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I need some advice on accepting myself even if others don't

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  • August 29, 2015 at 8:07 am #82560
    Anonymous
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    You are making sense to me. I wonder if your father was more accepting- sounding to you on the phone because you didn’t call him for a while and he doesn’t want to lose you. He may be motivated by this fear, not by a true change of heart. He may not be taking you for granted at this point, which is a good thing. As long as he is not rejecting and hurtful to you, I think it is fine to have a relationship with him, a relationship conditional on him accepting, or at least not expressing rejection of you. It is okay for you to let him know that this is your condition for a relationship with him.

    You stated that you love your father, well, this is fine and dandy to love him and be in contact with him as long as the same rule applies to him as to any other person in the world: for as long as he talks and acts toward you with respect, and does not mistreat you.

    The principle of the matter is: nobody is allowed to mess with you; nobody is allowed to mistreat you, no matter who they are.

    About you not being accepting of all other people: if you mean that in your thinking you are rejecting of some, that is fine. I don’t think there is a single person in the world who is accepting of all other people at all times. No way. It is what a person DOES that matters. If you think negatively about a person, that is okay, as long as your behavior is not abusive. You are okay as a human being no matter what you think as long as your behavior is not abusive (“Do no Harm”)

    And so, it doesn’t matter what your father thinks about you being gay, he may dislike it for the rest of his life- and I hope it is okay with you. He is allowed to think and feel whatever he thinks and feels- just as you. He is not allowed to say and do hurtful things to you. I wouldn’t reject him for what he cannot help (his thoughts and feelings). I hope you can clearly see this point.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by tinybuddha.
    August 29, 2015 at 2:32 pm #82571
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I wonder the same thing, but he does seem like he still wants a relationship with me despite the fact that I am gay and he doesn’t like it. He hasn’t said or done anything hurtful to me lately. The last time he did was when he found out I am dating a girl and not a guy. That was 2 or 3 months ago. But since I stopped talking to him, and then called and talked to him a few days ago he seems to learn to accept me and he doesn’t say anything mean to me. So I think that is a good start on his part. I understand that if he does this again, that I should not keep talking to him or at least have a relationship with him anymore. It is not healthy to have a relationship with anyone who is hurtful and I acknowledge that. I have stopped talking to very many people who have hurt me for hurting me in some way or another. But its my dad, and in my heart and mind he deserves one more chance. I think you might have misread that part Anita, If not I apologize I was really tired last night when I wrote that. I do accept all people, but if anyone disrespects me than I don’t see a reason to treat them with respect. It is not ok to disrespect anyone, but what I mean is if I am disrespected by someone I speak up for myself and let them know that what they said or did is not ok and that I will not put up with being treated that way. Anita, I totally understand what you are say about me not rejecting my father for his negative thoughts and feelings about being gay, and just accept him for the good things he thinks and says to me or about me. EVRYONE is entitled to have their own opinion, thoughts, and feelings about anything and everything. I may not like that he dislikes that I am gay, but I still love him and I will not hold a grudge about it. I know many people out there who are not ok with people being gay, but that’s ok. They can think what they want. As long as everyone has someone to support them then that’s what I think matters.

    August 31, 2015 at 2:13 pm #82630
    Anonymous
    Guest

    I didn’t respond to this before although I read it because it seemed to me that you got it and saw no need for further input. I understand your desire to have a relationship with your father with whom you grew up. You understand that his thoughts and feelings are his business and that what matters is how he BEHAVES with you, that he treats you with respect regardless of his negative thoughts about you being gay or antyhing else he may not like. You understand how important it is to assert yourself with people and to avoid the company of people hurtful to you. All good things, thumbs up!
    anita

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by tinybuddha.
    September 1, 2015 at 7:06 am #82657
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thanks Anita.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by tinybuddha.
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