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I need space

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  • #309891
    Mae
    Participant

    I recently started seeing a past situation 3 weeks ago. Background on our relationship: we met at a time where I was the most physically, spiritually and mentally secure in myself. I had seen him everywhere and there was always an energy that attracted me to him (Maybe because we’re both scorpios?). Our relationship in the past was a no strings attached fb type of relationship, but internally I wanted it to be more. Leading up to the end of our first cycle we told each other we liked each other, but the main issue was that he never changed the way he acted towards me after confessing that we liked each other. Which was detached, and passive about the whole thing… not to mention he was still getting over a heartbreak. so I ended things, told him I had abandonment issues, and he never replied (ghosted me for 2 yrs) . skip two years later and an ig follow three weeks ago we reconnect again and begin where we left off which is occasionally hooking up. This time I tell him I want a relationship, but I’m not sure if it should be with him so we agree to take it slow. Again we get to this place where we both acknowledge that we like each other, but I feels like I’m pulling the relationship, and he’s just there responding. Recently his grandfather died, and he became even more distant than before so I address it by acknowledging he is going through a very tough time but I need attention, and this relationship feels stagnant. He said he understands that I need more attention, but he’s not sure he can give that to me now… then asks for space. Thanks me for understanding and stops talking to me, but is on social media communicating with everyone else. I feel a little bit lost and frustrated, because I really like him. He is open, kind, present, emotionally mature… but there are the qualities I  do not like. The passivity, and apathy that I feel whenever I’ve said ‘hey I kinda feel like leaving’ he just says ok, like I am not a factor in his life. I’m split between thinking that I’m in this because I don’t want to be alone, or I really want to stay grow and learn to love him. I’m also scared that “I need space” is the prelim to the end of this short lived reunion.  I don’t know it all sucks, I’m not even sure what I mean by “I like him” if its just attachment to the idea of him or him as a person who can challenge me and help me grow individually.

    #309897
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mae:

    You wrote: “the main issue was that he never changed the way he acted towards me after confessing that we liked each other. Which was detached, and passive about the whole thing… not to mention he was still getting over a heartbreak”.

    The heartbreak that he suffered was following a relationship with another woman to whom he felt attached (not detached) and active, seeking her company, pursuing her (not passive), correct?

    If so, if he acted attached and active with his ex girlfriend but has acted detached and passive with you, I imagine that he likes you way less than he liked her or as much as you like him, and that is why he ghosted you for two years and why the relationship is stagnant.

    Finding a man who does pursue you, who is actively seeking your company is a way better idea than trying to create a desire for you in a man who does not desire you (beyond occasional hookups, that is).

    anita

     

    #309901
    Mae
    Participant

    we discussed this when we reconciled last month. He said that he was not actively pursuing her, but he was attached to her when we were first together. He said he was going to therapy too around the time we got together. After we ended things he did end up trying to work things out with her but it never worked out.. But I do agree I do deserve to be pursued, and desired the same way I pursue and desire him.  It’s right there in my face. I was just thinking that enough time maybe hasn’t passed, and I’m being impatient maybe he’ll come around? He seemed motivated enough to tell me he liked me, and enjoyed spending time with me… maybe he just doesn’t know how to show it.  Or I’m being very naive, and showing to ignore the signs… idk.

    #309905
    Mae
    Participant

    In addition to this, he did say he was like this with everything, and everyone in his life. Passive, that he did not talk to anyone as much as me, or entertain anyone else other than me… but it has felt like I have been the only reason why all those things are true. so far…

    #309907
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mae:

    “I was just thinking that enough time maybe hasn’t passed, and I’m being impatient maybe he’ll come around? He seemed motivated enough to tell me he liked me, and enjoyed spending time with me”-

    – it is too easy to say the following: I like you. I enjoy spending time with you. It takes only a few seconds, maybe ten seconds. It doesn’t burn more than a calorie or two to say that, maybe way less than a single calorie. It is just too easy. And sure he likes you, but you want him to like you more than.. he likes let’s say a banana which he is okay having once a week or so.

    Regarding waiting for him to come around, as in waiting for him to develop a desire  to be with you, as in it being a high priority for him- no use in waiting for that to happen over time. He met you years ago, chose to ghost you for two years- he doesn’t have a desire  to be with you as in a high priority.

    Distinguish between a man’s desire to hook up and a man’s desire to spend time with you because he wants to know more and more about how you think and feel and what you want in life, and so forth, a man who enjoys you outside sex and without sex.

    anita

    #309909
    Mae
    Participant

    Thank you. All this is true I should definitely prioritize my own happiness before waiting for someone to see me the same way I see them.

    #309915
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mae:

    “Prioritize my own happiness before waiting for someone” to prioritize you- excellent: you placing yourself in high priority in your own life. When you do that you accept people who respect and value you into your life and reject those who don’t.

    anita

    #309917
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Mae,

    Ah, Scorpios! Gotta love ‘em! But lightly! They are too intense, even when they ghost you! Let him go like the Scorpio YOU are! Then, five years later, you’ll have a chance!

    Virgo-esque,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Inky.
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