Hello lostsoul92,

Lets consider the situation as i have understood so far –

1) You started casually dating a girl in your office 20 months ago.
2) Often her behavior indicated that she considered another guy a more suitable option as per understanding of some of his views on life.
3) You have insecurity and commitment issues. The second you have appeared to have overcome but the first is there.
4) Both of you have displayed a normal level of immaturity – your denial of making the relationship serious 2/3rd of the times, her attempts to tease all the time about others.
5) Despite all this, you proposed and she told you some things that surprised you like hell though you kind of knew them anyway.

My questions to you are:

1) If her intentions were indeed dishonorable, then why would she tell you all of this when you proposed to her?

2) Why are you being so adamant about being the only guy when all you insisted this relationship was casual and fun?

“She also asked if I’d wanted to make the relationship more serious at least 2/3 times and again, I said no. I constantly told her the relationship was nothing but fun and once ‘the right guy offering marriage came along’, I’d be okay with letting her go. I guess I never thought she’d have the right guy in her mind already..”

“Another thing is that I was her first.. Her first kiss, the first guy she’d ever let touch etc She said I’d been the first guy she’d ever let in and I always took this for granted and never showed any intention of staying.”

Bdw in standard criteria, you are the only guy. Your girlfriend has casually tried to know someone and you were fine with that. Now why is it bothering you anyway?

3) You wish she could have told you her thoughts earlier in last 20 months but then, has anything every happened with Imran worth telling? You never 100% confirmed that the relationship got serious anyway, then why should she bring this up before?

4) Fine your girlfriend could have come clean but has she actually betrayed you?

If she has said she will marry you, believe it and let the past be. Frankly nothing happened in the past anyway with another guy while you were around, albeit casually according to you? Do not let your pride ruin this.

Hello,

It seems to me that you care about this girl, and the feelings are returned… It’s not easy (looking from a girl’s perspective) being with someone for 20 months and kept listening that things should be ‘casual’, regardless of the religion… And also girls sometimes go for the ‘safe’ choice in any culture, someone who will be good husband and father to their children. Coming also from more traditional environment I can relate to this… You told her again and again that you can’t be that… I can only imagine the suffering she went through hearing these words again and again while she wanted to hear something else from the only guy she’s been with. Maybe she told you about the other guy out of despair and hope that you’ll realize that she has options.

Think really good if it’s fear of commitment your issue.. sometimes you can’t predict the date when you are ready to meet ‘the one’. It just happens. I think you should try your best to approach her, this time do it differently… There is a saying ‘boys fall in love through their eyes, girls fall in love through their ears’.So choose wisely your words and future actions. You have nothing to loose, and pride and ego are overrated…

I wouldn’t worry much about the other guy if I was you, though I understand that you might feel some kind of emotional betrail. From what I understood he was treated this whole time like plan B.. And one of my best friends used joke all the time ‘a girl has to always have plan B’…lol 🙂

I wish you the best of luck, and if things work out please don’t bring up this issue to her, all the time you both have an argument … You’ll end up in endless unhappy circle…Forgive, forget, move on and be happy 🙂 Sometimes it’s that simple

• This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Maria_L.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Maria_L.

Dear lostsoul92:

Your girlfriend may have manipulated you for 20 months, purposefully bringing up the other guy so to manipulate you to ask to marry her.

Can you imagine: purposefully asking about him, mentioning him so to plant this guy in your brain, build jealousy, confusion, so you… fight for her and win against this other… potential mate?

anita

Dear lostsoul92:

maybe I misunderstood: I thought she mentioned and teased you about the other guy so to encourage you to feel insecure and jealous and in so doing, to lead you into fighting for her, taking her away from the other man. And I thought she accomplished that aim and you indeed proposed to her. And so she accomplished her goal. If I was correct about it, this may set the stage for further manipulation, the end justifying the means. But then, you just wrote you’d do the same thing… now I am confused.

anita

Dear lostsoul92:

If you still need guidance (your request on this thread) regarding this relationship; if you want my input further, please let me know.
anita

Dear lostsoul92:

I re-read your posts on this thread. It seems clear to me that she either was interested in Imran while in relationship with you or she pretended very well that she was interested in him. She definitely behaved interested in him.

You wrote: “In the first few months, she’d constantly tease me about other guys but in particular to him. It would never bother me until she once said ‘he might get further than you, he’s the type of guy one would marry, he meets criteria’.”

Notice, it didn’t bother you that she teased you about other guys, but think what it means, that she teased you. Why did she? And then she told you that Imran might get further than you, meets criteria. I see this behavior as manipulative, intended to make you jealous and become possessive of her. She encouraged your insecurity as a way to make you pursue her.

Then you wrote: “Each time we’d argue and break up over this, I’d always go back saying how I’d made it all up in my head, I’m being silly etc.. And she’d take me back. But throughout this whole time of passing the blame, she knew it wasn’t all made up in my head…
She lied to me – I understand why and the fear of losing me. But how could she pass the blame to me each time when she knew the truth?”

This is very concerning. Sure she had a reason to lie to you, but how could she hurt you like that, the man she claims to love? how could she repeatedly suggest it’s all in your head, knowing she is lying?

That isn’t right and you know it, this is why you are so troubled, a “lost soul”- for crying out loud, this is not a woman for you to marry, and this state of mind is not the state congruent with getting married.

People have reasons to lie but that doesn’t make it right when the lying hurts the person you supposedly love. She placed her self interest in front of your well being. This is the woman you are going to marry?

This manipulative, unloving behavior is not going to stop once you are married. There will be other.. reasons for her to lie, and why not? It worked so far (if you marry her).

Your last statement and question above: “..this lump/anxious feelin I get. How do I move past it?” My answer: you don’t move past this feeling. This lump and anxiety have a message for you: don’t marry this woman. Listen to the message and the lump and anxious feeling will be gone for it delivered the message successfully.

At the least evaluate my post right here with someone you trust, print the whole thread or parts of it and take it to a counselor, a therapist, someone competent, so to help you proceed.

Post anytime:

anita