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I shake internally every time I see him, why?

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  • November 9, 2017 at 10:53 am #177243
    Ganesha11
    Participant

    It has been over 1.5 years since my ex boyfriend and I broke up, yet, every time I run into him I feel like my whole body is trembling. My heartbeat almost instantly pick up rhythm like I am in the middle of a jog, all the while I am completely still. We did not have the best breakup or closure. Nobody cheated, we did not wrong one another, we were just not meant to be.

    One year post breakup we had an altercation while out in a bar, he said some very hurtful words to me that haunted me and hurt me deeply, more than I wanted to admit to myself or others. After that incident, we both invested so much energy in avoiding each other when we would run into each other in public. It was not until about a month ago that we had another altercation while out. He got very upset I said hi to a mutual contact. A good acquaintance of mine (which I met post breakup,) a now friend of his. Long story short, that mutual contact got through to him and convinced him to speak to me since everyone felt the animosity between us. That night we spoke for a good hour and a half, we spoke about how we felt and the resentment and all the negativity. He apologized for the hurtful words he had told me months ago. I felt like this was all I needed to find closure and peace from this and move on.

    We ran into each other a week after speaking and waved to each other from a far, smiled and went on our way. I was happy I did not have that resentment towards him for the way things ended and for the hurt he caused me with his words. I was happy we did not have to invest energy in avoiding one another as if we did not exist. I thought I was finally at peace and able to move on.

    I have since ran into him a couple of times and the feeling is still there. I just feel like I shake internally, it takes me about an hour to get over it but after that I find myself once again analyzing everything. From the relationship to post-breakup and all the why’s and the things I know I will never have the answers to. I do not love him anymore nor do I see him with the love goggles that I once did. I know deep down he was not the one for me. So why does this happen to me? What is it that I am missing here to be able to fully move on from this feeling I get and fully let go?

    I am now in a brand new relationship and I do not want my past trauma with my last relationship to hurt the potential.

    Help a sister out, I greatly appreciate any feedback!

    November 10, 2017 at 4:40 am #177443
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear MariTapatia:

    You asked: “What is it that I am missing here to be able to fully move on from this feeling I get and fully let go?”

    Here is a possibility of what you are missing here: at the end of your first paragraph you wrote about the ended relationship: “we did not wrong one another, we were just not meant to be.”

    Then you wrote that one year after the breakup you had an altercation where “he said some very hurtful words to me” and later you mentioned “the animosity between us”-

    what you may be missing is that the relationship didn’t end because it was “just not meant to be”, but because you did “wrong one another”.

    Your thoughts?

    anita

     

     

    November 10, 2017 at 10:41 am #177583
    Ganesha11
    Participant

    Anita,

    When we ended our relationship in April of 2016 we still kept a close contact, too close of a contact. It was not until October of that same year that we finally cut all ties and so the animosity began. During the actual relationship period I would not say we  wronged one another, it was a great relationship which did not flourish because of his insecurities.  We did however wrong each other after cutting off contact in October.

    That October he cut all ties with me because I messaged him via messenger on my birthday (December.) A simple text that read; “Hope all is well, I miss you and will always love you.” The profile photo was of me in Vegas from late October. He accused me of sending the message with the intention of him seeing that photo and triggering him. The words I said were nto not the trigger, it was seeing me “move on” and do things without him. Note that these were his exact words once again this past time, I “triggered him” by saying hello to the mutual contact.

    After that incident he blocked me from everywhere and this is one thing I knew from him to have a tenancy to do with women in his life. I felt like everything I had ever done for him meant nothing. I felt like the love we expressed and shared in the end was literally thrown into the trash as a never existing memory. It hurt me, deeply, to see how I was just another woman on his blocked list. This was where the tension between us started and grew to what it is. I got my apology, what I though I needed to finally have good closure and peace with this whole ordeal, truth is, I don’t.

    He moved on to another  relationship and seems to be doing good for himself, which I am happy for him. I do realize that this is in part to me having been the one who truly fell deeply, madly in love with him, so much to the point I swore he was THE ONE. I accept that this was not his case and I am okay with that, that is the risk we take when we love so deeply and carelessly without measuring a possible negative outcome.

    I just want to permanently find the closure to this whole ordeal and move on in peace. I am one who tends to always forgive but never forget. Is that my problem ?- Not letting go of the pain he caused?

    November 10, 2017 at 11:40 am #177599
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear MariTapatia:

    I will read and reply to your recent post when I am back to the computer, in about 16 hours. Take good care of yourself.

    anita

    November 11, 2017 at 4:11 am #177641
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear MariTapatia:

    There is too much about your share that I do not understand, lots of things that are untold: the relationship ended April 2016, but not really, it ended October 2016. No animosity before October, how can it be, I wonder- the relationship … almost ended April with no conflict, no anger, no animosity?

    You wrote it (almost) ended April because of “his insecurities”- I don’t know what it means. And what about your insecurities, weren’t there any?

    You messaged him on your birthday in December (2016) and he cut all contact with you in… October 2017?

    This is what I do understand: you “just want to permanently find the closure to this whole ordeal and move on in peace” and not “shake internally every time (you) see him”. Your last words are that the problem may be that you “tend to forgive but never forget… of the pain he caused”.

    When you see him your heartbeat escalates as if you are in a middle of a jog, you wrote. That is a physiological reaction to fear, maybe there is anger, the body preparing itself to either run away or fight (Fight or Fight). It is that pain you mentioned, that your body fears experiencing again, that is the danger.

    Maybe if you understood the nature of that pain, explored it, maybe it will help. If you would like to explore it, will you share as clearly as you can what caused the relationship to almost end April, what was the nature of the relationship from April to October, who pursued whom… how did you express to him your anger at him before April and after?

    anita

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