I only dated him a month almost a year ago. Can’t get over him. HELP!

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This topic has 8 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 11 months ago by Eliana.

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December 8, 2017 at 6:29 am #181067

Deanna
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Me and this guy that I really like hit it off and spent a lot of time together for a month. We met from an online dating site. He would call and text me every day. We were exclusively dating each other. But after I asked him after a month if he saw a future with us and if he, at some point down the line, wanted a relationship, he said he wasn’t sure when he’d be ready for a serious relationship. He had a lot going on: he has a child and is not in good financial shape, he lives with his parents and his in his early 30s (I’m 27), and I think he feels that he’d be inadequate as a partner. I’m not sure if all these things still apply almost a year later (besides having a child, of course), but I’m pretty sure they do.

After that convo, I reacted viscerally and got really upset. And I sent a text apologizing for the visceral reaction, but that I was just thrown off guard. He responded saying that I didn’t need to apologize and that he wants to continue to get to know me and that he’s glad he met me. He took me out for my birthday shortly after, but I haven’t seen him since. He texted me something simple and short a week or so afterwards.

I asked him to get together shortly after, but he made up some excuse. It was hurtful to me. He also said we should get together back in March “sometime.” bull shit. I know his life is really unstable but I wish he could’ve just communicated why exactly he couldn’t pursue a relationship. It could’ve been that he lost attraction or that his family and financial situations just made him feel inadequate to date. I know in retrospect that his situation was less than ideal for an adult relationship, but I truly had feelings for him and was willing to see past it.

I’m not sure if it’s total ghosting, but he’s really only texted me a couple times since (once in May, Snapchat message in response to a Snap a few weeks ago). Have any of you ever been in a similar situation? Has a guy ever ghosted you only to return to you, and if so, did you take him back? I can’t get over him nearly a year later and it’s really really annoying.

December 8, 2017 at 7:26 am #181085

Anonymous
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Dear Deanna:

For my better understanding, I ask-

You wrote that after a month of dating you asked him if he saw a future with you. What did he say in response and what was your “visceral reaction” to his response: what words/ behavior did you express to him at the time?

anita

December 9, 2017 at 7:48 am #181189

Deanna
Participant

Hi anita,

yes, i asked him if he saw a future with us after a month. he said that he wasn’t sure, but that he likes and cares for me a lot. he said he wasn’t sure if he was mentally ready because of his life circumstances. so, i was pretty upset and was almost on the verge of tears—i didn’t kiss him goodbye. i also told him that he’s basically wasting my time. i just reacted childishly instead of being more understanding and taking what he said at face value. i have since kind of forgiven myself for that, but not fully.

here’s the thing, though: he told me a couple weeks prior that he wanted a relationship and would say relationshipy things a lot. but then he’d tell me he’s scared. in retrospect, he was was telling me ultimately that he just wasn’t ready and clearly he didn’t know what he really wanted, but i had my rose-colored glasses on. also, i think we moved really fast. regardless, i want to get over him.

December 9, 2017 at 8:39 am #181195

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Deanna:

It reads to me that your interest in him was to love him and to be loved by him. You understood that he was not at the best of circumstances, but you were willing to continue to have a loving relationship with him regardless and to move forward in that relationship.

I think you can get over him but not of that need to love and be loved. For as long as it is him you associate with that need, it will be tough, probably impossible to get over him. If you direct your need toward someone else, a more suitable, capable and willing man, then you will get over him.

anita

December 10, 2017 at 1:23 am #181309

Therlie
Participant

Hi dear,

Perhaps you should just give him a little bit of space, and were things to soon to take off. You can still text him etc. but just give him some space for a while and see how it goes. Don’t try to force someone in something if they are not ready as this is never going work. If he is right for you, you will get together eventually.

Love

December 10, 2017 at 1:53 am #181319

Rica
Participant

I´m exactly in the same situation. But It´s been only few days he said he is not in his best condition to have a relationship. I don´t know what to do because I was in the same situation two years before. I´ve agreed on being friends that time and of course he found a girlfriend and treated me as his best friend. So don´t do this. Leave him be. If he wants you he must say it and prove it! The situation two years ago destroyed my mental health for a long time.

December 10, 2017 at 5:53 am #181371

Deanna
Participant

Therlie,

Thanks for your feedback. It’s been almost a year since I’ve last seen him and he’s been the only one who’s initiated texts since. And that was only once. So, I’ve given him A LOT of space and dated a few times since then. But like you said, if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen when it’s supposed to. In the meantime, though, I’d like to NOT think about him every day. It’s emotionally exhausting.

December 10, 2017 at 5:55 am #181373

Deanna
Participant

Hi Rica,

How long was the most current relationship, and how long was the one two years ago? It is really hard on the mental with situations like these—I totally sympathize with you! There is light at the end of the tunnel, though. 🙂

December 10, 2017 at 6:53 am #181391

Eliana
Participant

Hi Rica,

I was in a similar situation. However, unlike you, I never met this man. I had an online romance with a handsome man I met from the middle east. It was attraction and bonding from day 1. I met him on a social media site. We video chatted every day. He was the first person I saw and messenger first thing in morning and last in the evening. I fell head over heels with him. It does happen, you can meet someone online, never touch them, and fall in love and emotional bonding. However, everything that came out of his mouth was all lies, but I was so caught up in him, I was in my own world of fairy tale love. He said he wanted to move to United States and have a future with me, that he loved me and so on..I pictured a future with a man twenty years younger than me, from Iraq, lost his job as a chef. Maybe he wasn’t even a chef, who knows. I tried to find a job for him here, a scholarship, anything. He even tried to apply for immigration to Canada. It got turned down. Then he knew I knew owners of several restaurants, and my Dad knew owners as he used to be in the restaurant business. He started pressuring me to “ask these owners” for $10,000 to loan him so he could get here, and he would pay it back. That’s when I “woke up” knowing he was Catphishing me. I asked him to leave me, and he did without a fight. We were very romantic for almost two months. This was last September in 2016. I cried over him for months. Could not get him out of my head. All I saw was the “future” he lied about and created for us. His birthday was October, about a year since the “break up”. I thought about texting him, but after the break up, I deleted my profile on Facebook. Couldn’t hate to look at his romantic quotes to other women. This is why I think no contact. Because it will prolong the misery and thinking about him. New year’s eve went by, kept thinking I would hear from him..nothing. My birthday in January 2017..nothing. He did not love me. I felt broken and ashamed.

This is why “online” relationships often do not work. You never know who you are meeting. They may be married, arranged marriage, scammers, catphishers, con-artists, so, I stay away from online social media sites. Best to meet someone local. I’m still not “seeing anyone” but mostly because my health has been bad. I think I am finally over him now. Last night he “popped” into my head, but mostly just good memories, but nothing felt for him, like wanting him back. So, it will and does get better. Just have no contact. Easier to get over someone. Not even a text.
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