat wholesome, nourishing foods, try to cut out meat, eat fresh, try juicing, stay hydrated)
2.sleep, keep a regular sleep pattern
3.don’t worry too much about life goals, enjoy the ride! There are no more important goals in life than that of being happy. Put happiness above everything else! The most important goal!
4.write journals, be creative, get out and enjoy nature
5.exercise. Its very important to keep physically healthy
6.keep spirtually healthy. Let me recommend some life changing books to help you. These have helped me so much and I wouldn’t be without them now. The art of happiness by the dalai lama. The power of now by Eckhart tolls. The gifts of imperfection by brene brown.
I hope this is of some help.
Keep stromg, you can do it!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂April 6, 2015 at 1:29 pm #74970
Thank you for taking the time to help me, it means a lot, especially with how alone i feel at the moment. I will read the books you have recommended to see if they will help me although I feel that talking to my family will not be of any use. My family think I create these problems myself and that I should just get over them. Ive tried to discuss this with them before but it didn’t help. I recently found out my mum used to moan about how I was acting to my brother and used to tell him things I had told her in confidence. They except me to sort all the family problems as if i am the only person causing them.
I have an image in my head of the person I want to be. I have tried and tried to be this person but I cant seem to manage it. I try to eat healthy but I am a pescitarian and I dislike vegetables and salads. I have tried to eat them but I have an issue with them and can barely put them in my mouth without retching. Everything just feels like a challenge. Every morning I get up and just have no motivation to do anything.April 6, 2015 at 3:19 pm #74977JamesParticipant
Hi again. Hope you’re feeling a little better. I think you should start by taking baby steps to achieve your goal of being who you want to be. From what you’ve said I totally don’t think you’re completeley broken to the point of no return. Youre so young and can easily change your life around but its important to take small steps to achieve your goals. Have you ever considered any CBT or other therapies? I once had a course of mindfulness based CBT and it worked well in pointing me in the right direction. The answers lie within you, believe me on that. Be aware of negative self talk and when you find yourself talking in that way let it pass over you and don’t engage in it. Really research mindfulness, it’ll help you more than any anti-depressnt ever will. You hold the key to your own happiness!! 🙂April 6, 2015 at 8:03 pm #74988AlParticipant
It is almost a global societical belief and perhaps even inherent in nature that we must compare ourselves to others in order to measure our own worth. And, sadly, without proper guidance and influence to teach us otherwise, we come to wholly embrace and adopt this unwholesome view. And sometimes, there are those of us who never grasp this concept and eternally suffer.
My dear, do not languish and believe you are worth nothing. If you allow yourself to open your eyes and heart (and perhaps even inner-universe) you will come to see that you are a painting yet to be completed. The canvas you are painting on has only begun to be brushed upon. The strokes you’ve made are still too few and lacking in colors and shapes you’ve yet to unveil and use. Do you truly want to already give up on your own incomplete masterpiece? Nineteen years is still very young. And beautiful. There are still a great many palettes for you to discover. Don’t you wish to further adventure and unearth them?
As for comparing your canvas to others, do you truly wish for your painting to be the same exact as theirs? Or would you rather your own? It is true that some of the strokes on someone else’s painting will look better than some of yours. And rightly so! It just means they’ve had a beautiful encounter/experience which left a shapely magnificent mark. We should be joyous for them for the occasion(s) they encountered. And, likewise, there are sure to be great strokes on your own painting as well for the same exact reasons. Our lives lead us on different paths, as it should, and we should learn to be happy for one another when we are blessed with such events. However, do not expect grand encounters to simply fall in your lap. While it’s possible for them to we must remember that we retain the ability to choose our own paths, our own lives, as to shape them into what we desire them to be. Simply sitting and wishing for favor to turn our way is sure to hinder and possibly halt our inner advancement and motivation.
So please, continue forth. Continue to experience it all. Even the negative. It’s what will allow you to make the distinction between what’s pretty and what’s ugly so as to help you on choosing the right flavors for your painting. And, please also recall that we are all busy painting our own masterpiece and so it may not always be possible to ask/receive help. In these circumstances, do your best to remain understanding. Our canvas is ultimately a trial and error endeavor which requires constant patching hence adding to our already difficult task and furthering our inability to assist/support one another. This is not to say we are heartless but simply that we must do our best to remain kind and loving to eachother. In this way, we will be assisting in fulfilling eachother’s masterpieces.
I hope this helps and apologize for any grammatical mistakes I tend to make.
AlApril 7, 2015 at 9:33 am #75016ginkosanParticipant
you have your own personality. Don’t try to change youself just for the sake of other people. Many times we try to change ourselves in order to get accepted in social surrounding, but in the process we lose our individuality and as a result we feel confused day by day. Therefore I think you need to accept and love yourself first. Accepting our own self does not mean that we should stop improving as a person. One should always strive to become a good person and should try to inculcate good habits. But we should not try to become what other people want us to become. i.e. our definition of good person should not depend upon perception of other people. I know it is very difficult at this stage for you to accept yourself as it is, because it seems that you are always looking at yourself through the eyes of other people. But you have to start working on it as early as possible, because it is the key to solve your problems, and for that you have to completely change your mindset and thinking process. And changing mindset and thinking process is the most difficult thing, but it certainly not an impossible one.
In order to change mindset, first start reading some inspirational and motivational books. Above @perfectweathertofly has mentioned a book by Eckhart Tolle, which could be a good starting point. You can also take a look at Works of Swami Vivekanand, such as “http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complete_Works_of_Swami_Vivekananda/Volume_1/Karma-Yoga”. You can get complete works of Swami Vivekanand on the internet free of cost, because it is in public domain. Once you’ve completed reading these books, you have to move on to meditation. Because changing thought patterns is very difficult, and simply reading books won’t suffice many times, because our old behaviour pattern keep coming back to us from time to time. Hence we need meditation also in order to break this cycle of destructive thoughts. But first start reading books.
Now about antidepressant, I think you should avoid it as much as possible. Because You are not depressed at all, it’s just negative thought patterns that you have accumulated over the years is creating all sorts of problem for you. And in order to get out of these negative thought patterns one needs to have a strong will, which can come through reading and meditation, and not by medicines.
Apart from these, I will suggest you to develope some good hobby that will keep you busy in free time. Because in many cases, our personality is shaped by what we do in our free time. And I think a good hobby along with reading and meditation can do wonders in your case.
Just have a faith in youself and your abilities, you are going to be fine very soon!!
My Best WishesApril 8, 2015 at 12:59 am #75050
I want to thank you all for taking time out of your day to reply to me, I really appreciate the help and advice you have given. I am going to the read the books that you have suggested and try mindfulness and meditation. I am willing to do whatever it takes to help me get over this because I feel like I am running out of ways and opportunities to do so. I am moving away from home in September to start university and I want things to be better by then because I feel like that’s my chance to have a new start with new people, this is my target. I have noticed that when I speak to people I say the wrong thing. For example at my work, a friend of mine was just finishing work as I was starting, and instead of asking her what time she started I asked her what time she finished, without even thinking. I have had many cases of this happening. I work in a shop and have said the wrong thing to what I was supposed to say to a customer before. I was also completing one job and all of a sudden I started doing a different job without even realising. These are daily occurrences with me and I’m always forgetting things – is this normal?
@perfectweathertofly I have tried CBT before, I went to some CBT counselling sessions and found it didn’t help me so I decided to try talking therapy. Talking therapy did help me to deal with things in my life a lot better, and things did improve. However it didn’t help me boost my confidence, feel happier and better about myself, help me to become the person I want to be or help me to get over my anxiety. How did you deal with your anxiety. I feel that every morning, I wake up and feel nervous about what that day might bring. I get anxious when I go out in my car. I think im just anxious about me or someone in my family dying, that’s what I’m afraid of.April 9, 2015 at 10:10 am #75120ginkosanParticipant
From what you’ve said in your last post, I feel that you’ve very difficult time remaining in present moment. And that’s why you are experiencing forgetfullness and anxiety about future. But in order to live in present, one needs to tame one’s own mind, for which meditation can be very useful. Therefore, if possible I’ll ask you to look into Vipassana Insight Meditation. I’ve written a very long reply about Vipassana in the post
In that post I’ve also listed some documentaries on Vipassana, which you should watch, in order to understand about the technique.
As you are planning to attend university from this September, I think, you must attend atleast one 10-day Vipassana course before joining the university. These courses are held all over the world, just find out the one nearest to your locality as given in their official website “http://www.dhamma.org/en-US/index”. And yes these courses are completely free of cost and no hidden charges.
This meditation technique is 2500 years old, and believed to have been invented by Buddha himself.
Sometimes we think that, when we think too much then we can find out solution to our problems. But actually sometimes it’s very necessary to shut off our mind from all the thoughts. And this Vipassana meditation technique will teach you how to empty mind and only observe the things as they are without thinking.
This meditation technique will certainly help you deal with not only anxiety but it can change complete attitude of individual towards life in a positive manner, provided you sincerely practice it regularly in your daily life after 10-day Vipassana course.
As you are 19, I think you can certainly go for 10-day Vipassana course, because minimum age to attend these courses is 18.
If you feel that, you are not ready for full fledge 10-day meditation course, then there are also 3-day courses organised for individuals below 18 years. You can ask special permission for attending 3-day course.
I hope above information will help you in taking correct course of action.
ginkosanApril 18, 2015 at 5:26 pm #75515BenzRabbitParticipant
Not having a Dad when growing up is difficult….and high school can add to that !
Don’t even try to change your family…it is very difficult and will only get you frustrated !!
You are young and just starting life – what matters now is that you have faith in yourself and in your dreams. Be the unique individual you were created to be…..and ignore the haters !
Please read this simple article – here is the link: http://www.wikihow.com/Build-Self-Worth
Here is one on depression: http://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-Depression
I pray your angels guide you forward and wish you a happy, joyful life ahead !
GOD Bless !!April 18, 2015 at 5:41 pm #75516