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I screwed up. Help me understand

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  • July 22, 2015 at 7:35 pm #80277
    brownsky
    Participant

    I would appreciate any insight that any of you could give me on this.

    A year ago my wife of 5 years divorced me I took it pretty hard but was able to get over it fairly quick I just realized there was so much difference and I had to be someone I wasn’t to make her happy. Thinking about it I was able to realize that it wouldn’t have been able to last.

    Later on I ran into a girl with whom I chatted with for about 2 weeks before meeting in person. After meeting, from day one it was if we were meant to be. Everything was perfect with us. We enjoyed the same things and I could finally be myself around someone. Our kids got along really well too and I loved her and her son. I had never felt so close to someone or so happily in love. But I had insecurities. I started feeling like I didn’t deserve her. I didn’t deserve her kindness. I didn’t deserve to be happy. I unknowingly grew distant. Eventually this led me to being so confused that I snapped 1 day and broke it off.

    That’s not what I wanted at all though. I spent about a month trying to fix things but eventually she said we should probably not try anymore and that she needed space and that I needed more time to heal from my divorce.

    For 2 months now there has been little to no talking. I miss her more than I have ever missed a person. I know this wasn’t just an attraction. I can’t let her go. I’ve tried going a couple of weeks not saying anything and then I’ll reach out. Sometimes she will respond and for a short time we talk like normal but then she stops responding out of nowhere. Other times she doesn’t respond at all. I always try to have something upbeat to talk to I her about. Over a month ago I had tried dropping off gifts but she asked me to not anymore understandably. I wrote a letter explaining my understanding and taking accountability of my actions and mistakes. I also wrote a letter explaining what the difference between her and my ex wife was so that she would know I was over my ex wife.

    I can’t seem to get her out of my mind as hard as I try and I’m really struggling. Am I crazy? What do I do?

    I tried to keep this all brief but there is more to it all. Thanks

    July 23, 2015 at 2:51 am #80293
    Annie
    Participant

    Hello brownsky,

    First, let me just say that you are not crazy. It seems that often times when we feel another person pushing us away, we want to hold on to them even tighter. You said “I chatted with for about 2 weeks before meeting in person” and then “from day one it was if we were meant to be. Everything was perfect with us.” It seems as if things progressed very quickly, however, when you broke it off she lost trust in you and your relationship.

    You said that you felt like you didn’t deserve her or her kindness. A lot of these feelings are signs of insecurity. It may be that when you tried getting back with her, you came on too strong and tried to go back to the “old relationship”. Do you think that happened?

    At this point, it seems as if you have made your feelings clear in a letter and have attempted to make contact with her to mend things. Just because she responded, does not mean she is interested in continuing any type of relationship with you. It may just be that she is being polite. If you really want my advice then do not buy her anymore gifts or shower her with your affection. It may come off to her as if you are trying to buy her affection even if that isn’t your intention. When she said she did “not want to try anymore” you should take her words for what they are. You may think that you can convince her to love you, but is that what you really want? Won’t it seem like she’s only with you because you convinced her rather than her affection for you? She also mentioned that she wanted space. You should respect her wishes. You have already expressed yourself multiple times, now, let her come to you. It may be difficult, but try to move on. First, cut all contact from her through messaging, social media, and even in person. Remember, this too shall pass, just be kind with yourself. Grieve the relationship and do things to keep yourself busy. Work on self-love and self-validation.

    July 23, 2015 at 7:04 am #80301
    brownsky
    Participant

    Ya that’s the hard part, moving on. I’ve struggled cuz we both continuously expressed how much we loved each other and then things ended so fast.

    July 23, 2015 at 8:48 am #80303
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Brownsky:

    It seems to me that your ex wife did not accept you for who you are, was negatively critical of you. This other woman accepted you for who you are. With the second woman your own negatively critical voices became very loud, magnified in the silence of her acceptance of you.

    With your ex wife, you were in familiar territory, that is with the parent/s who did negatively criticize you when you were a child. WIth the second woman, those voices you developed growing up with your family, became louder and louder. It was those voices you couldn’t stand. So you broke up with her to silence those voices.

    These voices are the voices, or the thoughts of the Inner Critic part of your psyche. They are the real porblem. What do you think???
    anita

    July 23, 2015 at 9:16 am #80307
    brownsky
    Participant

    i follow a lot of what you said anita. but i also dont follow some. i feel like i have taken steps in understanding how i acted and how i treated the new girlfriend. i feel that i am trying to better myself. ive just found myself lost as to why she then gave up as fast as she did. i thought she loved me and it hurt to see her go so fast. i still love her because i hadnt felt love like that ever. now my daily struggle is trying to move on but my body doesnt seem to let me. everything around me reminds me of her. i guess i just really want to know if she feels anything for me anymore. i would wait for her ie work on myself in order to better us. i just dont know if she sees any possibility of us in the future. youre right that rejection issues are what ruined it. she was so good to me. her son was good to me. her family was good to me. it was all so perfect and what i had always invisioned of love and finding that special someone. it kills me now knowing what i always dreamed of, i myself ruined.

    July 23, 2015 at 9:31 am #80309
    brownsky
    Participant

    i forgot to mention that she has been through a lot too. she was adopted and struggled with that growing up. she also had a very emotionally abusive and bad ex husband. he stole from her and spent all their money on drugs and things like that. im sure thats playing part into why she left me quickly.

    July 23, 2015 at 11:26 am #80317
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear brownsky:

    My questions to you is: how are you trying to better yourself (You wrote above: “i feel that i am trying to better myself”) and if you did get back together with her and everything was as perfect as before, how will you see to it that this time you do not get confused (like last time) and you don’t break it off (again)? If i was her I would want the answers to these two questions.

    anita

    July 23, 2015 at 12:07 pm #80320
    brownsky
    Participant

    first off, i need to be more open with my feelings. at the beginning i was very open with her and it slowly closed off. i dont want to leave her in the dark like that again leaving her wondering whats going on. i held onto things and didnt voice them til it was too late. i stepping back, i feel like me and her did deserve eachother, even though i didnt feel it at that time. i want to show her that i want to be with her and spend time with her and show her how important she is. i realized something big in this relationship. i had been used to being rejected so often that part of me felt like at some point she was going to reject me. that feeling led me to sabotage things. something that i hadnt done before and didnt even notice. now i feel like i understand what took place more and understand where it came from and why. understanding it, i feel that i would be able to handle it better. problem is, i dont know how to even get a chance to show that it could be different to her. i went through 5 years of a bad marriage hoping to one day be with someone that had all the qualities that this girl had only to screw it up when i finally found that person. thats what hurts most.

    July 23, 2015 at 12:52 pm #80321
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear brownsky:

    What I find most promising in your answer is that (imagining I was her:) is that you will not leave me in the dark, that you will keep sharing with me how you feel, that if you feel distress, fearful (of rejection or what not),that you will talk to me about it. Than I don’t have to ask, that you will initiate a talk with me, that you will tell me: ‘I need to talk to you,’ and then you will. I don’t want to be (unpleasantly) surprised again. I don’t want you to hurt me like that, out of the blue! (I am still imagining I am her and) am getting angry for having been rejected like that, with no warning… feeling I didn’t deserve that! I lost trust in you and if you could do that to me, what about my son? (Still imagining) What if you hurt him like you hurt me?

    This is all me imaginig, taking her role in my mind. Of course I do not know her or much about you and I wasn’t there throughout your relationship. Yet, I hope this is somewhat – maybe- helpful in your next communication to her, if you intend to do such.
    anita

    July 23, 2015 at 1:53 pm #80331
    brownsky
    Participant

    i have reached out to her multiple times through text to just try and have friendly talk. i always try to have something fun to talk about so that she doesnt think im just saying the normal i miss you and such. sometimes she is talkative for a little bit. and sometimes she doesnt respond. i dont really know how to get to a point where i can actually make progress. we are still friends on facebook and instagram and i know she has seen posts of mine. the other day i foundout that my grandma has cancer and made a post about it. she later text me out of the blue showing some support about it. she mentioned that her grandma has died from cancer and we talked a short little bit and then out of the blue she stopped responding. i dont really know what more i can do to show her that ive been working on myself and being a better person. im guessing i just have to give her space for more than a couple weeks. another thing is that while we were together i had gotten her some things for her future birthday and now her birthday is next month. do i still try and give those things to her? sorry for all these questions. just seems like you give good feedback to all these feelings and thoughts ive been having. thanks

    July 23, 2015 at 10:11 pm #80349
    Annie
    Participant

    Hello Chris,

    I do not think you should give her those gifts. Again, it will seem as if you are trying to win her affection and will push her away even further. It seems as if she is just stringing you a long at this point. She will respond sometimes and end the conversation or not respond at all. Someone who is interested in pursuing a relationship will be very open and honest, but maybe she isn’t very open? Be a better person for YOURSELF and if she comes a long then good and if not then you’ll still be okay. You talk about making “progress” and by that If I’m correct you mean more meaningful and emotional conversations? It has been two months and it seems as if you are the only one making effort. Remember, it takes two to make a good conversation. You can try as much as you want, but if she cannot or does not want to open up then you will not make any “progress”. Just give it more time and space and slowly remove things from your life that remind you of her. I think the best sign that one should move on is when words lose their meaning. Right now, you are sending her a lot of words and they do not seem to be effecting her. You are settling for having some space in her life rather than no space, so you continue to pursue her when she has made it clear that she doesn’t want to try. You are afraid that if you leave her alone she will forget you. I’m very sorry to have to be so blunt, but the longer you resist and keep trying the more it will hurt you. I went through the exact same situation.Life will go on and you will find love again.

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